Chorleiter

Another lonely season

2011-12-24T15:05:00.000-08:00

One would think that after several years that having a blue Christmas would only get easier, that yes, "It gets better." I seem to find myself in the same position year after year grasping to some naive hope that sooner or later things have to change for the good. But each year that goes by only confirms that no, I don't get any special favors from the deity at large or any return on all the positive karma I put out in to the universe. As I often seem to find myself writing, fortune favors all but me. I no longer look for anything under the Christmas tree (which I don't have) except for a small hope to find a guy who loves me for who I am and I love him for who he is. I wonder how many more years will go by with that empty space under my lonely tree.

One house, house forsale, its going cheap...

2011-07-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

Yes the house of shame is finally up for short sale. Going at a steal. Piles and piles of boxes at my new place and no time to unpack with all of the out of town work. Summer will be over before I get a chance to acknowledge it and I doubt I'll be able to get any Fall planning done. What to do.

I just hope this ends up being a good move. So many firsts with this one, and I'll admit it, I'm a little terrified. I try to buoy myself with the idea that living in the city will present new opportunities. Especially with my currently non-existent love life. While there is always room for improvement in the career, being single is the only thing I continue to be extremely unsatisfied and unfulfilled with. With all these changes may that also change.

Life moves on

2011-06-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

I'm moving up to the big city. Hello Seattle and a much nicer commute by foot! Come visit.

A late mother's day surprise

2011-05-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

A special and rare musical tribute

When its your time

2011-04-11T00:24:00.000-07:00

We never know how long we will have on the planet before our gig is up. With frightening regularity I find myself having to explain my anxiety about partnering up and settling down. Desiring a partner "at my age" is apparently the anti-sterotype in the gay world. I've alluded on some small level as to why that is here but I'm not sure that I've really come out and explained it. Aside from my still reoccurring dreams that plague me on a regular basis I was talking about this to a guy on A4A today. We were lamenting our inability to find guys interested in more than just coffee on a first meeting. I mentioned that I doubt love will ever be in the cards for me and like most nice guys he said "oh but of course you'll find someone, your attractive, intellectual and can hold a conversation unlike 85% of the gay populous.. more importantly you want to share your life with someone." But he was curious where my angst came from and I shared with him the rest.

Not many have the ability to look in to a crystal ball and see what may be. This isn't something I've ever publicly shared but I am one of the unfortunate few that can. It is one of the weightier spiritual gifts I've carried with me and until now kept rather quiet about it only a couple people know and they have told me I am according to biblical parlance a "prophet" just as others have gifts of speaking or interpreting in tongues. Now I don't use an actual crystal ball but I do see things as snapshots, markers in time based upon certain outcomes. I often see things as a big picture first followed by the smaller events that must first occur in order to get to the big picture. Certainly it is something that could be abused if used unwisely but more often than not it scares the shit out of me.

Its rare when I have the ability to see anything for myself personally. It may be a good thing actually. But the one event I keep trying to avoid is my own inevitable mortality. Now I don't really fear death. I have faced and foreseen the death of a loved one. I have even looked death squarely in the eyes while battling suicidal desires. Its the one thing I want to be able to change or alter in some fashion. Its also the one thing I can't get a clear vision on. Its always surrounded by a sort of digital snow where only a few frames of a scene pop in and out. But what little I can gather gives me great anxiety about my future. In some respects its like what happens in the Spielberg series Taken about the aliens and their interaction with humans. You see all your memories and all your fears in addition to all your future faults in such a way that you realize your whole life is really nothing but a mine field and there is no safe route. Just as Harvey Milk had the innate sense he wouldn't make it to 50, I have strong reservations that I will make it to 45. With what little I have to go on I also get the sense it will be incredibly lonely. Time and time again I get the impression I will never get to know genuine, intimate, reciprocal love in its truest form with a partner before I depart this earthly sphere. I don't believe I will find anyone willing to be in a relationship. As I have done in other situations I knew the outcome could be changed, I keep hoping that what I see for myself can be changed. But so far nothing has. It would seem I have no power to alter my own destiny in this regard. It frustrates, angers, and depresses me that everything for me will in fact be in vain if things stay on course.

My anxiety in trying to find any chance at love is in hope that maybe what I see as my future can in fact be changed if not by myself perhaps by someone not originally in the initial equation. It gives me a great deal of motivation. Who truly wants to lead a lonely life however long it may be? Not I!

Monday Sigh

2011-03-21T09:08:00.001-07:00

*Sigh*

Forward looking, or forever cursed

2011-03-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

So what do you do when you don't know what to do anymore? I have found myself doing lots of thinking about my personal life lately and seeing where others find themselves going, most with great success, while I'm stuck on the sidelines. I've tried more dating sites than I care to admit. I've had a casual fling here and there. Even met guys through mutual friends or through various activies and organizations and chance meetings. The problem isn't me not liking them, but them not really being interested in me. Am I really that hideous and such a loser that everyone is just way too polite to say so? Maybe I have consistently bad luck in picking unavailable men that I'm not "supposed" to be attracted to. So far the majority of my hopefuls have fit in to the category of nice masculine guys that think they want big, burly, yet submissive (aka bottom) and hairy/bear type guys. Hair is one thing I do have, and a number of other admirable physical qualities, but I will never be any of the rest that seems to be what the guys I find myself attracted to want. Oh what to do...

I've also noticed through the course of my being out that it seems these days one can't even go on a legit date anymore. Now you have to do all of this preliminary "hanging out" before you can go on an official date preceded by lots of online chating, IMing, texting... and only after one has decided they might be attracted to you will you get to make an "official date," provided preceding hanging out has already taken place. It seems a lot of guys these days are just this way. And when you do meet up, you start finding out that who they are really attracted to is a far cry from who you are. Then you learn their prequalifications for "the right guy" and when you think that this person they are describing fits you to the letter you start to realize that truly nice guys never win. Fellas, and you can't figure out why y'all are still single? Hello...who can compete with standards and situations like that? It's almost insulting to any human being to live up to a fictitious person, and run every possible piece of dating material through an unending gauntlet of intention-less activities.

Some might accuse me of just wanting to rush in to it , but let's face it, if you really are interested in me and not just being buddies/friends you will be interested in some degree of physical contact or affirmation of mutual interest. I'm not asking for all out make out sessions with in the first several encounters, but a gentle touch on the back, or a hand on the knee or arm, or a brief holding of a hand for a moment signifies interest. If you don't reciprocate with a small amount of "touchy feely-ness" or even eye contact how is one to ever know if you are interested? For god's sake if you really are looking for a relationship don't be so shy as to never take a risk even with a casual touch.

I really don't know why I subject myself to the constant defeat of all this anymore. Every month and year that goes by it just becomes more painfully clear to me that no-one gives a shit about me as someone worthy of having a relationship with. Too many like to offer their back handed support of "just hang in there" or "You're a cute nice guy who'll meet someone soon" and other such BS as if it is supposed to make me feel better. I'm tired of getting kicked in the mud. And I often wonder if I would have been better off meeting with that on coming train I was spared from 2 years ago. Maybe God does make mistakes.

GleeK

2011-03-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, I admit it... I like the show. The Glee world is a buzz over finally getting what they wanted, Kurt and Blaine to kiss. Isn't it what we all want for those of us true to our identities... to get our true love. While musically the soul is worked out of the show with the extensive over production even though I think several of the cast have the chops to pull off a song with out the auto tune. Darren Criss (Blaine) who I was aware of long before glee via youtube and the "A Very Potter Musical" and other Starkid shows certainly doesn't need technology to sound good. Really its kind of remarkable since I saw those youtube shows around the time I came out. To see Criss in a rather gay show, while he isn't himself, is kind of a unique full circle moment for me.

In any case the show does have something to say and it's all on the surface. No reading between lines... Really we're all losers trying to find our way and a place where we fit in and maybe finding love along the way. Why not do it with a song or two. It will be interesting to see where it goes, probably nothing unpredictable. But my heart does go pitter pat when I get to see cute gay love. And I ask, when is my turn?

Another Lonely B-day

2011-02-26T18:39:00.000-08:00

Lonely Birthday

In sitting alone

With a tear strolling down my face

And i think to myself

Why me?

There's no one to talk to

And no one to cry to

Why one of the days i should be happiest

My birthday

I sit in despair

Waiting for someone to rescue me

From all this pain i hide beneath

But no more can i pretend

That life isn't hurting me

No one to trust

And I'm never good enough

A tad bit of my creative side

2011-02-23T22:24:00.000-08:00

I'm always a little reluctant to share my creative side but I found this little gem waiting further attention. Here we have a poem I wrote a little over 2 months after coming out to my ex... 21 days later was my 2nd major suicide attempt. They were very dark days indeed. At the time I immediately began setting the text to music SATB + Piano. It got dark enough where I had to walk away from finishing the piece. But I'm considering picking it up again after all this time.

The Tree
SMH 5/8/09

The frozen earth in stillness lies,
Dark and wint'ry in the night
A fruitless tree stands amidst the snow
While pale moon beams send their light.

There was a time in Springs gone by
The tree did abundantly share.
Now frost and cold reign for a season
Once laden branches are now desolate and bare.

A master gardener once pruned the tree,
And it became more choice above all others.
Where some had withered, died, or wild they became,
Not this tree, its fruit was the most desired of its brothers.

Yet time labored on
And no gardener came.
To tend to this noble tree
That it might still produce the same.

Summer’s light to Autumn’s falling leaves,
And not once to the tree did one tend.
Its toils and its troubles
Requiring the touch of a master to mend.

A season of neglect and decay
Quickly make a tree grow wild
Much work it will take from a master’s hand
To once again bring forth fruit undefiled.

Winter’s grasp will thaw into spring
Ending existence in bitter cold and strife.
The warmth returns as does the gardener
Bringing with it a chance for new life.

I've finally done it

2011-02-07T20:42:00.001-08:00

Now before anyone gets their hopes up in regards to my personal life... Sorry I have to continue to disappoint you there. I'm still waiting for the next dating experience to rekindle my hopes that its even worth getting out of bed in the morning.

Now what have I done you may ask? Well I finally had the gall to send in my resignation to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I didn't take the usual route instead finding an e-mail of an individual working in the membership records department and created a short little form letter following the model of others who had done the same thing.

I did that on Jan.1 2011 and chronicled it here at The Mormon Watchdog as part of a new venture I will be undertaking from time to time. The opportunity of conveying thoughts in spoken rather than typed form seems even more cathartic.

It seemed a worth while new year's resolution to finally go through with it all. The corporate institution that has become synonymous with Mormonism is becoming an ever increasingly hostile place and since I will never be going back to it officially getting out of it only seemed to make sense.

Many people who leave the church out of either extreme duress or just personal choice often report a sense of relief and peace. When I had no such release it naturally warranted further investigation. Perhaps because I was using it as a bit of a media device, or, GASP, did I still have favorable feelings for the church? And then it occurred to me that I had genuinely left the church long ago and hence the lack of noticeable fulfillment.

It has been over a month and no response or acknowledgment from any church official. My small experiment of trying to avoid the church's intentionally difficult hoops has not yet succeeded. Should nothing result in the near future I may end up taking the more conventional route and being far more aggressive in demanding an appropriate response.

While I will save some of my fodder of "anti-mormon" propaganda for another day or my show I continue to be affirmed that Mormonism is neither the church of God nor Jesus Christ. It is and continues to be the very thing its founder created - one of ambitious falsehoods intentionally perpetuated to deceive those not willing to fight for that which really is truth.

What makes Mormonism so successful is not that it bears a message of any sort of truth but those who are sympathetic to its message are apathetic to God's genuine truth as revealed in Christ Jesus. Mormonism is neither just nor supports justice. It is not passionate neither does it exude compassion. It embraces love as little as it loves those in its embrace. It is a trap in life's fog of the unsuspecting, the non vigilant, the apathetic, those who seek an easy formulaic way out of mortality so as to be endowed with the same powers God is purported to have.

My dear friends this is not the good news of Jesus Christ. He came not to add to the law and make you waste your lives doing unending "ordinances for the living and the dead." He came to fulfill the law. It is grace through faith that saves us and not "obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel (aka just saying yes to corporate Mormonism)."

While indeed being a former LDS person has poisoned my hope that God even exists it seems to reason the least that I can do for my gay breathren is say... Get out of "the church." It needs you less than it wants you. Don't squander your light under the bushel basket of Joseph Smith's fervent imagination. Place your light on the light stand that it may give light to the house. Some may indeed be called to course correct the errancy of Mormonism by letting their light shine with in it that the LDS people may become part of the true body of Christ. Only you will know if that is indeed what God has placed before you as your path. For you my fellow homos my prayers of God's richest peace, abundance, and ample portions of his divine revealing spirit. They will be tough times for you. My call was elsewhere in the masters vineyard preparing a way for those seeking a better way.

For those who do not have this charter upon their heart and spirit... get out! Leave it be. Let those who are called work the fields and burn the chaff of inequity. The rest of the world needs your gifts and talents and most certainly your love. Don't squander it by burying it in the infertile soil of the LDS institution. Let the living waters of the true Christ given on the cross grow your gifts. We need you where you can fulfill your measure of who you were created to be.

Have courage in that which is just and right and not that which is deceptive and false. Yes the elect have indeed been deceived... have the strength to realize you may have been one of them. I certainly was. Yet there is a wideness in God's mercy that even Thomas S. Monson will never be able to comprehend. There is a love that even Dallin H. Oaks or Boyd K. Packer will never come to fathom.

Bring your pioneer spirit to where it really needs to be and find true joy!

What once was is no longer

2011-01-15T11:03:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of the new year I had the thought of making my first post for 2011 a confessional of sorts. Just air all of my dirty laundry, wash it, and get it folded back up ready to be dirtied up again this year. Then it occurred to me that, despite the fact really this is personal therapy I happen to let people read... really everyone else in the world has enough of their own problems and is probably only interested in my droning only as a basis of comparison to their lives and what is or isn't going the way they'd like. I guess what I'm saying is that the likelihood of anyone caring is minimal... Of course it was never a prerequisite for this blog for anyone to even subscribe for me to keep it going. Its kind of shocking anyone bothered.

But truth be told, the only reason I do anything in the public sphere anymore is for somewhat selfish means. I'll admit it. The only thing that keeps me out from under my inconspicuous rock of self pity is the fact I want a relationship. That's all any of it is about really. None of my 12 online profiles scattered about the gay world have got me squat in the 2 years I've been on this roller coaster. Sure if all I wanted out of life was meaningless sex I could have plenty of that until I'm too old to have it. And truth be told I've tried to just "get it out of my system" and yeah I've had a few random hook ups... since many purport everyone has a phase where they just want sex all the time. Well I guess that everyone excluded me too.

There is nothing more shallow and hallow than meaningless sex, even if your attracted to the person. Every time I found myself thinking "if only I was more this person's type we might have a great relationship." But this way of life is no more fitting for me than hanging out at the gay bars and clubs. The music is nice but who cares when no one wants to dance with you.

I took my ex out to dinner the other day. I owed her for helping me out over the holiday with some performances. We also needed to chat about some things she suggested. She was exploring the idea of having her boyfriend move in because he needed a place etc. but didn't have much money. Of course that one isn't going to go far until I can have a live in boyfriend myself. But I found myself saying somewhat to her surprise that if I had know then how difficult it was going to be trying to find some joy in my authentic gay self I may never have done so.

Now I don't mean to be a gloomy gus, but none of this has been easy for me. I don't fit in to a single stereotype in which to make it easier for many other homos. I'm also not the toned, 120lb, 22 year old hunk I once was. Some of you young or gym obsessed guys have it much easier. All you have to do is lift your shirt or flex and you have dudes burning up your phone with texts asking you out.

Its been over a year since I was last asked out or found someone willing to go out with me. And it has been an entire years worth of rejection after rejection. There was a time where I would say I can tough out anything... but not anymore. It's taken its toll on me and I'm at the end of wanting to go through anymore. I can't take any more emotionally and expect my health to remain stable.

Despite it being the 2 year anniversary of my coming out, I'm one of the unfortunate few who have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel that others exclaim can be found. I've managed to come full circle rather quickly in 2 years from despair to hope to utter hopelessness. Maybe it gets better for everyone else, but I'm done expecting it to for me.

