A late mother's day surprise

A special and rare musical tribute

When its your time

We never know how long we will have on the planet before our gig is up. With frightening regularity I find myself having to explain my anxiety about partnering up and settling down. Desiring a partner "at my age" is apparently the anti-sterotype in the gay world.  I've alluded on some small level as to why that is here but I'm not sure that I've really come out and explained it.  Aside from my still reoccurring dreams that plague me on a regular basis I was talking about this to a guy on A4A today.  We were lamenting our inability to find guys interested in more than just coffee on a first meeting.  I mentioned that I doubt love will ever be in the cards for me and like most nice guys he said "oh but of course you'll find someone, your attractive, intellectual and can hold a conversation unlike 85% of the gay populous.. more importantly you want to share your life with someone."  But he was curious where my angst came from and I shared with him the rest.

Not many have the ability to look in to a crystal ball and see what may be.  This isn't something I've ever publicly shared but I am one of the unfortunate few that can.  It is one of the weightier spiritual gifts I've carried with me and until now kept rather quiet about it only a couple people know and they have told me I am according to biblical parlance a "prophet" just as others have gifts of speaking or interpreting in tongues.  Now I don't use an actual crystal ball but I do see things as snapshots, markers in time based upon certain outcomes.  I often see things as a big picture first followed by the smaller events that must first occur in order to get to the big picture.  Certainly it is something that could be abused if used unwisely but more often than not it scares the shit out of me. 

Its rare when I have the ability to see anything for myself personally.  It may be a good thing actually.  But the one event I keep trying to avoid is my own inevitable mortality.  Now I don't really fear death. I have faced and foreseen the death of a loved one.  I have even looked death squarely in the eyes while battling suicidal desires. Its the one thing I want to be able to change or alter in some fashion.  Its also the one thing I can't get a clear vision on.  Its always surrounded by a sort of digital snow where only a few frames of a scene pop in and out.  But what little I can gather gives me great anxiety about my future.  In some respects its like what happens in the Spielberg series Taken about the aliens and their interaction with humans.  You see all your memories and all your fears in addition to all your future faults in such a way that you realize your whole life is really nothing but a mine field and there is no safe route.  Just as Harvey Milk had the innate sense he wouldn't make it to 50, I have strong reservations that I will make it to 45.  With what little I have to go on I also get the sense it will be incredibly lonely.  Time and time again I get the impression I will never get to know genuine, intimate, reciprocal love in its truest form with a partner before I depart this earthly sphere.  I don't believe I will find anyone willing to be in a relationship.  As I have done in other situations I knew the outcome could be changed, I keep hoping that what I see for myself can be changed.  But so far nothing has.  It would seem I have no power to alter my own destiny in this regard.  It frustrates, angers, and depresses me that everything for me will in fact be in vain if things stay on course.

My anxiety in trying to find any chance at love is in hope that maybe what I see as my future can in fact be changed if not by myself perhaps by someone not originally in the initial equation.  It gives me a great deal of motivation.  Who truly wants to lead a lonely life however long it may be?  Not I!

Monday Sigh

*Sigh*

Forward looking, or forever cursed

So what do you do when you don't know what to do anymore? I have found myself doing lots of thinking about my personal life lately and seeing where others find themselves going, most with great success, while I'm stuck on the sidelines.  I've tried more dating sites than I care to admit.  I've had a casual fling here and there.  Even met guys through mutual friends or through various activies and organizations and chance meetings.  The problem isn't me not liking them, but them not really being interested in me.  Am I really that hideous and such a loser that everyone is just way too polite to say so?  Maybe I have consistently bad luck in picking unavailable men that I'm not "supposed" to be attracted to.  So far the majority of my hopefuls have fit in to the category of nice masculine guys that think they want big, burly, yet submissive (aka bottom) and hairy/bear type guys.  Hair is one thing I do have, and a number of other admirable physical qualities, but I will never be any of the rest that seems to be what the guys I find myself attracted to want.  Oh what to do...

