Affairs of the Heart

Doing some more thinking lately.   I know, I do that a lot.  I had started off in a particular direction with this one that just wasn't going where it needed to go.  So I've decided to let this one get a little more personal than perhaps what I would normally post on this blog.  Often times I would put the more generic ideas here and the specific thoughts of my personal life on my other blog.  But this is a subject I think that is germane to everyone regardless of where they are on their journey.

It's a strange thing - love.  It is, perhaps, the one thing that we all need and desire as part of our survival and expression as emotionally inspired and driven human beings.  Sometimes we want it where there is none to be found.  And sometimes we find it where we least expect to find it.  But when we do it nurtures and strengthens us - it draws us closer to our friends and loved ones and may cultivate and renew a romantic relationship.

Without it we are but empty shells, only a fraction of what we are created to be.  We see those unable to express or share love shrinking in their humanity, becoming angry and bitter reminders of what happens in a loveless life.  We need to give love as much as we receive it.

I have found myself talking to a dear friend about affairs of the heart rather frequently as of late.  A friend to whom I find myself giving my heart to as our interactions continue.  This happens to be the same individual I have been seeing for a few months now as life permits.  While I thought it was safe to put all of those hopes and feelings and desires for a relationship on hold, our recent times chatting to each other just reinforces what my heart secretly desires.  I can't seem to let go of this sweet guy my head tells me I need to move beyond.  But he hasn't pushed me away so perhaps my head is wrong in this case.

While I could wax poetic about my feelings for this person while plucking rose petals it isn't yet the time to be professing "how do I love thee, let me count the ways."  The words and the sincerity behind them are not yet ready to be received.  As in many affairs of the heart he too has been burned by love in the past.  Enough, perhaps, to make it a very difficult road to be able to get to a point of trust and vulnerability to take those massive walls down we often put up to protect ourselves.  He is unsure he will ever be able to trust and be open to sharing love.

It's a tragic affair of the heart when love is betrayed.  So it was for my dear friend.  It was several years ago when he was in a relationship where all of the words, thoughts, and actions professed a mutual love.  It seemed they were indeed both in love and perhaps were hoping or planning to build a life together.  The relationship had blossomed.  Yet, that was all about to change when the suicide of a close friend of his boyfriend interrupted a time of bliss.  His boyfriend at the time was unable to hold on to the love they had for each other and draw strength and closeness during a time of personal grief and loss.

When I asked, "well, did he say anything to you when it ended?"  Apparently after the tragedy this poor guy who lost a friend in one of the worst ways imaginable just got up and walked away entirely from their loving relationship with no explanation at all.  The sad thing being this young man forgot to give back the heart of the one he once loved.  It would seem that all of the relationships that followed for my dear sweet friend would not fair well.  His heart was not in it.

As we were talking about all of this I couldn't help by gently cry for him.  Certainly for what he went through and continues to put himself through after all the years.  Even more for how it prevents us from exploring anything between us.  I was indeed grateful beyond words that he would open up to me so much.  It wasn't anything he was willing to do before now.  After so much hurt trust is a difficult thing.  But I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms and hold him and cry together and say it will be ok. 

I find myself in the strange and unique position of really not knowing what to do.  It would be easy to rationalize everything and convince myself nothing will ever happen and find some way to move on.  But for reasons I can't explain, my heart has settled on this sweet guy.  I want to be with him and help him during his struggles and be there to cheer him on and celebrate in those small victories of overcoming depression and finding that new life.  Sure I fear that when he does reach the light at the end of the tunnel that he may want nothing to with me and will find someone else. but that is a risk I am willing to take.  On the other hand it could be the beginning of a beautiful life long relationship.  I really don't know what to do, but I know my heart will not be satisfied with out giving it a try, and try I must.

George Gershwin's "Someone to Watch Over Me" seems profoundly appropriate right now.

There's a saying old says that love is blind
Still were often told, seek and ye shall find
So I'm going to seek a certain lad Ive had in mind
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet

Hes the big affair I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret
Id like to add his initial to my monogram
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could always be good
Someone who'll watch over me

Although he may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me