A Fascinating one here

2011-01-01T08:44:00.000-08:00

For what ever reason I'm drawn like a moth to flames with things like this. I guess this is a work in progress since the actual show isn't there yet. With such an epic movie trailer like beginning I'll be watching for what might actually be coming. Somewhat provocative I think

Peace, Love, and Goodwill to all

2010-12-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

Too all of my loved ones and friends, may you have a very Merry Christmas and a fabulous holiday season. To all of my fellow homos be you single, married, a mohomie, whatever.... the warmest of holiday hugs (and/or kisses) from me to you (as long as any significant others don't object).

Holiday Love?

2010-12-22T14:01:00.000-08:00

Yes so it has been a while since the last one of these. It is certainly a busy time of year in the organ business and certainly as a musician. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised I didn't get a flood of concerning notes from people wondering why I haven't posted in a while. It seems I am beginning to resign myself to the fact that despite the personal pep talks and the slightly naive optimism that "It gets better" that really nothing is getting better... at least in my personal life.

I could wax poetic gratitude for a stable job and one less thing to worry about, but really when you're on your own no one cares except you. Now some could say "my aren't we being negative," but I just call it how I see it. While I think the whole campaign by the Trevor Project was well meaning to give a little hope and give some sort of public address to what appears to be an ever increasing problem we must also realize that we are only seeing one side of the equation.

How beautiful it is to see all these well adjusted people share their stories of how life was difficult for them in high school and so on... and then all the sudden they met the love of their life and wow now life is great. Well that's all well and good but it does seem a little condescending to have such an approach. I mean they surely aren't going to put people on camera where life isn't the rosy picture of hope being painted. That would be counter productive to the marketing campaign. But what really are the percentages of gay people still struggling to find the double rainbow bliss being thrown at us by media? I would venture to say based upon my observations that the amount of people where things have "gotten better" is only about %33 and the rest are still waiting. And I am definitely one of them.

The holiday season is always one of great angst for me. I always seem to be struck with bad luck around this time of the year and a number of emotionally laden events have happened around the holidays. Quickly approaching is the date I came out to myself 2 years ago, already past is the date I began to question my sexual orientation 5 years ago. Only a couple days from now was my first attempt and painfully unsuccessful venture at finding lasting love, with a couple months from the date that relationship ended and also marking the date when I came out to my ex and all that ended.

In my all too rare mental quiet time I find myself despairing. I'm always asking the question "When? When will all of this be worth the hell its been?" When will it get better for me? It never occurred to me that, in all honesty, coming out was the easy part of the whole thing and it certainly got worse before reaching a point of non-suicidal survival. But now, I'm forever impatiently waiting.

I have more online profiles for various dating and gay sites. More that I wish to admit. The vast majority of those produce zero interest in finding any sort of interaction, including one devoted to the Moho community. The truth is I could be far more successful as a prostitute than finding any sort of genuine relationship. As I have mentioned in a previous post all of my friends have found love, many with out even trying, some with out deserving it or suffering any heartache of bumbling through a relationship only to find out that the other person really wasn't interested at the time. Seriously, I feel cursed or diseased. It seems I am the only person not worthy of anyone's fancy.

I've given up trying to pray for it. I'm tired of trying to fight the almighty to find some sort of favor to get me the one thing scripture tells us we need to have and should show to all our fellow men. But I want more than friendly brotherhood love. For years my heart has ached for romantic, intimate love with one person ready to share in that. In all the tearful pleading by the bedside and walking out in the middle of a sermon at church talking about how much God loves us, I've managed to do a pretty good job of convincing myself God doesn't really exist. And it breaks what little of my spiritual heart I had left after fighting to get out of Mormonism.

My come and go friends, whom I do cherish, have suggested just forget about it. Just get used to being single and if you were meant be with someone it will happen when you least expect it. But how do just stand around and wait for something to happen?

Winter sucks

2010-11-23T11:12:00.000-08:00

Well I'm glad to report that I made it home safe and sound with my car still intact after an 11 hour commute on the ice rink known as I-5. Like the boy scout motto says, "be prepared." Now if only I had someone in which to cuddle on this here snow day.

Coincidence? Perhapst Not

2010-11-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

Has anyone bothered to notice the freightening similarities between the "Mormon Helping Hands" vests with all requisite church logos and websites and the Yes on 8 posters? The obvious fact that the design is nearly identical should get your attention. Is it also a coincidence that they both came out at nearly the same time?

Televangelist Oral Roberts' gay grandson says "it gets better"

2010-10-28T15:56:00.000-07:00

Televangelist Oral Roberts' gay grandson says "it gets better"

A beautiful video.

The struggle of faith.

2010-10-17T16:49:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't seen this yet. Send Matt some love. Personally I think he's making the wrong choice for the wrong reason, but who am I to judge. But I believe it is obvious the church isn't doing a very good job at giving ALL of its members the happiness it promises if you are "obedient to the church."

Matt Sutton recommits to Mormonism

I truthfully hope this isn't the beginning of another unnecessary tragedy.

The Mormon Response to HRC

2010-10-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

"We don't condone physical violence officially, but we sure as hell don't want you getting married. Until someone re-writes The Plan of Salvation, you can still be lonely fence sitters in the Mormon idea of eternity." I'm done dealing with the Mormon plan of "how things are to be." How about you?

Freedom to love: A new campaign

2010-10-09T22:38:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to go public with a concept. I'm dangling the carrot as it were to see if anything nibbles at it prompting me to go forward in what I'm sure will be both a positive and slightly controversial social movement.

It all started with the events over the last couple weeks. First one suicide than another, than bullying resulting in suicide... Ellen's comments, the The Trevor Project's new campaign. The tipping point was the words of the president of the Quorum of the LDS 12 apostles, Boyd K. Packer at the most recent LDS General Conference. Those still connected to the Mormon dome are well aware of what a mess this has caused. I heard yesterday there was another gay teen suicide in Utah... the protest around temple square. I mean things have just gone sideways. A storm is indeed gathering and its not just the one outside my window right now.

While waiting the hour to go off to work something popped in to my head. I've always felt that the gay community and the equal rights movement within the LGBT community was a little scattered. Perhaps we're all too busy or just a little to A.D.D,... oh look at the kitty.... Maybe its just me but it almost seems that since the loss of Harvey Milk things have been without a focus. We know what we want and what we're after, but the ship seems adrift. We need something to unify us in this cause of equality. Usually that is a person, a leader, but I don't see one. Or maybe there are so many spread across the country and the globe. There isn't a single thing anymore that brings us together... maybe having something, a focus will get us over the hump of frustration, of continued denigration, alienation, and so many other things.

And then it hit me... why couldn't that thing be a song? Within a matter of minutes, since that was all the time I had, the words and the music came together. The rest of the idea took place over the next several hours. If this is a song that will express everyone then they need to lend their voice to what is expressed. With the number of musicaly inclined gays there are in the world, or just Mormondom if we want to be narrow focused, this should be quite a simple thing.

So the initial idea blossomed further... I have provided the chorus, lets open up the writing of the verses to the homo world at large. A sort of contest. All they get is the chord structures and associated rhythm - aka the accompaniment, (and the preproduced chorus) they get to provide the rest. It seems like a good idea to give voice to what we are all feeling these days. I have no personal desires to gain a thing from this other than getting true equality here a little faster.

There are far too many lives being lost to wait another day or waste more time debating what God thinks of gay people and whether or not good Christians or Mormons should allow them to be who they are or get married if they so choose. An acquaintance told me, "wow, maybe you're the next Harvey Milk." To which I quickly said, no I don't have half the leadership qualities of Harvey. I have neither the face or poetic words to rally the troops... but I do have a song, and a vision. I pray it is a good as it seems.

Responses from members defending Boyd K. Packers talk (part 2

2010-10-08T21:00:00.001-07:00

From the previous member's brother

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sean, God loves you, Boyd K. Packer loves you, I love you. I do not believe that you chose to have same gender attractions. I do not think that you are a bad person because you have same gender attractions. I don't believe that God thinks t...hat you are a bad person because you were faced with same gender attractions.
It is my personal opinion that each individual in this life has things that they are faced with that may be really difficult. For one man it may be an overwhelming desire to look at pornography, or to spend their time reading romance books, or whatever.

The point is, I have a right, you have a right, Body K. Packer has a right, and God has a right to share what each of us individually feels is best to do with our time while here upon the earth. We all also have a right to vote in accordance to our own beliefs for what is best for this nation.
I and Boyd K. Packer strongly feel that it is not in anyone's best eternal interest to entertain or sexually act upon same gender attractions. I and Boyd K. Packer also strongly feel that it is not in anyone's best eternal interest to entertain or sexually act upon pornography attractions.

I and Boyd K. Packer also strongly feel that it is not in anyone's best eternal interest to have sexual activity or thoughts with anyone or anything outside of the bonds of marriage between a man a woman. This means that I and Boyd K. Packer feel that some people who are never married for whatever reason (perhaps they couldn't find someone who wanted to marry them), should NEVER engage in any sexual behavior then-- this happens A LOT in the church.

I and Boyd K. Packer feel that this is what God has declared. I and Boyd K. Packer try to vote and teach in accordance to what we believe God has declared. I expect you to do the same. But we do not hate you, we just respectfully disagree with you. I don't want you to be harmed, or belittled, at all. I don't expect that changing a law is going to prevent the sexual behaviors of people with same gender attractions, just as it doesnt prevent the sexual behaviors of people without same gender attractions who have sexual behaviors outside of the bonds of matrimony. I do have concerns that God is more displeased as this nation becomes less founded upon principles of righteousness.

I just want you to know that I understand where you are coming from though. If I did not believe that God had declared this, I would be upset too. For example-- If you belonged to a different church than me, and the leader of your church said that I shouldn't be married to McKenna and that what I was doing was offensive to God, I would be upset too. If I didn't agree with it, I would vote against it, and I would teach against it, I would post against it. I think it is an admirable quality that you fight so hard for what you believe and I respect you and love you as an individual.

Please respect and love people like Boyd K. Packer for doing what we think is right, just as I respect and love you for doing what you feel is right. Now-- that doesn't mean that I am telling you to stop doing what you feel is right.

I am sad that a lot of people hate those with same gender attractions. I consider you my friend, and I do not hate you-- I just disagree with you, but that is okay, we can still love each other as friends in my opinion.

I am glad that you have a determination to do what you feel is right. It does sadden me that our views of what is right are different, but I assume it saddens you too. I hope that you have and show respect for those like myself and Boyd K. Packer who seek to do what they feel is right, but who do not agree with you.

Responses from members defending Boyd K. Packers talk (part 1)

2010-10-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

From a member I went to the same ward with in my younger days....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I’ve got quite a doozy of typing going on. I had to put it into a separate document and save it every now and then, so that babies could accidentally bump the plug in. I will all your words in ( ), so that it separate...s the speakers. I tried bold and colors, but it wouldn't copy over. That's kinda lame. It’s nice to get to have these little...no, LONG chats.
Ok, so, here we go. And remember, I am not trying to be mean, just explaining my opinion. You can have yours and I can have mine. That is just fine.

(Packer ….. definitely follows the WYSIWYG ) ...I don’t know what that stands for, so if you’d enlighten me, that would be nice.

I went and listened to Boyd K. Packers talk just the other day, so I could review it. I was confused that people were calling it a hate speech at all. I really liked the talk and felt it was mainly dealing with how to get out of the trap of pornography. It lightly touched on same-sex marriage. In my opinion, I agree that just because something is voted on, does not make it right. I liked the comparison to gravity. If we vote and pass a law saying there is no gravity, it does not make it true or right.

--(pamphlet "To Young Men Only" (originally from the priesthood General Session Oct. 2 1976) that violence toward one who is "same gender attracted" is acceptable. It seems like a blanket approval of hatred through violence to me. )

So, I was interested in what was said there, so I checked it out. Here is what I got:

“It was intended that we use this power only with our partner in marriage. I repeat, very plainly, physical mischief with another man is forbidden. It is forbidden by the Lord.
There are some men who entice young men to join them in these immoral acts. If you are ever approached to participate in anything like that, it is time to vigorously resist.
While I was in a mission on one occasion, a missionary said he had something to confess. I was very worried because he just could not get himself to tell me what he had done.
After patient encouragement he finally blurted out, "I hit my companion."
"Oh, is that all," I said in great relief.
"But I floored him," he said.
After learning a little more, my response was "Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn't be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way"
I am not recommending that course to you, but I am not omitting it. You must protect yourself.”
-from the “To Young Men Only” info I found online.

In my summary of this tiny clip out of “To Young Men Only”, I do not see it as a call to everyone to be violent toward others, but a call to protect yourself from anyone trying to violate you. He does not say, “If you find out that someone is same-sex, you should beat them to a bloody pulp!” He is talking about a young man protecting himself from someone who is was trying to violate him. Though the story is a bit vague if he was just told, or actively coming on to him. It sounds to me that the young man was so shocked, it came out as a punch. Also, the young man felt bad about his blow, and was repenting of it. If a man was trying to rape me, I would not feel bad about hitting him to the ground. I would actually hope I could do even more to protect myself. Taser, pepper spray, and then get AWAY. You must protect yourself… that is the main message.

I also don't believe homosexuality is a trap of Satan. If this were true Jesus would have been "curing" people of homosexuality too. )
I do not believe it is a sickness, it is a sin. Jesus provided the “cure” which is available to all.... It is the gift of repentance. The reason why I see same sex attraction as a trap from Satan is that, first off, same sex marriage does not follow one of the first commandments that was ever commanded. Adam and Eve were told to multiply and replenish the earth. It was not said, “Do whatever you feel is drawing you in, and it’s all fine with me.” Same-sex attraction does not lead to families, and bringing God’s children to earth, and unity between husband and wife. All passions and desires are to be kept within the bounds the Lord has set. I believe this.

I am sorry, again if this is offensive to you or others. I am not trying to offend. What I wonder is; what is it that you and others want? It seems you are angry because of the Church is saying that it is “evil and wrong”. Do you want them to say there is nothing wrong, and this is pure righteousness? If so, I really don’t think the Lord is going to do anything different then he has ever done for those who choose to walk their own paths. He does the same as he has always done. Offer the plan of Redemption and the power of repentance and forgiveness. You mentioned being married. What I wonder, is why did you marry when you obviously didn’t love that person? I would rather be single, than married to someone I don’t love.

I want you to be happy Sean. But it is not up to me, or anyone else. It is up to the individual… kind of like the story of the 10 virgins, who were all followers of Christ and invited to the wedding. We need to find it for ourselves. It seems from your posts that you are full of anger and frustration at others. Why? Is it because you feel attacked? I am glad that we all have free agency and get to choose our own path in life. If you do not agree with the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints, then walk away, and don’t keep looking back and mocking or fighting. Religion is a choice, and you do not have to follow what the Church teaches.

Oh, you mention about the church’s support of Prop. 8. Or; marriage is defined as between one man and one woman. I think it was here in AZ too. I helped make calls to get opinions of this. I know about getting a legal marriage, because I followed it and paid $80 for a piece of paper and number...but I think marriage is more of a religious thing. An agreement between Husband and Wife and God. I wonder why the state even got into this? Is it for $? Back in the day, all a couple had to do was get whatever paster/preacher/sea captain they chose...that is for European nations, anyway. I guess they couldn’t choose a captain, there is only one on a ship. :) Anyway, about the religious thing, I may be wrong here, and I haven’t thought about it enough to form a complete opinion. But, I think marriage should only be a religious thing, and the state/govt should stay out of it. Separation of church and state. Because of this, the Church of Jesus Christ did not want it to be made law that the church had to accept same-sex marriages, and thus be breaking law by not allowing same sex couples into the temples of the Lord. This is all my opinion and thoughts here. So, I see the church/s making such a stand against this making same-sex marriage a law, because it is completely contrary to the teachings of the Lord. Thus, forcing what we believe to be “wrong and evil” upon us (You mention that you would indeed protest a law that forces you to believe something you don't agree with. With that same sentiment I find it shocking that members are puzzled why people would protest in front of temples and meetinghouse...s.)