I've also noticed through the course of my being out that it seems these days one can't even go on a legit date anymore.  Now you have to do all of this preliminary "hanging out" before you can go on an official date preceded by lots of online chating, IMing, texting... and only after one has decided they might be attracted to you will you get to make an "official date," provided preceding hanging out has already taken place. It seems a lot of guys these days are just this way.  And when you do meet up, you start finding out that who they are really attracted to is a far cry from who you are. Then you learn their prequalifications for "the right guy" and when you think that this person they are describing fits you to the letter you start to realize that truly nice guys never win. Fellas, and you can't figure out why y'all are still single?  Hello...who can compete with standards and situations like that?  It's almost insulting to any human being to live up to a fictitious person, and run every possible piece of dating material through an unending gauntlet of intention-less activities.

Some might accuse me of just wanting to rush in to it , but let's face it, if you really are interested in me and not just being buddies/friends you will be interested in some degree of physical contact or affirmation of mutual interest.  I'm not asking for all out make out sessions with in the first several encounters, but a gentle touch on the back, or a hand on the knee or arm, or a brief holding of a hand for a moment signifies interest.  If you don't reciprocate with a small amount of "touchy feely-ness" or even eye contact how is one to ever know if you are interested?  For god's sake if you really are looking for a relationship don't be so shy as to never take a risk even with a casual touch.

I really don't know why I subject myself to the constant defeat of all this anymore.  Every month and year that goes by it just becomes more painfully clear to me that no-one gives a shit about me as someone worthy of having a relationship with.  Too many like to offer their back handed support of "just hang in there" or "You're a cute nice guy who'll meet someone soon" and other such BS as if it is supposed to make me feel better.  I'm tired of getting kicked in the mud.  And I often wonder if I would have been better off meeting with that on coming train I was spared from 2 years ago.  Maybe God does make mistakes.

GleeK

Ok, I admit it... I like the show.  The Glee world is a buzz over finally getting what they wanted, Kurt and Blaine to kiss.  Isn't it what we all want for those of us true to our identities... to get our true love.  While musically the soul is worked out of the show with the extensive over production even though I think several of the cast have the chops to pull off a song with out the auto tune.  Darren Criss (Blaine) who I was aware of long before glee via youtube and the "A Very Potter Musical" and other Starkid shows certainly doesn't need technology to sound good.  Really its kind of remarkable since I saw those youtube shows around the time I came out.  To see Criss in a rather gay show, while he isn't himself, is kind of a unique full circle moment for me.

In any case the show does have something to say and it's all on the surface.  No reading between lines... Really we're all losers trying to find our way and a place where we fit in and maybe finding love along the way.  Why not do it with a song or two.  It will be interesting to see where it goes, probably nothing unpredictable.  But my heart does go pitter pat when I get to see cute gay love.  And I ask, when is my turn?

Another Lonely B-day

Lonely Birthday

In sitting alone

With a tear strolling down my face

And i think to myself

Why me?

There's no one to talk to

And no one to cry to

Why one of the days i should be happiest

My birthday

I sit in despair

Waiting for someone to rescue me

From all this pain i hide beneath

But no more can i pretend

That life isn't hurting me

No one to trust

And I'm never good enough

A tad bit of my creative side

I'm always a little reluctant to share my creative side but I found this little gem waiting further attention. Here we have a poem I wrote a little over 2 months after coming out to my ex... 21 days later was my 2nd major suicide attempt. They were very dark days indeed. At the time I immediately began setting the text to music SATB + Piano. It got dark enough where I had to walk away from finishing the piece. But I'm considering picking it up again after all this time.

The Tree
SMH 5/8/09

The frozen earth in stillness lies,
Dark and wint'ry in the night
A fruitless tree stands amidst the snow
While pale moon beams send their light.

There was a time in Springs gone by
The tree did abundantly share.
Now frost and cold reign for a season
Once laden branches are now desolate and bare.

A master gardener once pruned the tree,
And it became more choice above all others.
Where some had withered, died, or wild they became,
Not this tree, its fruit was the most desired of its brothers.

Yet time labored on
And no gardener came.
To tend to this noble tree
That it might still produce the same.

Summer’s light to Autumn’s falling leaves,
And not once to the tree did one tend.
Its toils and its troubles
Requiring the touch of a master to mend.

A season of neglect and decay
Quickly make a tree grow wild
Much work it will take from a master’s hand
To once again bring forth fruit undefiled.

Winter’s grasp will thaw into spring
Ending existence in bitter cold and strife.
The warmth returns as does the gardener
Bringing with it a chance for new life.