What I find myself asking is, “Why are these people wasting their time and energy and life in protesting against what others believe, when they can believe as they want. No one has to join a church.

(To say nothing about how the church still comes to my home to endorse itself.)

Are you talking about missionaries? I am sure that if they knew you didn’t want them to knock on your door, they wouldn’t. Maybe you should put a sign up? Missionaries are not telepathic. :) That would be really cool.

(I guess we'll have to disagree about the division in the church.)
I guess we will agree to disagree. I was looking at the www.evergreeninternational.org site and noticed a quote from Hinckley...which I already felt would be so. None of the leaders (prophets/apostles) of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are pro same-sex because it does not follow the Gospel of Jesus Christ. But...I do agree that there is a LOT of reading of all kinds about all different topics. It’s nice to have so much info...but a bit overwhelming at times. A friend of mine, who was of a different church said that my church had too much info, and she only wanted a little pamphlet worth of reading. Lol.

(The gay youth homeless rate in Utah, where some believe the church is most true ) -the church is not more true in any one area than it is in another area of the world. Did you know that there are more members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints outside the USA, than in? ( is among the highest in the country.)
I wonder, what do they consider as “youth”. If one of my children was 18, and living at home and wanting to do things in my home that I didn’t agree with, then I would say something to the effect of, “I love you, but I don’t allow this in my home. You can move out if you want, or you can keep the house rules.” ...That would include drugs, alcohol, R rated movies, or porn...or whatever else I don’t want in my house and yes, even chocolate chip cookies if I am on a diet. Would I still love my child? YESSSS!!!!!!!! If my child was younger than 18, they could live at home, but anything they do contrary to house rules would have to not be in the house or on the property. I cannot follow them around everywhere. That is not good parenting. I need to teach them, and then let them choose for themselves. That is exactly what the Lord is trying to do for us. And boy, it is hard to see loved ones not following the Lord. I love them so soooo much. I love them, but I don’t agree with their choices. And that is ok.

(Really the discussion could be about how (p)assionate some leaders and members are instead of debating whether or not gay is right or wrong or a choice or inborn. ) Wrong choice and not inborn. Maybe “The Family: The A Proclamation to the World” did not say it cut and dry enough.

There is a LOT of reading about love and support and repentance. More than there is about same-sex marriage being wrong.

Well, I think that’s about it for now. Again, you do not have to agree with me, or the different churches that don’t agree with your choices. You do not have to believe the same as other people. None of this is meant to be said in a mean way or belittling to you or others.

Thanks for all your thoughts too Sean, and God’s peace for you too.

Over and out. Oh, if you don’t want this on your FB wall, you can always delete it from the side options. I’ll still consider you a friend.

Let the s%$t hit the fan

2010-10-04T14:24:00.000-07:00

Here is the first exchange between my dad and myself over the events of conference weekend.

Date: Mon, 4 Oct 2010 12:23:36 -0700
From: dad
Subject: Church
To: me

Sean: I thought this should be more private than facebook. Sean it is very obvious to me that due to your upbringing you follow church events to see if any change may occur that would help you again identify with the LDS church. Sean, you need to stop torturing yourself this way. Focus on the good in your life not the negative. Focus on how you can do what you can now, not with who you were or where you've been.

DAD

My Response:

Dad,

Thanks for your concern. On the contrary my only awareness about the recent yet regular stupidity of the church is via my circle of friends and aquaintences. Yes, nearly all of them are gay and yes many of them have LDS backgrounds. Some of them still think they can fight the good fight and conquer their "gay sin" as Boyd K. Packer suggested this weekend. I have no desire what so ever to reunite or rekindle past associations with the church. They could marry gays in the temple today and I would not go within 1,000 miles of the church. I never fit in to their picture of "how the world and eternity is supposed to be" and will not make any future attempts to do so. I cannot, however, stand by and let the gross intolerance and injustices of the church be perpetuated. They are wrong and as was seen in California they are dangerously powerful - politically and financially. To have tens of thousands of members give of their finances (some surrendering tens of thousands of dollars of their children's college fund to the church) time and professional resources, all for the cause of blocking my rights and encouraging government endorsement of their faith without questioning their leaders, motives, or the consequences of their actions on society is a freightening thing.

I will not give in to my LDS indoctrination of "bowing my head and saying yes" and turning a blind eye to letting these men endorse on the world stage taking away my freedoms while spreading and promoting hate, fear, and repression to my gay 'brothers and sisters' in the name of their "one true faith." Mormonism, apparently, has yet to learn from the historic atrocities committed by the other "one true church," Roman Catholicism. You say to focus on the good. Isn't fighting for the right thing focusing on the good? Isn't working towards equality so that others may not have to suffer and go what I went through reaching for a better tomorrow? I am doing what I can now, but I often feel it is not enough.

As I have told some of my friends, if the bills could still get paid, I would give up everything for this cause. It IS that important! If sharing all of what I have gone through in my life saves but one struggling gay youth or adult, or causes one member of the church to stop and think before judging or voting to "protect traditional marriage/families" while denying me my happiness then it is worth all of the challenges.

Much love,
~Sean~

Of worthlessness and sour grapes

2010-09-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

Like the tide things ebb and flow, advance and recede, get better then get worse. Its as if life is nothing but a permanently swinging pendulum that we are permanently attached to. Just as soon as I think things are getting better, that there is a point to moving forward, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, something comes along and shatters that fragile and mildly naive notion that things will be okay.

The other day I had an acquaintance point out to me that I was the only one with in my broad spectrum of friends around the country who wasn't either engaged, married, or seeing someone. Two of my dear gay friends within a couple weeks of each other became engaged to their boyfriends, several other friends who had resigned themselves to being single are now very happy in new solid relationships.

Usually my reaction to those events is positive and supportive. There are times where I question the maturity of being in a committed relationship to the point where one is engaged but making that an open relationship at the same time. I wonder what, then, is the point in calling it "engaged" or anything. None the less I am at least in some degree happy for those who find someone they are compatible with and decide to make a go at a long term relationship.

Normally this would be where the "but" of the subject would be. Perhaps it still is and I'm just trying to couch it in less derogatory terms. While the words of my acquaintance were merely observation which happened to be true they didn't strike home until last week. It's not like I'm not dating. On the contrary I've been trying rather hard to meet new people and when it seems right see where things go. Admittedly things are not moving along as I hope and pray that they would. So much for the power of prayer! I haven't been on a respectable date in months, and the chats and involvement of people interested in me as a dating opportunity have vanished. Am I old news already?

The real coup de gras came when the last wonderful guy I was seeing and trying so hard to cultivate a relationship with changed his facebook status. Really its fascinating how we as human beings hang on the status of people more online than offline. The guy who flat out told me he how much he liked me and was attracted to me, etc.. but didn't want to be in a serious relationship, is now in an official relationship that he publicly acknowledges with everyone and seems to be newly happy in it. Really I was shocked as he was the last person I would have expected to be in a serious relationship. Ironically he was also the last person numerically in my circle to no longer be "intentionally" single. I'm the last single and available vestige in my peer group, and it doesn't feel good to be last yet again!

When you put the observations of one individual with the actions of another you had feelings for but it doesn't work out, you can't help but question your validity or self worth. In nearly every dating case I've had, how few they are, I've been nothing but the warm-up act, or the play thing for those who aren't ready to commit themselves. Honestly it pisses me off. It seems I am the most undesirable person to have anything more than a "fling" with. I just don't get it. Is it because I have two stable jobs, an education, a home, a car, no diseases or addictions and I'm actually ready to settle down that scares people off? Is "loser" permanently displayed somewhere on my person and I haven't noticed? Its like being in middle school and having a "kick me" sign inconspicuously hanging somewhere all the while I'm wondering why I'm being kicked.

What is it about me now that makes people treat me like I have the plague or something? Admittedly I'm not the hunk always running around with a shirt off while doing my 6 miles a day but sheesh, there are much fuglier guys getting the relationships. One of my dear friends I do the music thing with, the sweetest guy and the most beautiful voice is getting hit on by the hottest 20 somethings around - going on dates with the more worth while of those and he is, shall we say, quite the large fellow.

I want so badly to fill in the final piece of my puzzle it cripples me. Too often are the days lately where I show up at work and hide for a couple hours while I sob quietly in a quiet corner. Aren't we all deserving of that one connection with one person? Dammit it's my turn now!

I give up!! I can't do this anymore. I think I'll just hide under my bed and cry for a while.

"And I'm Mormon"

2010-08-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

Seriously? So we have to be marketed that Mormon people are omnipresent now? So are Baptists, Catholics, Lutherans, etc, etc, etc. But you won't see any Mormons working at the strip club, adult store, smoke shack, or liquor store, now will ya? Keep marketing all those "good works" mandatory for salvation in the LDS gospel. The rest of us will continue leading normal lives while you keep trying to convince us how "just like everyone else" you really want to be.

Going video?

2010-08-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

So I'm debating on going the youtube Vlog route. Its not that I don't like doing this blog, it just takes so much time to put together cohesive thoughts. Also the audience here is rather small.

Any thoughts/suggestions?

Farwell Old Studio : Out with the old and in with the new

2010-07-31T18:47:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsC3kOUOgrQ

So my studio upgrade is for the most part complete. The only things missing are a new FireWire audio interface and a decent studio mic compliment. While the old keyboard gear will still be used as an interface for the East West libraries it's function will be limited to only a MIDI trigger function (for as long as it still operates). It's nice having programs that are current and up to date. Adios 20 year old sequencer. Hello Logic Pro. So long old friends... we had some good times in the last 12 years. Here's to the next 12 years.

SIFF

2010-07-24T12:00:00.001-07:00

Ugh, I'm so mad. 8: The Mormon Proposition was at SIFF and I didn't even know about it. I guess its time to by the DVD.

A new frontier: Rediscovering passion

2010-07-05T13:35:00.000-07:00

In this whole new journey of self discovery, or better put, self rediscovery I'm finding my talents again. It's not often where I think spending large sums of money can equate to any sort of happiness but I've found the exception to the usual rule that you cannot buy happiness.

It's been a strange blessing of sorts getting the new computer. It started as just a need because the old one was dying and something would have to be done to save the work on it before it gave out altogether. I usually sell myself short and not get top of the line stuff, but this time it was different. I wanted something I could grow into on some level which meant I couldn't be cheap this time around. I sought out what it would take to do the things I want on it and found what would meet those needs. Actually I thought it was a very mature choice, despite the cost.

With that newness comes all new software to learn and a simple yet exciting opportunity to rediscover. I now have a machine that can keep up with my creative abilities. Something my last computer did minimally and with great frustration. It is so easy now to record a musical idea, or assemble a video and put it on youtube. How awesome it is to be creative!

Seattle Pride 2010 Edition

2010-06-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

On Trial :Prop 8

2010-06-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

It has been a while. I haven't had much impulse to write anything lately. I guess since life often possess te same cycles unless something new alters those cycles I have had little reason to comment on things I have already written about.

However something new has entered in to the picture and has given pause for a new thought. Having recently served jury duty I've found myself somewhat intrigued by the legal process. Just today I found myself reading all 164 pages of the closing statements made at the prop.8 trial. I wish those proceedings had been permitted to be aired but it was perhaps to spare those who desire to legislate discrimination some embarrassment.

I'm encouraged by how strong the case is by those in favor of same sex marriage. The evidence is clear as was the testimony given. The opposition, claiming to be the majority and will of the people of California, unable to produce the any sort of majority of those willing to testify in their defense.

While I'm no lawyer, the case is incontrovertibly clear as is what would be a just decision. It is frightening to me that fear and irrationality often present in conservatives who resist addressing "the gay issue" is permitted such public heed. It would be well with the gay community to continue building its allies and friends based in facts and truth and not in superstition and religious controversies. While I quietly pray for a win for same gender marriage, the battle for equality of the LGBTQ community is only beginning. This is but the beginning and it is a war of sorts. But why should we expect it to be anything less as it was a war that gave our country independence, and to some extent, a war that triggered equal rights. May we be willing to fight for our rights together.

Affairs of the Heart

2010-05-02T23:02:00.000-07:00

Doing some more thinking lately. I know, I do that a lot. I had started off in a particular direction with this one that just wasn't going where it needed to go. So I've decided to let this one get a little more personal than perhaps what I would normally post on this blog. Often times I would put the more generic ideas here and the specific thoughts of my personal life on my other blog. But this is a subject I think that is germane to everyone regardless of where they are on their journey.

It's a strange thing - love. It is, perhaps, the one thing that we all need and desire as part of our survival and expression as emotionally inspired and driven human beings. Sometimes we want it where there is none to be found. And sometimes we find it where we least expect to find it. But when we do it nurtures and strengthens us - it draws us closer to our friends and loved ones and may cultivate and renew a romantic relationship.

Without it we are but empty shells, only a fraction of what we are created to be. We see those unable to express or share love shrinking in their humanity, becoming angry and bitter reminders of what happens in a loveless life. We need to give love as much as we receive it.

I have found myself talking to a dear friend about affairs of the heart rather frequently as of late. A friend to whom I find myself giving my heart to as our interactions continue. This happens to be the same individual I have been seeing for a few months now as life permits. While I thought it was safe to put all of those hopes and feelings and desires for a relationship on hold, our recent times chatting to each other just reinforces what my heart secretly desires. I can't seem to let go of this sweet guy my head tells me I need to move beyond. But he hasn't pushed me away so perhaps my head is wrong in this case.

While I could wax poetic about my feelings for this person while plucking rose petals it isn't yet the time to be professing "how do I love thee, let me count the ways." The words and the sincerity behind them are not yet ready to be received. As in many affairs of the heart he too has been burned by love in the past. Enough, perhaps, to make it a very difficult road to be able to get to a point of trust and vulnerability to take those massive walls down we often put up to protect ourselves. He is unsure he will ever be able to trust and be open to sharing love.

It's a tragic affair of the heart when love is betrayed. So it was for my dear friend. It was several years ago when he was in a relationship where all of the words, thoughts, and actions professed a mutual love. It seemed they were indeed both in love and perhaps were hoping or planning to build a life together. The relationship had blossomed. Yet, that was all about to change when the suicide of a close friend of his boyfriend interrupted a time of bliss. His boyfriend at the time was unable to hold on to the love they had for each other and draw strength and closeness during a time of personal grief and loss.

When I asked, "well, did he say anything to you when it ended?" Apparently after the tragedy this poor guy who lost a friend in one of the worst ways imaginable just got up and walked away entirely from their loving relationship with no explanation at all. The sad thing being this young man forgot to give back the heart of the one he once loved. It would seem that all of the relationships that followed for my dear sweet friend would not fair well. His heart was not in it.

As we were talking about all of this I couldn't help by gently cry for him. Certainly for what he went through and continues to put himself through after all the years. Even more for how it prevents us from exploring anything between us. I was indeed grateful beyond words that he would open up to me so much. It wasn't anything he was willing to do before now. After so much hurt trust is a difficult thing. But I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms and hold him and cry together and say it will be ok.

I find myself in the strange and unique position of really not knowing what to do. It would be easy to rationalize everything and convince myself nothing will ever happen and find some way to move on. But for reasons I can't explain, my heart has settled on this sweet guy. I want to be with him and help him during his struggles and be there to cheer him on and celebrate in those small victories of overcoming depression and finding that new life. Sure I fear that when he does reach the light at the end of the tunnel that he may want nothing to with me and will find someone else. but that is a risk I am willing to take. On the other hand it could be the beginning of a beautiful life long relationship. I really don't know what to do, but I know my heart will not be satisfied with out giving it a try, and try I must.

George Gershwin's "Someone to Watch Over Me" seems profoundly appropriate right now.

There's a saying old says that love is blind
Still were often told, seek and ye shall find
So I'm going to seek a certain lad Ive had in mind
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet

Hes the big affair I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret
Id like to add his initial to my monogram
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could always be good
Someone who'll watch over me

Although he may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

Spiritual House Cleaning: On the brink of Atheism

2010-04-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

Many years ago after my mission when I decided I needed to get away from Mormonism I made an active decision to "see how far the rabbit hole really goes." It's been 8 years since that choice and I have yet to find the end of that rabbit hole. I'm starting to doubt there is an end. The deeper I dig in to the claims and proclamations that the LDS church has made since its inception the more I find myself digging in to my own beliefs. I can see why so many that leave the church want nothing more to do with any sort of faith community after the fact. An obvious fruit of Mormonism - to poison the spiritual well.

But as I have done the searching out trying to get to the bottom of why (as I see it) the falsehoods masquerading around as "the one true restored church" continue to be perpetuated, I find myself questioning even further the basic tenants of faith. The old axiom of "the more I learn the less I know" seems to be completely applicable. The more I learn about the white lies Joseph Smith and his supporters told, the more contempt I find for Mormonism and those that ardently defend it. Being able to prove within logic and reason that Mormonism is not what it claims to be has only caused me to question my own stance within Christianity in general.

The digger I deep in to the Bible usually in an effort to respond to the many LDS apologists running around, the closer to the edge of Atheism I find myself. While before I could previously justify my lack of receiving answers to prayers as unworthiness (as you are taught as a member) as being the cause for not getting confirmations and guidance while a member of the church, I no longer have that as an excuse.

I find myself pleading with the almighty on a rather consistent and annoyingly regular basis, but to little avail and no response I feel I dare trust. Mormonism has corrupted my relationship with God if such a deity exists, and has soiled my understanding and awe of Christ and his saving grace. It would take more than a government super-fund site to even put a dent in cleaning up the hazardous waste from this spiritual fall out. My feelings are up to their old tricks of trying to pretend to be the Spirit in an answer to prayer when their is nothing to justify such sensations. Is God no more than wishful thinking-a human construct meant to soften an otherwise crushing blow of existence?

It was a rather powerful sermon in church yesterday given by a guest pastor who is in regional ELCA leadership. She also happens to be a member of the church I work for. 'We like to put up walls. Walls that keep us from changing include how we worship or progressing in our walk of faith. We want to keep the world of change out, because it keeps us safe. But that's not what Jesus did. He tore down walls and destroyed veils in temples. He brought us together as the body of Christ.' She went on to say 'it is in that place of complete and utter doubt and faith where we find ourselves meeting God. Where there are no walls to block out the world or change.' To be Christian is to always be changing was the implication.

I find myself wanting to know there is a God as much as I want to fall in love. Only my other friends here can even remotely fathom what that means having grown up LDS and done all the things expected of you to only find out both you and your world were not what they appeared or were supposed to be. Even those in the most unlikely of circumstances have managed to find themselves after realizing the fraud of Mormonism only later to discover their own fraud with their sexuality. Why aren't things getting easier yet? The more I learn the less I know. And, frankly, it pisses me off.

"Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears; from death into life." Meet me in my chasm of utter brokenness and emptiness. Fill my soul and life in your grace and mercy.

Comments

2010-04-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

Because of the increase in female Asian porno spam I have enabled comment moderation. Don't let that stop you from commenting in any fashion. I'm just getting tired of having to delete the spam in my comments. Thanks all! Sorry if this hinders your responses on this blog.

One house for sale

2010-04-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

So the ex and I just had a meeting with our realtor about selling the house. Sadly the news isn't good as others out there trying to sell already know. We can't pay anyone enough to buy a house that we can in fact afford - at least together but owe more than the thing is currently worth.

Since we've been divorced for almost 8 months and she has been seeing her current boy friend for about a year I can see why she is upset and just decided to go out. The poor thing was hoping ditching the house would be easier especially after all the work that has been put in to it. I suppose if I was seeing someone and desired to ride off in to the sunset with that person and couldn't get passed the previous relationship I would have similar feelings. But I'm not fortunate enough to be in that position. While it may seem callous I don't have naive sympathy in this case.

I don't know how many times I said we're not going to get anywhere rushing to put the house on the market this spring so why the rush getting things done. Perhaps she is looking for a place to assign the blame for this nightmare even occurring and would like to direct it to me. Of course it's all my fault after all. If I hadn't come out none of this would have ever happened, right? Perhaps its also my fault as my world was crumbling to pieces that she seemingly fell in love with a guy that has little beyond a high school education, lives with his mother (still), and while he can just barely afford his car and phone bill makes a little better than minimum wage and can't swoop in to rescue her from some of her own choices. But again, if I were in her shoes I might feel the same way. For once I think I'm very grateful not to be where she is, aside from not having some sort of relationship with some cute guy. I'm still looking for a guy that could love someone as nerdy as I am.

Gosh, why the heck am I making this about her? This isn't her blog - she can go get her own. So we really don't have any options on the house. We either have to stick it out here and wait for things to get better, which I'm sure she doesn't relish, or we find a way to give it back to the bank with as few casualties to credit and personal finances etc. as possible. In any case neither of the options are good. When the realtor's bottom line was, "hey you're young you still have some years to fix the damage from all this" I almost wanted to laugh. The house has probably been the biggest issue surrounding the whole mess of my coming out. What is a gay guy to do? Damned if I do and damned if I don't. At least I can be honest with myself now. That's at least one bonus in my favor!

The Orientation of Underwear?

2010-04-04T21:52:00.000-07:00

At the request of Abelard Enigma. A discussion about gay underwear. But first a disclaimer. Those of you not allowed to look at other guys in any sort of revealing attire should probably sit this one out. That is unless you intend to do some shopping as a result of this. I don't want hate mail from anyone's significant other suggesting I'm trying to lure people away. A bit of a joke folks - have a sense of humor...

For those not deeply versed in all things gay one might ask "how on earth can underwear be gay?" It is a valid question indeed. While any article of clothing is not inherently anything other than an inanimate object, it is the association with the wearer that usually is the correlation. We all know of the stereotypical gay man who is so effeminate he has to carry a fire extinguisher for being so "flaming," and takes preppy fashion to a whole new level of gayness. Then there are the guys in the middle who will set off your gaydar but their extremes in clothing taste are fairly moderate to conservative. And lastly, the rather masculine sort that befuddles the gaydar, leaves you guessing at best, and not knowing him from any other straight man at worst. These are the casual guys that look like any other guy, sometimes sporting cargos or carpenter jeans and a T or kicking back in Nike b-ball shorts and a wifebeater. I find myself falling in to the last category which probably in part explains why I find myself still single. Just an aside, I have had some friends with the best gaydar tell me I can't possibly be gay since I have a low gaydar profile and dress way too "straight."

With whatever we may be seeing on the outside and pinging our gay "spidy sense," our internal unseen expression through unmentionables will often reveal some clues. While some may see underwear as a utilitarian necessity, we won't discuss those who chose to wander about without said undergarments, I have found a reasonable percentage of gay fellas express themselves, in some fashion and by extension -their gayness, through their choice of underoos.

It doesn't take one long to wander through the "mens furnishings" of any major department store to see some interesting trends. And of course these trends will vary from locale even within a given region. Comparing two major high-end malls here near Seattle demonstrate this quite well. The mall in the richer metropolitan area places much more emphasis on the designer labels, for example. Of course the items a store sells is very much marketed and geared toward the community they serve.

If you were to go to a major online site that both the gay community and sellers consider geared towards the "homosexual male" we see some even more interesting things..

An example of tasteful but still highly provocative gay underwear might be the following model.

http://www.undergear.com/

A bit understated as far as "out and proud" gay underwear is concerned but still fashionable and fun.

Adventuring a but more in to the more daring would be the following which has certain internal enhancements for the male form and a silky synthetic fabric. http://www.undergear.com/

It is still somewhat conservative in terms of design and fabric choice, but with the improvements in the garment to provide a bit of "lift and separation" this certainly ventures in to the world of underwear only a gay man would wear. Or any man who is very comfortable in his own masculinity. It certainly helps to have a well toned body for any gay underwear.

The next several examples are what one would consider classic case "gay underwear." While in many respects any of this could be considered stereotypical these are rather common place and practical generalizations. Any guy that has gone to a gay pride festival knows what is part and parcel for such an event. You won't see any underwear vendors selling comfy roomy boxers or plain white Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Nope, many gay men want loud, and/or revealing. But the following are fairly typical examples of what an underwear store geared towards the gay man sells in droves. The boys will fight over the cute prints.
http://www.undergear.com/

Loud prints and fashion waistbands are in for the gay guys. To say nothing of very trim and form fitting. For many its all about revealing your "assets." Time to hit the gym if you have any reservations about slipping in to some of these.

Shiny silky fabrics are always good. The tighter the underwear the softer and silkier it has to be. Or at least thats my general rule.
http://www.undergear.com/

And venturing in to the more risque. Well, with all the mesh and see thru fabrics there are you can imagine the many variations there can be on this theme. I was going to throw caution to the wind entirely and actually put up such an example. But I don't need to be chastised or accused of posting "soft core porn" by those that can't handle it. If you don't want your gay card revoked you should get comfortable with it. If ladies can have naughty underwear for the heterosexual crowd why can't gay men? With that said here is the link to such an example, http://www.undergear.com/

So you can see the general theme accepted amongst the gay male populous for underwear is that which pushes boundaries in form, fit, design, and fabrics. The general idea is to show off your body or in some way bring attention to yourself. Trunks and boxer-briefs, as well as other European inspired underwear designs, are very popular with the gay fellas.

So as to avoid an inrush of inquires. No I don't have a deal with Undergear. They just happened to have all the examples I was looking for. All of the pictures come from their online store and you can browse at your leisure. And for the others who are dying to know what this gay man wears... No you won't really find any of this kind of underwear in my drawer. Yes deduct ten points off my gay card. I'm way too much of a traditionalist to wear all of this tight, flashy stuff. I do have a wide variety of fun, loud, and comfortable boxers and a few fun silk boxer briefs, but that's as wild as I get. Nope - you don't get to see, only my BF will get to view any of that up close.

Hope that helps Abe. I always like an excuse to post attractive guys in practically nothing. Thanks for the idea!

While out shopping

2010-03-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

There is just something about weekends. I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps being away from the rigors of work brings it all to the surface. Now things are so touchy that it's difficult to go out shopping with out getting emotional about it. And not in a 'I'm pissed 'cause Kohl's doesn't have the stylish jeans I want' sort of way. I really hope this isn't a bad sign. I mean is this normal?

So I see a pair of guys obviously a couple. They were in the underwear section checking out the cute gay things on sale. I hope I don't need to explain gay underwear to everyone. Anyhow it was just cute watching these attractive guys. And of course I thought to myself, now see I need myself a guy to buy cute things for. I happened to notice one of them was carrying a box with the neatest little desk in it. I just had to see what else there was that might be worth checking out so I started looking. I went over to the housewares via the fun appliances. Oooo, I want one of each of those kitchen gadgets. You mean it crushes blends and stirs your frozen beverages. I need one of those!

And then I get over to the other section through the linens of course seeing all the nice bed sets and towels wishing I could buy a bunch. Some really nice picture frames - but I don't have any pictures of anyone. Those foot stool things with storage in them - classy. And I see a table in a box just like the one the guy had. It happened to be next to an attractive outdoor tent complete with a chandelier. It was very classy.

And then it hit me. What the heck would I do with any of this stuff? I a few months I'll probably be homeless - provided the house sells. I sure as heck have no one, not even any immediately close friends to share it with. And as usual every thing seemed so pointless. I just wanted to crawl in to the hole where the composter was and bury myself in it. The days of playing house are long since over. Before long it will be me, myself and I - and literally no one else. The idea of coming home to an empty, well, apartment are indeed even less appealing.

I had been told by a number of trusted sources that after the first year things get easier. Am I just to darned impatient or am I hopeless?

Hell week is upon me. I suppose I'll have to sweep this back under the rug for later.

Hold your horses

2010-03-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

Wow! My last post has been the most controversial one to date. Thanks everyone for being such great participants, or perhaps great sports- a touch of humor, truly. My own little corner here is usually such a dark one that I'm really quite surprised at the number of reactions that have found their way on the comments page.

To those who may have been offended - none was intended. It was a rather blunt writing after seeing a few blogs dealing with a mixed orientation marriage where things were not going as was desired. I certainly didn't set out to spend my one year anniversary post shooting down those trying to make something work that I could not.

Just prior to starting this one I put on my other blog how I hope this has stirred a center of conscious thought. So let me redirect the cross examination a bit. What I hope everyone can take away from the previous post was an opportunity for themselves. To give yourself the permission to ask "Why am I/we doing this?" And to ask it of yourself and should you be so fortunate, your significant other, on a frequent basis. Is it out of duty, commitment, faith, hope devotion, love, fear, comfort..... Only you can ask the question and (I hope) honestly answer it.

There's a line at the end of Back to the Future. It goes something to the effect "the future is yours, so make it a good one." So despite my on the surface cynicism of the last writing I hope and pray you are all able to carpediem... in whatever way that means for you.

Peace all,

One year ago: a remembrance

2010-03-24T22:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found myself reminiscing while on another Moho blog trying to be helpful offering my thoughts about the struggles of a mixed orientation marriage that I experienced. I'm not sure I was very successful since it was late at night and I just shouldn't let myself be posting at 11:00pm. It wasn't until this morning in the shower thinking about what I wrote on their blog last night (and whether or not I should have said anything at all) when I realized it was one year ago today that I first came out. My goodness what a whirlwind of ups and downs it has been! A lot of downs and only a few ups - for now.

So after one year it seems worthwhile to hit on where things have been in the last year. I didn't want to get in to some syrupy post about how much I've grown in the last year. None of it was easy, fun, or desirable. I think if I had the choice then I would have very much preferred to kick the can down the road. One way or the other the outcome was inevitable. On the other hand, I've rediscovered myself and have been able to find a self honesty and self recognition of who I am that never once before existed.

For so many years I led a double life. The good, talented, Mormon boy that everyone saw, and the fearful closeted gay guy I really was while no one was looking. Secretly sneaking glances at the cute guy walking by, or discreetly looking online. Just a couple nights ago for the first time in my life I put a gay themed picture on my desktop that has rather profound meaning (just to the right here->). I can't exactly remember where I found it. Nothing stirs my heart more than to see a gay couple expressing their genuine love for each other. I like this particular image because their aren't faces, and despite how obviously attractive both of these guys must be, they really could be anyone. Even me. I have found myself collecting images of gay couples showing affection because that's what makes my heart swell and resonate within my being saying "this is what I want, and who I want to be."

In coming back to how it all began it really is amazing how I have survived it all. My ex was pretty determined to end things quickly. And then I see so many M-O-M Moho couples determined to make it work whether children are involved or not. I can't imagine once a spouse comes out and they decide to "make it work" how painful that must be for both in the relationship. Perhaps it all comes down to the ingrained teachings of the church and the illusive theology on the possibility of gay people being just like all the rest of God's heterosexual creations despite the lack of such a possibility in Joseph Smith's grand design in the Plan of Salvation.

Now being out of marriage and allowed to explore what I avoided for 29 years, I don't understand why any MOM couple would put themselves and their gay spouse through the mutual struggle of denying themselves and their happiness to stay in a relationship that is only minimalistically beneficial. The only caveat to that being children the couple have together. So I have to ask the question... is it some kind of selfish tendency that forces one to sacrifice one's self in a relationship that isn't going to work in terms of attraction, love, and physical intimacy? Why would anyone want to deny who they are and certainly a resulting lack of personal fulfillment and happiness? If there are children involved wouldn't a couple want to be in a stable, trustful, and loving relationship so as to be the best parents possible to the child?

I guess there are still so many things about a MOM that I don't understand. And it seems, at least for those in the Moho community, there seem to be a million reasons to "tough it out" and silently suffer, and never one reason permitted to be considered to support getting out of what clearly doesn't work for you, a relationship, or children - regardless of what your faith tells you. Forgive me friends, I just don't get it. Perhaps those of us raised in the church have some sort of self serving need to be martyrs of the faith like church history paints Joseph Smith as being. I've heard the line in other blogs that suppose that being married to a gay person is just another trial that won't happen in the next life. It makes me sad that spouses sometimes have little regard for their own happiness let alone the happiness of their spouse, pushing aside their needs and desires as well as those of their partner, screw on the Mormon smile and pretend everything will just happen to work out. Well if not in this life then definitely in the next, right? "Good thing we were sealed in the temple honey so this gay trial will go away in heaven." The unnecessary torture these families are putting themselves through... and I just don't know how to help them.

It's just so frustrating to see this situation continue to be perpetuated as a rational option for living life. And this is the point where I will pin it on the church and hold it responsible. If Mormonism, and many other faiths for that matter, didn't spread the falsehood that being gay is an abomination, a massive sin, is something that can be controlled, and all those other lies, none of us would have gone through the miserable messes we have. I would have been better off not wasting so much of my life and carelessly dragging another person with me. Things could have been so much more pleasant and odds are life would be a lot more rosey.

The amount of agony I could have avoided watching my ex start dating a mutual friend only a week or so after I came out, and long before we filed for divorce. The resulting "honesty" that came out of her unhappiness and admitting to me how much she wanted to have an affair (and well technically ended up getting that wish). I would have liked to have avoided all of it.

So many things I wish I could have avoided. What can I do but keep moving. I suppose some good has resulted from the mess. My first date in the summer. The first very brief dating relationship with another Moho guy I was interested in. And the best of all, being able to look at boys and go, wow he's cute, without feeling guilty!

I just keep hoping that picture of the two guys will swiftly come to a reality for me rather than just a figment of my desire as it always has been for the last 30 years. I keep that picture on my computer not to remind me of what some may have considered a loss while in the closet, but what I've gained. Freedom and some degree of happiness. And not just being free from the chains in my closet, but free to pursue my love - whomever that ends up being. Thank you God for such a blessing, however hard it was in the beginning, but keep walking with me on it since I have such a long way to go still.

An anniversary posting coming soon

2010-03-24T12:56:00.001-07:00

Just like the title says. A bit of a momentous week for me.

As it was once before is probably now

2010-03-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

Borrowed from Rob @ Scrum Central for my own archive here. If anyone has access to a more original online I would love to have a link. This one stops and makes you think hence why I have reposted Rob's excellent arranging of this piece.

Dear -----:

It was a real pleasure to greet and have a moment to visit with you and your wife here this past week. It is wonderful to see how enthusiastically you are received by the good people of Utah.

After listening to your talk on homosexual rights, I am very much concerned. Several others have expressed the same concern to me. It does not altogether harmonize with my own understandings regarding this subject; therefore, I thought to drop you a note--not in my official Church position, but as a personal friend. Only President Monson can speak for the Church.

I felt that your views were most liberal on this vital problem in light of the revelations, but nevertheless, I cannot deny you the right of your position if it represents your true belief and feelings.

I would like to suggest you read the teachings of leaders of the Church on this subject. President David O. McKay said homosexuality was even worse than heterosexual immorality and called it a "filthy and unnatural habit." Spencer W. Kimball called homosexuality a habit based on selfishness and caused by masturbation, said it was unnatural and contrary to the nature of God, and declared that no real love could ever exist in any homosexual relationship. He affirmed that it could be cured and suggested that those who failed to overcome it simply had not tried hard enough. As you may know, the organization called Evergreen International, which has unofficial Church backing, offers resources and support for members of the Church with this problem and who wish to change their sexual orientation.

When I reflect upon the statements of these Church leaders and remember what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah, as well as to the ancient Greek and Roman civilizations which all tolerated and supported homosexuality, I am sobered by their demise. They went contrary to the teachings of the prophets, unwittingly, no doubt, but nevertheless, the prophecy of Joseph Smith, " . . . those who are determined to pursue a course, which shows an opposition, and a feverish restlessness against the decrees of the Lord, will learn, when perhaps it is too late for their own good, that God can do His own work, without the aid of those who are not dictated by his counsel," has and will continue to be fulfilled.

In this respect, let me give you a personal experience. A friend of mine in Arizona--not a Church member--a great champion of homosexual persons--came to me after my call into the Twelve, and acknowledged President Monson to be a Prophet of God. He wanted me to ask President Monson to inquire of the Lord to see if the Lord would not lift the curse from homosexual persons and give them the privilege of same-sex marriage. I explained to him that the Lord had prohibited homosexuality; therefore, it was the Lord's responsibility--not man's--to change His decision. This friend of mine met a very tragic end by drowning. He was a most enthusiastic advocate of same-sex marriage privileges for homosexual persons and went about promoting for them all the privileges, social, opportunities, and participation enjoyed by the heterosexuals.

The statements of the prophets I reference above have been a helpful influence on me because they accord with my own understandings regarding the homosexual. I cannot, in my own feelings, accept the idea of public accommodations. I do not have any objection to recognizing the homosexual in his place and giving him every opportunity for education, for employment, for whatever contribution he can make to the society of men and the protection and blessings of God. Yet, all these things, in my judgment, should accord with the expressions of the Prophet Joseph Smith.

It is not right to force any class or race of people upon those of a different social order or sexual classification. People are happier when placed in the environment and association of like interests, sexual instincts, habits, and natural groupings.

I am enclosing a little booklet entitled "God Loveth His Children", which you may already have. If not, it is an enlightening exposition and quite well reflects the Church position in regard to these people.

I am not against legislation that would establish basic civil rights for the homosexual if it conforms to the views of the Prophet Joseph Smith and the other leaders of the Church according to the references above given. I fully agree that the homosexual is entitled to considerations also stated above, but not full social benefits nor marriage privileges with each other, nor should heterosexuals be forced to accept homosexuals into restricted heterosexual areas. In my judgment, the present effort to establish so-called "gay marriage" is vicious legislation. There needs to be some modification. The position of the Church cannot change until the Lord changes it Himself. Certainly I am not for exploiting gender-based or religious prejudices, but it is the present play-up to the homosexual voters which is unnecessarily creating problems that by a more firm, sensible approach can be avoided. There will always be a few die-hard leaders, but then that has always been true with any debatable issue. Principle--religious or otherwise--cannot be abrogated for political expediency.

Now, don't think I am against the homosexual, because I have several in my employ. We must understand and recognize their status and then, accordingly, provide for them. I just don't think we can get around the Lord's position in relation to the homosexual without punishment for our acts; going contrary to that which He has revealed. The Lord will not permit His purposes to be frustrated by man.

Please understand that I have a great respect and admiration for you, but because of my feelings I thought I should express myself as I have so you will know my personal position.

This letter is for your personal use only (also your wife's), and is not to be used in any other way. It does not require an answer.

With best wishes and success to you both always, I am

Faithfully your friend and brother

"Surprised? Astonished, even? Think this is a fake?

Well, it sort of is, but sort of isn't either. Replace all the gay references with "African-American" or "race" or what have you, as necessary, and take out one paragraph where I had to substitute some quotes from past LDS leaders, and you'll have the exact text of a 23 January 1964 letter from Mormon Apostle Delbert Stapley to Michigan Governor George Romney, in which Stapley essentially told Romney that his support for civil rights was contrary to God's will. Yet how much of this letter, as I've "amended" it, falls right into line with current Mormon thinking about God's gay children?"

Time goes by so slowly

2010-03-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

Will it ever get easier or should I just resign myself now?

The Heavens are Shut

2010-02-26T10:16:00.000-08:00

Image by: cjohnson7 at http://flickr.com/photos/72621973@N00/1460568819

Please see Rob's excellent post and remembrance of Stuart Matis at Scrum Central.

I think it fitting to once again point out the lack of such desperately needed "modern revelation" amongst the Mormon church in regards to the issue of homosexuality. As Rob very astutely points out, the church has been swinging back and forth over this issue for decades. In consideration of the church's posturing amongst other Evangelical and Fundamentalist Christian groups so as to attain some degree of political clout, it is clear to see the church leadership is unwilling to officially pick a side and stick to it.

My devout LDS readers may be further offended, but one with eyes to see and ears to hear can see that in this issue alone the modern revelation channel the church subscribes to does not seem to be working. If it is the Lord's "one and only true church on the face of the earth" why is he not speaking to Mr. Monson, who is charged with speaking to the Lord on this important topic? How many more need to die needlessly before a convenient revelation comes? The heavens were never open to the leaders of the church. This is but another sad chapter in the history of Mormonism. The charisma of Joseph Smith with his quick and creative intellect to generate "revelation" at just the right time are but faded pages in the history of the church.

Scripture and intellectual dishonesty

2010-02-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

In reading another fellow moho's blog the following topic came to mind. While no disrespect is intended to those still trying to reconcile with the church I find the mental gymnastics some go thru rather fascinating. The poster was commenting about a BYU professor who was of course a faithful member yet a thorough archaeologist. When of course having a discussion about the lack of archaeological evidence around the BoM it was asked of the professor how do you remain faithful when the "proof" doesn't exist. The professor's response was "I wear two hats."

The blogger went on to explain how they rationalized being in the church when it's keystone is not a book that may or may not be fiction, but solely upon faith, truth and evidence being irrelevant to that faith.

I find myself getting in to regular verbal sparring matches on Youtube with the blindly devout members and self proclaimed experts (aka "apologists") on the various vagaries of Mormonism. It is really quite amazing the intellectual tail chasing such people do to find the most unsubstantial "proof" they can and qualify it buy being fact and legitimate evidence. Such things by these apologists are usually only quotes of some other member or apologist working at one of the fiction mills associated with not proving the credibility of Mormonism and all its claims, but trying to poke wholes in legitimate and reliable science practices that disprove overwhelmingly the church. Really the whole thing and all the flows from it is nothing but one large and relentless ad hominem attack.

But the resulting issue remains. If the church is in fact true why does it need so many people running around shoring up the dam and putting out doctrinal fires of the past? I would think the church would not allow any defensive organizations to be "unofficially" spreading confusion through illogical and inconclusive findings and publishings. But of course the church has said official doctrine comes from the First Presidency with a *wink wink and a nudge to the apologists and general authorities. If Mormonism is true why the intellectual dishonesty? Are we not to be honest in thought, word, and deed? Wouldn't God have given some small scrap of something tangible to support faith? We still have existing cultures and places from Old and New Testament times but yet not a shred of anything from Book of Mormon history has ever been found or will ever likely to be.

I'm sure in due course we will be hearing from the faith promoting justification leagues of people (that get a biased BYU education to lend credibility to their unscientific garbage) who shall still go unnamed as I don't want them to get any publicity on my watch, will start rationalizing the spiritual customs of early american civilizations. Some how "The Great Spirit" is going to end up an apologist publication with more even more of the mental razzle dazzle saying "see Christ did come to the Americas - that's what the native cultures mean. This proves the church is true and why we need to give the remnants of the Lamanites the gospel again." Mark my words it's heading that way.

I'll use my favorite line again... "Truth needs no buttress."

Church and Family

2010-01-31T21:38:00.000-08:00

I happened to be thinking about what it is that ties us together. That thing that makes family what it is. My family is not what you would consider one of "closeness." If anything we probably try to avoid eachother on most situations. I'm sure my coming out hasn't helped in that area either. But I have stopped to ponder why is it that we are so isolated, to the point of not even regularly talking to one another.

Not surprisingly it seems many answers begin and end with the church. It was the church the brought us all together and it was also what has ultimately divided us. Despite proclamations on the family and other official sanctions approving of the stereotypical Mormon family things did not end up as church leaders have supposed they would be. The promises of the church have failed incredibly.

My dear mother, who has been gone for 12 years now (my has it been that long?), was the one that held it all together and the church was the glue. It was her faithfulness that kept it all pieced so carefully together. She ran herself ragged trying to make our home live up to the Mormon standards of family and it wasn't easy. Now that the tie in to the church is missing I suppose it is no wonder we've scattered to the winds.

My dad still goes to church on a fairly regular basis, but it seems more out of habit then out of sincereity as one of the faithful. My sister however has taken quite the church plunge. She seems to be determined to out mom our mom in the church faithfulness department and making darn sure her children are well established in the church "lest they be lost to the wolves." I think it is just over compensation.

The rift between us all seems to be an ever widening chasm. I once thought my sister, the scientist and teacher, was the sanest out of the family, but her blind faith in church doctrine trumped that of family and love. I doubt that the day will come where I will be accepted as I am by her. We all know what it's like to be shunned by our family members "hyper active" in the church. In they eyes of one of my own siblings, I am a walking "abomination" willingly sinning over a "choice to love men" instead of women. I am null and void to God's plan and the plan of salvation and my departed relatives weep for my poor choices. Or so I'm lead to believe.

How the "perfection" of Mormonism has soured my family to be distant and removed at best, and hateful, bigoted, biased, and unloving at the worst. This is the fruit of the "traditional Mormon family," that which espouses only heterosexuals make a family and good Mormon families should protect marriage from same sex couples.

When I'm with my BF there is more love there than I have felt in my entire some 30 years of existence. I can even begin to process what I feel in the relationship. But I know that's where I belong. And yet I think about what it is the people are trying to protect in blocking "gay marriage." There really isn't anything worth saving in my family unity. No amount of "protecting marriage and 'traditional family values' is going to change how I'm viewed or loved in my family. Neither will it change where Mormonism still fails to understand one of the most important commandments - unconditional love.

My family is who ever accepts me for who I am. Not where I come from and who I'm related to. I wish I had a bigger "family." I long to be with more of those who love me for me.

Tommy's Story

2010-01-12T20:24:00.000-08:00

Tommy shares with talk show host Laura Lavigne
his life journey of being gay and growing up in the Mormon Church.
Listen to Tommy's story here

"Do as I'm doing"... or else.

2009-12-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

This is what happens if you don't do as you're told.

Service of Hope

2009-12-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

Just got back from yet another service at church. That's 3 for those playing the home game - about 7 hours worth of church including some planning and rehearsal time. Annually we have a service of hope for those that struggle with the season. Some experience loss, other despair, and some just find this time of year hard. While I'm usually at this service to play the musical portion anyhow it seemed rather apropos that I be there after all that has gone on this year.

It is a service that even in the best of times is difficult for me to get through. I darn near lost it this year. That cauldron of emotions began to bubble yet again. But I have to keep it together to play the service. Praise God for some degree of maturity and focus to be able to channel those feelings in to rather poignant improvisations on selected Advent and Christmas tunes.

At one portion of the service the refrain of a hymn was used as a response to stories and scriptures of heartache that were shared. I share it with you:

      Healer of our every ill,
        Light of each tomorrow,
        give us peace beyond our fear,
        and hope beyond our sorrow.

To all of my fellow gays be they Mormon, non-Mormon, or ex-Mormon I light my candle for myself and for all of you who struggle through the holiday season as I do. May we all find peace in Christ and his promise of hope beyond our sorrow.

I'm alive

2009-12-04T22:48:00.000-08:00

To those who have been so kind as to send notes of concern I am alive. I have been out of town all this week and suffering a little internet withdrawal too. But anyhow I'm still here despite it being the busy season for me. Lots of concerts and performances.

Giving Thanks or ?

2009-11-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

In talking with some of my fellow MoHomies I find it fascinating that some have such and optimistic outlook on life. Especially some of the ones that are in some difficult situations as I once was. In one particular chat on Facebook I was groaning how the holidays this year are probably going to be the worst ever. Things are usually bad enough as I remember the anniversary of my mom's death (12 years come Dec. 1). But this year I get to add to that the additional angst of having been through a rough bout with finding myself, attempted suicide, business issues, divorce, seeing an ex move on before the divorce, and being very alone.

When my dad called to extend the invitation of being on the other side of the mountains for Thanksgiving at their house I was a little apprehensive. With all that has gone on this year I'm not in very much of a festive, let alone grateful mood. Especially with a 3.5 hour drive just to get there. Perhaps sensing my reluctance my dad sweetened the deal a little by saying "you're also welcome to bring a 'special' friend if you want." Now the gesture in and of itself is huge coming from my still very LDS dad. Yet at the same time it felt more like a knife in my back now that I no longer have anyone to share my life with. The odds of my status going from single and available to happily taken are not likely to change any time soon short of a miracle occurring. God if you're up there are you listening?

So it just added to my weight of the holiday season. It's bad enough feeling the loneliness in and of itself with out adding an entirely new helping of personal guilt for not being "good enough" for anyone to even go on a date with. In talking with Good to be free we were going on about how being gay is difficult enough but being (ex) Mormon and gay makes and already small pool of fish evaporate almost entirely. Since there are plenty of us who don't smoke or drink, and aren't interested in the one night stands (although even then I'm feeling myself wanting to slip there too), it places with us a certain stigma in the community for not being "stereotypically gay." So what is a poor lost boy to do? I have no answers but I would love for Santa to leave me a boyfriend for Christmas. It's the only thing on my list this year.

A new post. Man on a mission Chapter 4: Latter Days

2009-11-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

Another installment on my other blog has been posted. For now this brings things up to date. Not exactly light or short reading but it is what it is. It almost saddens me that there isn't more to write other than keep up on personal events. Perhaps this is just a natural evolution but I hope there will more to write in my adventures. If nothing else may my journey be be able to help those who have just started theirs. To them may they learn from my mistakes.

Happy reading.

Did you know?

2009-11-10T16:57:00.000-08:00

I had no idea you could become the President of the LDS church and not have served a mission. How amazing is that? Despite every previous president's admonition that all worthy must do so....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_S._Monson

MORMON CHURCH LEADERS BEND UNDER SCRUTINY BROUGHT ON BY 8: THE MORMON PROPOSITION. IS THIS ANOTHER MORMON P.R. STUNT?

2009-11-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

PRESS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: STEVEN GREENSTREET (801) 580-3103

PRESS@MORMONPROPOSITION.COM 

MORMON CHURCH LEADERS BEND UNDER SCRUTINY BROUGHT ON

BY 8: THE MORMON PROPOSITION. IS THIS ANOTHER MORMON P.R. STUNT?

On November 10, 2009 several highly placed people featured in the upcoming documentary film 8: THE MORMON PROPOSITION were contacted by well-placed people inside the Mormon Church in anticipation of an "historic statement against discrimination" to be made by the Mormon Church. 

They were told, "Watch what we are about to do. You will be pleased."

At this hour gays and lesbians all over the world hope that the Mormon Church's announcement will not be yet another Mormon public relations smoke screen and result in action that will result in full marriage equality for the LGBT community world-wide. 

Since the release of the trailer for 8: THE MORMON PROPOSITION, intense scrutiny has been focused on Mormon involvement in the passage of Proposition 8 and allegations that the Mormon Church set up the infamous NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR MARRIAGE which was the key player in Maine's recent ban on gay marriage.

Sources close to those who called our cast and production team alerting us to the upcoming Mormon statement on discrimination say that Mormon Mitt Romney has recently put pressure on his own church to extend an olive branch to the gay community to try and deflate the anticipated negative press that will come from the release of 8: THE MORMON PROPOSITION that would likely damage his hope for a successful 2012 presidential bid. 

Ironically (and we suspect in step with the Mormon's anticipated statement on discrimination) Mormon-owned KSL TV released an article on their web site saying "Romney appears to be front-runner in 2012 election." 

http://www.facebook.com/l/cac2b;www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=8613293

While the 8:TMP team hopes Mormons end their game of discrimination against the LGBT community and wishes to work with people of all faith traditions to end discrimination, we would like to assert the following.

FACT: Under similar international scrutiny, Mormon leaders have in the past made similar statements regarding being against discrimination directed towards minorities & the LGBT COMMUNITY.

FACT: Gay leaders in SLC begged Mormon leaders to back up their statements on ending discrimination against the LGBT commmunity, through Mormon support for their COMMON GROUND initiative.

FACT: Despite lip service, Mormons did not get behind the COMMON GROUND INITIATIVE and in fact worked to see the initiative's defeat.

FACT: Despite lip service to people of color, the holiest book of Mormon scripture THE BOOK OF MORMON still refers to people of color as being "CURSED WITH A DARK SKIN, FILTHY AND LOATHSOME."

FACT: Despite lip service to people of color, printings of MORMON DOCTRINE by beloved Mormon Apostle Bruce R. Mcconkie, assert African Americans are "marked" for not being fully behind the plan of Jesus Christ in a pre-earth life war in Heaven.

FACT: A Mormon spokesperson told 8TMP's director "this is all about public relations and making the church look good."

In conclusion, as Mormon heavy-hitters prepare for the so-called "historic announcement" our team would encourage Mormons to put their money and their membership by doing the following:

1. Severing all Mormon ties to the NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR MARRIAGE, which works to rob the LGBT COMMUNITY of their civil rights.

2. Directing an amount of money equal to Mormon money spent in California's Prop. 8 campaign to LGBT marriage equality.

3. Removing from all Mormon canonized scripture any reference to people of color as being "cursed or marked with a dark skin" or being "filthy and loathsome."

4. Ask Mormon Apostle Dallin H. Oaks to retract his recent teachings on LGBT "alleged civil rights" and affirm that LGBT rights are not "alleged" but deserved and long overdue.

Our production team and cast await the day when Mormons will work with the LGBT community not only with their words, but their money and their members to achieve FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY. This is the only way to truly advocate for the end of discrimination against ALL PEOPLE. Anything else is lip-service.

A repost from my facebook with some value added comentary. I couldn't resist

2009-11-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

I just cannot believe how some have to keep telling lies. I found this on the anti-gay 'protect "marriage" wa' website (I will not post a like to give them more hits) after a whiny and lengthy diatribe complaining about them wanting all of the names that signed the petition to put R 71 on the ballot kept secret. I'll only repost the key item they wrote at the bottom of their most recent post.

Friday November 6, 2009

The results of the November 2009 election in Washington remain too close to call.

Too close to call with pretty much all the ballots in hand and most of them counted!?!?! You have to be frakin' kidding me!!! Get your divisive self righteous heads out of your behinds and look at the numbers. The math doesn't lie. 1 + 1 still does equal 2 although I'm sure a number of literalist Christian conservatives would like to change this truth as well.

Clearly these people have no idea how elections work. The voting margins have been set it, is clear how people are voting in each county, and the people have spoken. Admittedly this is not a land slide in favor of gay rights outside of King county, but still, the majority has spoken in a vote by the people. As the votes were coming in and "approve R-71" maintained a lead the anti-gay group were asking the Christians of the state to "pray - in" a "reject" victory (because all good Christians are apparently anti-gay rights since, "the Bibles says..." and therefore God is on their side) my sick ex-Mormon mind couldn't help but to think that there prayers weren't being answered because...

Perhaps you have some unresolved sin, aren't praying with 'real intent', aren't reading your scriptures enough, aren't paying a full and honest tithe, aren't fasting with purpose, aren't participating in your church meetings, aren't doing enough temple work or fully performing your callings (for my Mormon friends) for God to hear and answer your prayers to reject domestic partnerships. This is the basis for having prayers answered after all as I was taught in my youth and what I was asked to teach as a missionary. That OR, God does not exist, OR domestic partnerships and gay rights ARE in fact the will of God. Hmm...

Prop 8, the Musical

2009-11-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

I just couldn't resist posting what a friend sent.

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... from Jack Black

Secrets of the Past (November Theme)

2009-11-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

As was suggested I thought I would do a two fold post. Just a blurb on the theme and then yet another pause for the beginning of another mopey week, or so it seems.

So the only secret I could possibly get off my chest is rather obvious. I'm gay and have been for as long as I can remember. Now being who I was and how I was raised it has taken my entire life thus far to realize what I am and make an attempt to come to peace with it.

I was thinking this morning before I got out of bed that, yeah, I've been gay for as long as I was even remotely aware of what such things were. My earliest recollection of being attracted to guys goes back to elementary school. Something made me more curious about the boys then the girls. Not being in the thick of puberty yet I didn't think much of it and of course I had no idea what it was. But then middle school hit and even in the high anxiety world of P.E. I found myself drawn to some of the cute guys in my gym class. You know looking around in the locker room while trying not to be caught looking around. Again no idea what so ever I was gay. Really gay didn't exist - I had no family or friends that were "that way." It is certainly not going to be talked about in any good LDS home in those days. Just "the talk" about the "birds and the bees" seemed rather abrupt even for a dad who is a medical professional.

At any rate high school hit and of course I was still discreetly checking the guys out. I had a couple groups of friends and guy friends. And again I thought nothing of it. How I wish I could have got past the whole self awareness phase and come out while I was still in high school and young enough to rebound from it before college. It's really somewhat amusing now how oblivious I was to my gayness. It wasn't until I had "the phone call" with my dad, who was not surprised, where I realized that even he suspected all those years ago.

My dad reminded me of my first crush. Being where I'm at I can see that whole thing as being just that, but of course even just a few years ago I would have never saw my attraction to this guy for what it truly was. I was an under classmen and this guy was a senior. He was a sweet, friendly, outgoing sort. I was drawn in by his musical talents, he had a wonderful tenor voice, played the trumpet and piano well, and had quite a faith in God. He was not LDS but a good christian guy. There was just something about his eyes that to this day still makes me melt. He had befriended me as he did with so many others. I found myself at his house a time or two where we'd hang out and do music nerd stuff with the christian music he was passionate about. His little brother was my age and in some of the same classes I was. They were complete opposites in those days. But I was drawn in by my high school crush. When I found out their family was moving to Las Vegas I was heart broken. It wasn't long after where my mom was diagnosed with cancer the year following loosing that battle.

I still think about what could have happened had I not been confined to the Mormon way of life. In the years the passed I thought often about my first crush... what he was up to and whether or not he could have had any feelings for me as well. Since the miracle of facebook he has become part of my gathering of friends and acquaintances. I had figured that if our paths had ever crossed again that I would discover that he would be married and have a few kids. But as with others, I remain perplexed by the guys that in their personal information only put that they are single. No other mention as to if they are interested in men or women or what. How many straight guys do we know that take full advantage of such a thing to advertise they are single and want a woman? But there he is - just single. So I have to secretly wonder could he be... Sadly friending on facebook does not guarantee being able to strike up even a casual conversation with former friends. I've thrown a couple of wall posts and private messages his way just curious to see where the last 12 years has led him, to no response. Yet, I stop and wonder. Should he ever come across this and figure it out I would be mortified and turn every shade of embarrassed color imaginable. But then again...

Of course thinking so much about what might have been when I wasn't ready to come out leads me to contemplate what could be now that I'm ready. And what I find hurting is now that I'm ready the opportunities I've had now seem to be gone. My social circle of live interactions has shrunk to a party of one - me, myself, and I. While I appreciate the connections I seem to be making online, nothing compares to getting to know people in real life. We are social creatures after all.

Just last night and also this morning I was thinking about the fictitious love of my life, not my high school crush. A few years ago I would have said that was with the girl I married only later to end up being divorced. Some how God managed to bring her to me for the purposes of showing me a better path for myself. Now I have to wait all over again to find the guy I should have been with from the start.

I have spent way too much time thinking about the first date and all the things I want to happen in a relationship that I've been craving for nearly 30 years but never getting. It's worse than being hungry for a good steak and potatoes. I have felt myself feeling desire for such a true relationship in every part of my body. And my spirit aches to have that connection with someone. My friend, my soul mate, my love. Oh merciful and loving God don't make me wait too long. Lead me to "the one."

Another Chapter

2009-10-31T16:38:00.000-07:00

Chapter 3 is up on my other blog:
http://manonamission-seansstory.blogspot.com/

Where I'm at [October Theme]

2009-10-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

Following in other's lead a little blurb about where I'm at. Since I only came out in March I'm not as far as many of you out in there in MoHo land. I still live in the house my ex and I purchased. She is still living there as well until we can get to a point to sell it. Within a couple weeks of me coming out the ex decided to start dating an ex-roommate of ours (there's a story there I might share sometime) and they have been seeing each other for about 6 months. And yes I get to see it all.

As for me I've only been on one date - with a guy that is. I learned a lot from that and have formed ideas in what sort of person I'm interested in. Interestingly enough I don't fit in to any stereotypical gay category being a very straight acting personality that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and doesn't really fit in to the gay party/social scene. So I am, as many ExMoHo's know about themselves, an oddity among oddities.

I've been doing huge quantities of reading and studying trying to get past both my crisis of identity and faith. It's still slow going but reading the stories of others and helping others helps me. Of course being very inactive and only working as a musician for other church's I don't feel like I really have a spiritual home. I haven't yet requested my name be removed from LDS membership and it is something I am dreading actually following through on despite my hostile feelings towards Mormonism.

All the reading and watching nice "gay movies" like MILK, or Latter Days doesn't, however, make those feelings of loneliness and needing a personal and intimate relationship go away. Sometimes it makes it worse. Most nights I cry in to my pillow and praying that the painful part of this transition will be over soon and that I will find the true love of my life and that there will be a point where things will get better. But I often feel that such prayers and yearnings fall on deaf ears. I hate being alone and even after almost 30 years and a failed marriage I'm still waiting to find that person I fully connect with. But for now all I can do is wait and hope that all of this pain and suffering is not in vain.

My Story (October Theme)

2009-10-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

I started a second blog to chronicle my personal journey in, through and out of the church. Much of this is a repost from my Facebook account. It can be found at the link below. I share my story that it may be of help to those just starting their journey and to those further down the path who can be strengthened by the belief that no one is alone.

Man on a mission

8: The Mormon Proposition

2009-10-20T20:15:00.001-07:00

I'm looking forward to seeing this.

http://www.mormonproposition.com/

Would you change the mind of God?

2009-10-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

"Would you want to belong to a religion where you could change God's mind about something?"

I saw this question on the Deseret News website in response to reactions about General Conference and what the General Authorities are saying about homosexuality. It was such a provocative question that I couldn't help but bring it here. I will answer the question at the end.

As the tension increases and the great debate of whether or not being gay is ok as God sees it I stumbled across something I couldn't push away. I was rather touched by the film "MILK." How someone in essence died as a martyr for the gay rights movement. While many LDS like to lay claim that Joseph Smith was the only "true" martyr in religious history I found some interesting and painful stuff in church history.

It is really amazing how when you start diging in the past of Mormon history it reopens old wounds of leaving the church fearing deep down it was true. Yes, I still have more healing to do but finding this little gem of history continually affirms that I made the right choice to leave Mormonism behind and find my true self.

I was perusing the Affirmation website and learned that the church in the 1970's whole heartedly approved of the anti-gay movement. The church that claims to love everyone, as long as you are baptised in the church and are obedient to the leaders and just do as you are told... isn't quite so innocent. As if there was ever any doubt in my mind.

In "MILK" and seeing the documentary "The Bible Tells Me So" I was stunned by the "christian" nastiness by the fallen crusader Anita Bryant. Few have been so publicly anti-gay and homophobic. I was surprised to learn that she does in fact have a gay son and, shockingly, her stance outside of the spotlight has softened towards the gay community.

Even more shocking is the the LDS church fully supported Bryant and her claims as well as her movement. Bryant was supported by the Relief Society and the "Prophet" of the church when they brought her to Utah in the 1970's. I was just stunned that a church professing to follow Christ would invite such a person. It's really is no different than embracing a white supremacist when you think about it. I was shocked and saddened and relieved that I no longer participate in the so called "One True Church." The proof of the said alliance is below.

Now to answer the question at hand...
"Would you want to belong to a religion where you could change God's mind about something?"

YES!

It is at that point where it ceases to be a religion and becomes a relationship. This is the culmination of what all religion is, to have that close relationship with God. It would no longer be about faith because God is no longer a mysterious thing never seen but always prayed to. And it isn't a vain or prideful thing to want such a thing. Prophets throughout biblical history have wrestled with God to change God's mind. Unquestionably YES.

1. “Relief Society Leader Hails Anita Bryant's Homosexual Stand,” Salt Lake Tribune, June 11, 1977; “LDS Leader Hails Anti-Gay Stand,” Salt Lake Tribune, November 5, 1977; “Relief Society commends Anita,” Deseret News, June 11, 1977, B1; “Unnatural, without excuse,” Church News supplement of theDeseret News, July 9, 1977.

Gay Rights Now

2009-10-13T10:55:00.001-07:00

Where Can I Turn For Peace?

2009-10-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

As my gay and MoHo circle of acquaintances and friends increases, seemingly daily, I am growing more concerned by a commonality that seems to go with many of theses wonderful people, especially with those in the gay Mormon community. They seem to be fighting a war. One that is concealed from general view but to those who have been there the battle is easily seen. It is the fight for our selves and our identity after growing up in a world and faith that says we shouldn't exist and, being gay, certainly have no claims to heavenly salvation or the happiness and love to be found in this world.

While I don't necessarily know each of these individuals personally or nearly as well as I would like, I have come to see and learn the stories and struggles of some of these children of God. I have met the guy who is just realizing that Mormonism can not support him in being gay, or the one still trying to stay in the church and denounce his sexuality, or even the one married with a family. They are all here seeking solace from a brutal reality and bearing a bruised spirit - but where do they find it when the one place that claimed to offer it to them turns their backs to those in need. To where do they go to find peace with themselves?

I don't know what it is I can offer those that carry these burdens, and indeed they are. I learned and I know that they can not be carried alone and I nearly lost my fight trying to do so. I feel compelled to offer a hand of friendship to each one of my gay brothers and sisters willing to take it. And to give a chance of hope and opportunity to all when none existed for me. Be it an e-mail, text, phone call, conversation, or even a shoulder to cry on, I want to do my best to give hope where perhaps none existed. I'm not sure why I even feel so driven to say any of this - but I feel like I can help and so I shall whenever I can. My dear friends I reach out to you where ever you may be. There are a few ways to reach me via this blog and my associated facebook page. To those in the Seattle area I reach out further since I'm in the area. Please don't feel like you have to go through life alone. God does love and care for you and there are many in the world who love you and support you and many walking the journey alongside you.

My heart goes out to each and every one of you. You are all in my prayers where ever you may be and what ever circumstance you may be challenged with... have hope... You are not alone!

I'm trying to be like Jesus

2009-10-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

Having had a couple of interesting interactions with some MoHo friends today I feel impressed to "give some hope." I have further thoughts I will add in a multi blog event this evening I'll start with this divine kernel of truth. Those in the MoHo community who know it's source will be able to get something out of it - I hope. Too much to say being so late in the work day I know I won't get it all in before quitting time. To be continued...

I’m trying to be like Jesus;
I’m following in his ways.
I’m trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say.
At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,
But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers,

I’m trying to love my neighbor;
I’m learning to serve my friends.
I watch for the day of gladness when Jesus will come again.
I try to remember the lessons he taught.
Then the Holy Spirit enters into my thoughts, saying:

Chorus
“Love one another as Jesus loves you.
Try to show kindness in all that you do.
Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,
For these are the things Jesus taught.”

Words and music: Janice Kapp Perry, b. 1938

Gay and Kick Ball - Life Lessons from the play ground

2009-10-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

Had quite and interesting day yesterday. And as usual it ends with a gray cloud over my head and a few tears before going to bed. God how I hate it!

It's funny the people you meet who are members of the church and how they react when you tell them you're gay. The young lady giving me a hair cut became instantly uncomfortable. You know how how they like to chat you up and as you start talking about yourself you just start throwing things out there. Well I took the plunge after talking about going on a mission and being a musician to toss out that I was an inactive member and I was gay. Funny how the chatting ended right there. Fortunately she was done and was trying so hard to be professional at that point. I had a good laugh in my car the whole way home at this poor gal's expense. Members just don't know how to handle it.

So I ended up at a party after the weekend gig and a fellow homo's place. A couple of friends showed up and it was nice to not be in a room of people I knew from school but had practically no connection with. I learned last night the really being gay is like playground kickball. You know exactly where you stand in the "pecking order" of life as soon as teams start getting picked. You know the ritual - first we start with the jocks, the ones with obvious ability, then ones with a gorgeous body, then the ones with a pretty face, the ones that just are. And then the fight to get the lesser of the remaining evils ensues, the awkward ones, the goofy ones, the nerdy ones, and so on.

And I wonder why I never get off the wall to even be picked at all. I'm not ripped or gorgeous, but decently cute and working to take better care of myself. I'm not a pretty face but attractive and I certainly have more than just a vacuum inside my head. And yet I never even get a chance to get up to bat. The teams area already full and the game in the bedrooms has already begun.

And it feels like it did all those years ago in the playground - alone, with no one who cares to notice that I'm the only one standing there with no team to play on.

White Knot

2009-10-10T15:10:00.001-07:00

Come Home

2009-10-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

Soon eyes will be turning to the State of Washington as we have our own version of California's Prop. 8 debacle. While the opponents of preserving domestic partnership laws (which is what voting yes of Referendum 71 will do) take the stance this is about "preserving traditional marriage between a man and a woman," defeating this measure will nullify domestic partnership regardless of sexual orientation.

It is clear that the protect marriage camp is attempting to make this an anti gay issue. With support from many anti gay churches and organizations this may be but a first attempt to return to the 1970's and push gays back in to the closet and out of society. To those who still don't get it, gays are here to stay!

Professor Patrick M. Chapman, Ph.D. and author of "Thou Shalt Not Love: What Evangelicals Really Say to Gays"was guest speaker this month for Tacoma PFLAG. He discussed the origins of marriage in several cultures and how many other societies look at those of different sexual orientation or gender identity. It was interesting to note that the US is actually one of the furthest behind western civilization world superpowers when it comes to gay rights. He commented if a country like South Africa can have gay rights ahead of the US there is something terribly wrong with the country purported to have the most freedom. And what is it preventing equality yet again in this great country of ours? Yet again as it was for African Americans and many other minorities, it fear stirred up by religious conservatives.

Naturally the discussion at PFLAG went the discussion of how religion enters the picture as in many pacific island cultures those who we would label as gay are often put in to religious roles such as shaman and the like. We heard about Professor Chapman's experience in a nondenominational church that outed him in front of the entire church while he was in the company of friends and students and was not out publicly. Of course the church wanted to change, I mean "help" him. The discussion naturally led to Ref. 71. Apparently the opponents of domestic partnership have released a new commercial with copyrighted images from the LDS church. While I have not seen said commercial the comment was made that in all probability the Mormon church is quietly supporting the anti partnership platform.

To all of my gay brothers and sisters Mormon or not out there. Get off your hindquarters and register to vote. Allowing our rights to be taken away by the homophobic, the bigots, the misguided religious conservatives, or just the uninformed will allow the Anita Bryants of the 1970's to return to the 21st century to push us out of society.

Defend our freedom and vote that "all men are created equal and are given certain inalienable rights."

Vote for all to keep their homes and their families safe from those seeking to destroy the family unit just because it is not like theirs. Make your voice heard that the words of the constitution will never be erased or the words written at the base of the Statue of Liberty may forever beckon all to "come home."

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

A Prayer of Thanksgiving: "Have Hope"

2009-10-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

Just watched Harvey Milk last night. Yes I had a couple of tears at the end of that one too. I'm such a ball of raw emotions these days. But I needed to take a moment and just send thoughts of gratitude out for all of those in the "gay" world who have gone before us or are with us now trying to make the world a better place. Most especially to those that gave their lives or some how lost theirs in the struggle to find themselves in this very uncertain world. You are not forgotten.

For those like myself still trying to find their path or even just get their footing, or those that are uncertain about life or who they are and where they are going... hang on my dear friends. Together we can find our way. None of us is alone.

While many just use the web for a one way means of expression I am going to go out on a limb and offer to be supportive and say to you get in touch with me via my facebook attached to this blog if you need a friend, someone to talk to, and even a shoulder to cry on should we be within driving distance. We can share and should in each other's burdens and joys. As Harvey said "have hope" my friends, have hope.
~S~

Conference Talk continued. I am madder than H-E double hockey sticks

2009-10-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

I know. I'm such an apostate waiting as a wolf in sheep's clothing, I just can't leave the church alone can I. Well my previous post was a little premature. I spent much of Monday evening perusing the video of most of the sessions rather than sleeping. Admittedly, the more I watched after seeing the buzz on various people's blogs from this or that general authority the angrier I got. When I came across the link of the youtube clip of "Bring them from the plains" I just completely broke down and wept until about 1AM. I was so broken down I had to write my still TBM dad and tell him how upset I was.

So I had brewing in my head yesterday a couple of responses. Posting on youtube is so ridiculous with all of the TBM's patrolling every church clip and instantly reporting or voting down any response not favorable to the church. But I like to publicly stir the pot so I keep doing it.

Now to "speak ill of the Lord's 'annointed.'"

M. Russell Ballard started to get my blood boiling. And to use a prop (Hyrum Smiths BOM) from church vaults as if that some how validates the "truth" is nothing more than emotional blackmail. Produce some golden plates for academia to look at and then we'll talk. I hope some day I will get to meet Clark Johnsen and thank him for his courage in being out in the public with his thoughts on the church and being gay (and all the others out there for that matter). I will use his line yet again here, "Truth needs no buttress." A turned down page in the back of an old book owned by someone lawfully imprisoned and unfortunately shot for taking away the right to free speech does not in any way prove the truth of Mormonism one iota.

Elder Ballard in his chest beating conference talk suggested no one can leave the church with out dragging the BoM through the mud. Or as he said walking over it, around it, through it, etc. As if doing such a thing is only unique to Mormonism or somehow the persecution of this "poor abused church" like in civil war times still continues. That just proves the church is true he implies while waving around a first edition BoM.

Since the BoM and Joe Smith are the keystones to the church how is it in any way surprising that people who believe the church to be false will not either directly or indirectly attack the church? To think differently is a logical fallacy. This goes back to the upside down house of cards in one of my earlier postings. If all that is (ahem) "true" is built upon these two things of course they will be constantly attacked. Especially when there is sufficient evidence to if not disprove at least call in to serious question the validity of Mormonism's claims of the Nephites etc., the Pearl of Great Price, and numerous other questionable "prophesies."

But this is no different for Mormonism than it would be to walk on Mary Baker Eddy if you were a Scientologist, or Luther and the small catechism, or Judaism and the Torah. Suggesting that people only attack the Mormon church, it's founding leaders and doctrine is not only false but incredibly arrogant and ignorant.

Dallin H. Oaks - and his tip toeing around the "gay issue" while saying nothing more than than "those cohabitating outside of marriage" really got me going too. Just come out and say it. I guess they are afraid that it will make people gay or sinful if they use proper terminology. His talking about following ALL of God's laws made me laugh. Time to rescind mixed marriages, civil rights, and mixing fabrics (Leviticus) - uh oh would that mean you can wear the polyester garment top with the cotton bottoms? Hmmm. Well if it's God's law. Perhaps that part wasn't translated correctly either.

It's clear the general authorities of the church are fearing something. The only thing I can suggest is that they are indeed losing ground and probably membership. And as psychology tells us those that begin to lose control of those they wish to keep in control... the more adverse and desperate their plea to not upset the status quo increases. Conference was full of that, as well as making members more fearful of the world outside of the church. Keep those blinders on and you'll be happy.

I'll have to go on about the whole Elder Hafen garbage after I get a chance to really read it.

General Conference

2009-10-05T22:03:00.001-07:00

Another LDS General Conference. And yet again, the same things being said by the same people. So much for modern revelation.

Jeffery Holland beating his chest about how a page turned down in an old BOM proves the truth of the church.

Quentin Cook trying to bridge the gap of the Jewish community not so indirectly trying to get temple ordinances moving for Jews again after that major insensitive scandal in the church. Lots of obvious inference in to purity and chastity.

Yadda yadda.

It's also not often the president of the church reminds the membership to keep the GA's in their prayers "we're all in this together." Also, don't for get that as a member "to play your part well." Things must not be going well in the church these days. Such uneasiness in the leadership. Not a lot of tranquility to be found in any talks given. Very interesting.

Alone in the dark: Where is love?

2009-10-03T20:18:00.000-07:00

I think I'll take a hiatus from my usual Mormon bashing just to show that their are other things I can do. Even though further removing myself from the clutches the religion I was brought in to is therapeutic.

As is often the case I was doing some thinking last night about where things are going. Or where they are not is probably more accurate. Since coming out 6 months ago I have hoped that being honest with myself would make it easier to be real, approachable, and in general, faster to move on and find someone new to have a relationship with or at least explore with.

But yet It hasn't happened and I keep wondering why. My ex had entered, or rather fell, in to a new relationship before we even signed the divorce papers. Her answer to it was that although she "didn't want it," it was the wish of her heart. While we could debate the merits of whether or not she wanted it since it was a relationship entered in to before the last one ended there was something to where it was going from the beginning. And there she is - with almost everything she could want in a boy friend. Sure, it's not perfect but yet what is? Things between the two of them are so swimmingly they spend at least every other day together out doing something, and when they aren't physically together they are constantly texting, and on the phone, or skype, or this that and the other. I wonder if I should brace myself for them getting engaged now.

So as I lay in bed cuddling my pillow where a cute nice guy should be, with my arms wrapped around him, I shed silent tears mourning his absence. And I ask myself, "don't I deserve the wish of my heart too, or is that only reserved for heteros." Am I doomed to a life of loneliness now that I have found honesty with myself?

I find it amazing how passive aggressive the guys in this area are. It seems many find me mildly attractive, but in the end it only seems to come down to one thing, the shallowness of online intimacy. Practically none have the guts to pull the trigger to even go on a casual date. Too many guys seem to be more interested in whether or not I'm naked and horny at the time while on gay.com then they are meeting up and seeing if there is genuine human connection. I guess physicality comes cheaper than investing in a real relationship. So I wonder further, will I find anyone worth while in the Puget Sound area - the gay capitol of the NW, or am I just another piece of trash in the streets of heart brokenness.

It hurts to see everyone else in a place where they have someone, and as if I was back in the immaturity of high school, there I am on the side lines shouting to the rest of the players "I'm open, pick me!"

It's almost as if I'm being punished not only for finally coming out to myself, but then for retaining some degree of standards and integrity. While, sure I like sex as much as any guy, I'm not the sort to just go out and have one night stands until someone is interested enough in me to hang around. After my last failed sham of a relationship I want the romance and the connection. Sex is trite and meaningless with out it - an easy lesson learned from the last go around.

It is sad that so many cute guys also seem to have few standards. I can't stand how many guys smoke like chimneys. Aside from the fact its bad for you, my lungs just don't want anything to do with that. And then there are the alcoholics and drug users. Drinking "socially" and going out every other night and getting your booze on no longer makes you a social drinker. It makes you a regular and probably one with not much of a bank account. Trying alcohol never did anything for me so I have no interest in it whatsoever. While I don't hold it against anyone for getting an adult beverage every once in a while, if it makes you an ass after the first glass - sorry, not interested. Simply put drugs of any kind are an instant deal breaker - not interested! Mostly because it would open a Pandora's box that I would rather not acknowledge. That stuff will suck you in and never let go. I have enough problems in life already with out having addiction thrown in on top.

It's funny that I would even be saying this but really I need to find myself a guy that grew up with the same standards I did. I need myself a MoHo - or perhaps better yet an ExMoHo. Someone that knows where I've come from having been raised in the church, served a mission, even the mistake of marriage, has values, morals, and integrity - without too many word of wisdom hang ups (gay sex and intimacy is not part of the word of wisdom BTW). But I'm not interested in going back to the church - we all know where that ends for gay couples. However the qualities I'm looking for in a cute nice guy do fall in line with at least some of the standards of the church - strangely enough. And yet, I don't think it is a bad thing. It actually gives me some degree of standards.

So the question is... am I peeing yet again in to an arctic wind or do I have a chance finding such a guy without moving to a hornets nest like Utah? Is there anyone out there for me, or will I be cursed to a relationship with my pillow where surely there must be a guy in the world that could use my love more than a pillow needs my tears. Being alone in the dark at night makes me ponder and dream and lament, where is my love?

Smoke and Mirrors: The house of cards

2009-10-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

Already I find myself making lot of new friends via this humble little corner of the blog-o-sphere. It is amazing how like mindedness ends up pulling complete strangers together. I'm nearly in the last third of my book by Martha Beck, Leaving the Saints. I had not realized until last night that she was a daughter of Hugh Nibley the legendary defender of Mormon theological virtue, I mean 'truthfulness.'

I was thinking last night what the adoring LDS fans would think of Hugh if they knew that most of his "scholarly work" defending the structures of mormonism were a complete and udder fake. Nearly all of the annotations and footnotes were mostly made up by a nutty, yet in a brilliant sort of way man. Perhaps he was trying to repent of the sexual abuse inflicted on his children by running to the church's defense when the Egyptian Paparyi were rediscovered - the so called "Book of Abraham." The book of Joseph Smith making it up yet again.

When the truth about the scrolls came to light, that they were nothing more than Egyptian burrial rites, and not another revelation from God to Joe BlowSmith about Abraham, the church must have spent millions trying to squelch a "non faith promoting fact." Like Clark Johnsen, our own stripping warrior says, "truth needs no buttress.'' I just love that saying. Clark is a genius with this kernel of truth! The fact that Joe Smith's story telling, I mean "translation" didn't even come close to the real thing is proof enough to the forgery known as Mormonism. You don't need non existent gold plates to realize that not only did he not have an ability to translate, divinely or otherwise, the plates never existed beyond JS own mind.

And what of the testimonies of the other witness you ask? They are just as forced and falsified as many of those who get up in fast and testimony meeting every month. I know mine was and I am always part of the average majority. Being an exception to the rule is indeed nice every now and then.

So it got me to thinking about how the church came about. Really it did start just like a cult. But now it is a really large one. One that has been around just long enough to have some degree of religious plausibility and credibility.

I'm a firm believer that JS had some mental issues, especially by today's standards of mental health. Yes, he was dripping with woo abilities and charisma - the only reason the church got going to begin with - but as many brilliant people are regardless of their education, he was nuts.

No prophet since the dawn of creation has seen God in person - because as we learn in the bible the radiance of God would destroy all unclean things. Of course JS was also unbaptized by "proper priesthood" rite and past the Mormon coveted "age of accountability." He was, as we all are, a sinner. That right there would negate him ever seeing God let alone a resurrected Christ with God. And I don't care who you are or where you come from but to put yourself above a prophet as great as Moses who only saw a fragment of God's radiance in the form of a burning bush? And as a boy in back water NY county who would find plates of gold that never existed? The whole thing is as crazy as Hugh Nibley's life long defense of it.

Really there is one miracle going on with in the walls of Mormonism that just can't be explained other than the miracle of modern medicine. The age of the breatheren that run this wizard of oz show. And yes there is a man behind the curtain - and there is with each new president of the church. And those that follow it are as silly as Dorothy, the tin man, the scarecrow, and the lion for thinking the wizard was so great and powerful. But even the most intelligent on the earth can be deceived. However, even Dorothy in her simple and inquisitive way had the courage to look behind the curtain, and the truth was revealed to her. Most in the midst of Mormon culture and resulting mental control won't even approach that veil to see what is really behind it.

As I realized last night Mormonism is an upside down house of cards. It doesn't matter if the first card is the Book of Mormon or it's author Joe Smith since it is the same starting place. But it is no wonder why a faith must have the staff and legal counsel as LDS Inc. does. With out such devoted people to be constantly putting out fires and hiding the truth and history in the church vaults up in Witch Mountain, the "faith" would have ended the moment the bullet hit Smith. Joseph was smart to have such loyal lineage to follow in his footsteps. But just as soon as something comes to weaken that first card the bloodhounds are on it to hush it up faster than you can say pestilence.

But try as one might to kick out that first card, there are, unfortunately, too many people to hold the rest of the upside down house of cards from the top. Too many who have much at stake to let even a false church collapse. The mass suicides that would happen if the church crumbled to the ground would indeed make the heavens weep. I don't think that God, assuming God does indeed exist, would let that happen, even to a large cult such as Mormonism. How said it is that the mind control keeps you in ignorant bliss - and all of that control, I mean obedience, from the simplest tool of the devil... fear.

Those who are fascinated with the "plan of salvation" will recall that only Satan wanted their to be no choice in finding God and happiness. Blind obedience is casting aside, free agency. How that must delight Lucifer to not have to force people to give up their ability to choose, but to have them give it and everything else they are or possess freely and gladly in belief it is the will of an angry God. But it is not to God they give things, but all of their time talents etc, to "The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints for building the kingdom.." Not to God but a church run by men.

I am no longer afraid. I am not afraid of myself. I am not afraid of the church that took all that I thought I was but wasn't. And best of all I'm not afraid of my God and creator. When we are not afraid of it truth can be revealed.

Selective Truth: Is Censorship A Coverup?

2009-09-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

Just happen to come across the link where a BYU art student had their exhibit removed from showing because it talked about the "gay issue." The exhibit, part of a show, had been quietly rearranged so that this students work could be secretively removed.

The Artist said the following:

"Apparently the topic of homosexuality is a bit much for the BYU audience and my part of our Fine Art Classes show was taken down today. It seems that censorship is favored over support and love. This really saddens me. I found out because a friend of mine went to the show and said that my peices had been removed and the show had been rearranged.

I photographed all the portraits using similar lighting and cropping. I also used a tilt shift lens to achieve selective focus, so that the subjects eyes are the only part of the image in focus. This was purposefully done to force the viewer to look in the eyes of these individuals. I hope that through this project we can realize that all men (and women) are created equal in the eyes of God."

Go to the "lord's university" and be censored by anyone who disagrees or thinks you are bringing in the devious thoughts and presuasions of the devil. So much for an unbiased education. Who am I kidding... since when was the LDS church unbiased.

My Transformation To The Dark Side Is Complete

2009-09-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

So very Star Wars of me. On a whim I went by Barnes & Noble yesterday hoping to find some sort of meaningful books looking at the whole gay Mormon thing. While discouraged that I will have to follow through with the joys of getting what I want online and waiting impatiently for it to arrive, I was able to pick up a couple other gems that were just screaming at me from the shelf.

I picked up The Mormon Cult - Jack B. Worthy and also Leaving the Saints - Martha Beck. I guess you could say I'm reading in soft cover form instead of just online, true "anti" literature - gasp. Of course if you don't believe all of the religious horse pucky known as Mormonism does that still make it anti? I always find it funny that anything not written by a member or general authority that defends the purity and truthfulness of the LDS church is instantly tossed in to the "anti" bin and is surely Satan trying to steal away souls from the one and only true church. Sorry Catholics, Mormons use that phrase with so much more conviction and righteous indignation.

At any rate Jack Worthy's mission story was a nice quick read and I'm in to the 4th chapter of Martha Beck's rather thick book. Strange how invigorating reading other's journeys away from the [one true church to rule them all] can be. Perhaps I should write a book too.

Still to be read... No More Goodbyes - Carol Lynn Pearson, among many other good "anti" books sure to confine me to the hottest pits of hell - as if being gay wasn't the express there already.

Legislating Morality

2009-09-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've been reading lots of MoHo blogs lately and there appears to be growing frustration of the religious interference in blocking gay marriage. The arguments within the Mormon community are of course predictably the same on all fronts. I won't go in to my litany of the tendency of good members of the church to not think for themselves, as if revelation is based on nothing but the trickle down theory from the 1st presidency of the church. For some, as soon as a general authority opens their mouth, regardless of timing or circumstances, it is instantly considered "revelation from God" and that "the thinking has been done." What dictatorial nonsense. What is the point in having the Spirit if the general authorities are the only ones entitled to commune with the Almighty or do any thinking what so ever.

Now to the point. I grow increasingly concerned that the chasm of the gay crowd and the Mormon family fundamentalists is ever increasing. The resistance coming from members and leaders alike to even enter in to a discussion is indeed troubling. Not only is the refusal to talk increasing but so too is the rhetoric and condoning hate speech from leaders of the church. Members can't even shut off their preprogrammed answers for one second to even stop to think for themselves let alone search, ponder, and pray in an unbiased manner. Past prophets have warned that the failure of the church will come from the pride of the members. Perhaps Mormonism is doomed to failure after all. What a surprise.

There is a reason separation of church and state was created in this great country of ours. To keep it from becoming a theocracy where those who are not of like minded religious views to discriminate against the other. But that appears to be exactly what those of the LDS church aim to do. The constitution does not entitle you to force your religious beliefs on those around you to believe or live a lifestyle that only you sanction as deemed appropriate by God. It is even less appropriate to wrestle the government in to legislating such blatant discrimination by qualifying the 'wrongness' of gay marriage as being socially destructive. My desire to marry someone of the same gender will no more interfere with your life than your heterosexual marriage will interfere with mine. Yet somehow you believe you are more entitled to control my life than I am yours. All of the sinless, religious heterosexuals in perfect relationships can cast the first stone against same gender relationships when they prove their perfection of the "ordained family unit."

I get so tired of the one minded view perpetuated by Mormonism that God only works in one way and that is the way spoken of by church headquarters in Salt Lake. This is contrary to much of Mormon doctrine and the Gospel of Christ in total. To say the the LDS church isn't "anti gay, but pro family" is a double standard and bigoted statement. Everyone knows where the church stands on the gay issue. Stop hiding behind the "Proclamation on the Family" and enter the fray. Test the tenants of the church for once. "Truth needs no buttress!" According to Mormon theology a "family" starts with a husband and wife. What about single parents, adopted parents, those living in mixed marriages or families? All statistics I've seen suggest a gay couple is often many times happier and more successful that a "traditional" couple, including where raising children is concerned.

Be it as it all may what gets my goat is the need to for church members to take a self righteous stance saying that gay marriage will take away their rights for traditional families, it will erode society, gay people can't be trusted...etc. ad nauseum. Would one such person send me proof of such statements that gay marriage will in any way interfere other than it will challenge your faith? If the church just can't doctrinally ever accept gay people on any level than fine, there are other faiths that will. That does not however permit this church or any other from allowing me to exercise my belief that God made me the way I am and that I am equally entitled to find personal happiness in this life as well. It also does not permit you to force your doctrine in to the constitution of our country to prevent me from finding happiness or worshiping "how, where, or what I may." You may all now get from behind your barricade of attempting to legislate "God's social moral order" and just come out saying that you are afraid of gay people. Let's start with honesty first and go from there.

Since when did those who were once persecuted think it was ok to begin doing the persecuting?

LDS funding towards Prop. 8

2009-09-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

As they say the proof is in the pudding.

http://isocrat.org/blog/?p=418

Fanning The Flames With Fear And Misunderstanding

2009-09-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

The church and pointing the finger of who is to blame angers me. The gay community by and large is not trying to force any religion in to anything it cannot uphold. Is it the LDS church's goal to over throw same sex marriages in countries it already proselytizes in? How hypocritical for them to mandate that it is acceptable to overthrow any sort of same sex union just because it aligns with their religious view point, while having the audacity to state that those seeking same sex marriages are trying to reduce or limit the rights of heterosexual marriage. Complete and utter bull s**t. And if that's not enough to go so far as to suggest that it will erode liberty if gay marriage is permitted. Is the LDS church going to stage revolutions in each country it wants to control marital equality in? Elder Nelson I'm calling you on the carpet for trying to exercise unrighteous dominion. May separation of church and state be forever rooted in our government.

In Elder Russell M. Nelson recent address The Family: The Hope for the Future of Nations he states

Furthermore, those who seek to undermine traditional marriage and family would effectively limit the rights of those who do uphold the sanctity of these institutions. This consequence leads to another major concern— the eventual erosion of religious liberty, including the liberty to defend, promote, and practice traditional family values.(7)

7. In countries where same-gender marriage is adopted with no religious exemptions, all religions could eventually be required to perform gay marriages or to accept gay priests—even when that violates their most basic doctrines.

Being Alone Sucks

2009-09-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

It's strange being in that limbo of between a relationship and what ever is next. It's awkward, upsetting, lonely, and just plain sucks. I never thought of myself as a dependent person, but I have learned I need someone to share life with. The ups, the downs, and all the in between.

I was laying in bed just thinking about what the future may hold. Whoever that lucky guy is, I already love you wherever you are. I think about you often and wish you were more than a figment of my imagination and desire. I ache to hold you in my arms and share life with you. While I have yet to meet you I hope you are out there somewhere and won't remain hidden for long. We've both spent too much of life waiting. I can only expect that when we finally meet that we will know in an instant that is was meant to be. May that day come soon.

Choice or Innate

2009-09-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

In the ongoing saga of my sexuality and how those around me accept or reject such a thing I have to put out there the notion of an active choice being made, or what is intrinsically innate to the human condition. With the Mormon contingency of my family there is some level of disagreement on whether being gay is a choice or a characteristic that is not chosen.

While my convert dad doesn't necessarily agree with the lifestyle, despite being a psychiatric practitioner, he is able to be accepting and loving of me as the son I always will be. To the point of being able to "welcome a friend" of mine into his home. My dear sweet sister is a little less open at this point.

While she was not surprised when I came out to her the message of acceptance of my homosexuality was clearly not favorable. It went even to the point of expected behavior should I ever decide to visit them (not any time soon), that I would not try to convince her children that being gay is ok... as if I were some sort of deviant. It always hurts when a family member you come out to treats you as a foreigner once you share your secret. Sad how the cloak of Mormonism and doing unto others only seems to apply when you are straight. As soon as the wild card of gayness gets played all bets are off.

Really it does come down to being true followers of Christ and being able to love unconditionally. Good Mormons often come from the "hate the sin, love the sinner camp." But of course such action is conditional love. We as human beings aren't able to compartmentalize the actions or choices of the ones we love from their identity. This is where so many LDS people fall short of their discipleship. As long as the status quo is appeased then there is no issue. I hope in at least my situation the some time and thought will bring other family members around. To at least realize that I'm still the same person. Being gay does not make me a criminal, pedophile, promiscuous, or just plain distrustful. Neither does it mean I intend to recruit your children in to being gay. No, it's not a communicable disease.

I only hope others will give pause to ponder the true example of love and fellowship Christ gave.

Spirit of truth

2009-09-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

http://wy-wy.blogspot.com/2009/09/still-small-voice.html

2009-09-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

http://wy-wy.blogspot.com/2009/09/straight-spouses-advocate-same-sex.html

Courting the Muse

2009-09-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

After a several year dry spell it's nice to be back to work being thoroughly creative and artistic. I've just started a new project with some friends... shhh it's a secret. Lets just say it is a musical of unique design. We're in the creation process and of course yours truly is the composer. It's strange really doing this sort of work again after being away so long - but it is also very rewarding writing original stuff. I was always fulfilled working on a show, or should I say reworking. Since this is my first foray in a complete original score to succeed, or at least get off the ground, I must admit I'm a little nervous.

For many years I've been working in a sacred choral mode and most of my official output was in choir/organ works. When creation grinded to a halt with little outlet to use those works the desire to write anything went with it. Musical creativity was limited to improvised music on Sunday at the "informal service" where I would essentially create all music not sung on the fly. While that is all well and good my desire for more musical structure wasn't being met. So this opportunity to create a powerful show and use all of my composer/orchestrator skills is one I can't turn up - especially with the subject matter of the show. Sorry I can't tell yet...

What is so interesting is how the muse and the way it works is different then before. It's like a new relationship. Before everything was very linear, through composed, start at the beginning and work until the end. Now inspiration is coming at the most strange of times and not necessarily at what I would consider the beginning of a song. It's little bit of a dance and challenge coming up with the score, but then realizing that I've just created a nice chorus or hook, and not the beginning verse. Most unusual for me. But so it goes - with several numbers in creative production and at the same time too.

Any good musical theater actors/ musicians want a gig? This one is going to be demanding in all musical and theatrical senses.

Musical theater at its finest

2009-09-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

Everyone should do a show like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmwM_AKeMCk&feature=channel_page

Get your true name here

2009-09-06T21:52:00.000-07:00

http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/mormon/

What follows the storm

2009-09-06T21:27:00.000-07:00

I was just making dinner and was watching the weather outside. It's been a stormy day here in the Seattle area with lots of the ubiquitous rain as well as the not so usual thundering and lightning. As the storm was moving on I realized how alive everything seemed after such an abundant rainfall. There is also something about the light of the sun as the clouds begin to part. The grass was such an effervescent green. Even the poorly neglected roses seemed more vibrant and sure of themselves.

It had me pondering about my own storms just a little bit. With out the stormy weather there can be no growth. Without the nourishment of the rains there can be no rejuvenation of life. Even the cleansing of the air with the ionization brought by the lightning. Without a little stormy precipitation there would be nothing but desolate dryness.

I quickly started associating this little analogy to my own storms of the last 8 months. I keep asking, "God, why is this so difficult? Why are things going this way?" And today the answer became clear. You are being nourished for further growth... After the rains the sun will come out and you will flourish, just as you were created to do.

~S~