Farwell Old Studio : Out with the old and in with the new

 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsC3kOUOgrQ

So my studio upgrade is for the most part complete.  The only things missing are a new FireWire audio interface and a decent studio mic compliment.  While the old keyboard gear will still be used as an interface for the East West libraries it's function will be limited to only a MIDI trigger function (for as long as it still operates). It's nice having programs that are current and up to date.  Adios 20 year old sequencer.  Hello Logic Pro. So long old friends... we had some good times in the last 12 years.  Here's to the next 12 years.

SIFF

Ugh, I'm so mad.  8: The Mormon Proposition was at SIFF and I didn't even know about it. I guess its time to by the DVD.

A new frontier: Rediscovering passion

In this whole new journey of self discovery, or better put, self rediscovery I'm finding my talents again.  It's not often where I think spending large sums of money can equate to any sort of happiness but I've found the exception to the usual rule that you cannot buy happiness.

It's been a strange blessing of sorts getting the new computer.  It started as just a need because the old one was dying and something would have to be done to save the work on it before it gave out altogether.  I usually sell myself short and not get top of the line stuff, but this time it was different.  I wanted something I could grow into on some level which meant I couldn't be cheap this time around.  I sought out what it would take to do the things I want on it and found what would meet those needs.  Actually I thought it was a very mature choice, despite the cost.

With that newness comes all new software to learn and a simple yet exciting opportunity to rediscover. I now have a machine that can keep up with my creative abilities.  Something my last computer did minimally and with great frustration.  It is so easy now to record a musical idea, or assemble a video and put it on youtube.  How awesome it is to be creative!

Seattle Pride 2010 Edition

On Trial :Prop 8

It has been a while.  I haven't had much impulse to write anything lately.  I guess since life often possess te same cycles unless something new alters those cycles I have had little reason to comment on things I have already written about.

However something new has entered in to the picture and has given pause for a new thought.  Having recently served jury duty I've found myself somewhat intrigued by the legal process.  Just today I found myself reading all 164 pages of the closing statements made at the prop.8 trial.  I wish those proceedings had been permitted to be aired but it was perhaps to spare those who desire to legislate discrimination some embarrassment.

I'm encouraged by how strong the case is by those in favor of same sex marriage.  The evidence is clear as was the testimony given. The opposition, claiming to be the majority and will of the people of California, unable to produce the any sort of majority of those willing to testify in their defense.

While I'm no lawyer, the case is incontrovertibly clear as is what would be a just decision.  It is frightening to me that fear and irrationality often present in conservatives who resist addressing "the gay issue" is permitted such public heed.  It would be well with the gay community to continue building its allies and friends based in facts and truth and not in superstition and religious controversies.  While I quietly pray for a win for same gender marriage, the battle for equality of the LGBTQ community is only beginning.  This is but the beginning and it is a war of sorts.  But why should we expect it to be anything less as it was a war that gave our country independence, and to some extent, a war that triggered equal rights.  May we be willing to fight for our rights together.

Affairs of the Heart

Doing some more thinking lately.   I know, I do that a lot.  I had started off in a particular direction with this one that just wasn't going where it needed to go.  So I've decided to let this one get a little more personal than perhaps what I would normally post on this blog.  Often times I would put the more generic ideas here and the specific thoughts of my personal life on my other blog.  But this is a subject I think that is germane to everyone regardless of where they are on their journey.

It's a strange thing - love.  It is, perhaps, the one thing that we all need and desire as part of our survival and expression as emotionally inspired and driven human beings.  Sometimes we want it where there is none to be found.  And sometimes we find it where we least expect to find it.  But when we do it nurtures and strengthens us - it draws us closer to our friends and loved ones and may cultivate and renew a romantic relationship.

Without it we are but empty shells, only a fraction of what we are created to be.  We see those unable to express or share love shrinking in their humanity, becoming angry and bitter reminders of what happens in a loveless life.  We need to give love as much as we receive it.

I have found myself talking to a dear friend about affairs of the heart rather frequently as of late.  A friend to whom I find myself giving my heart to as our interactions continue.  This happens to be the same individual I have been seeing for a few months now as life permits.  While I thought it was safe to put all of those hopes and feelings and desires for a relationship on hold, our recent times chatting to each other just reinforces what my heart secretly desires.  I can't seem to let go of this sweet guy my head tells me I need to move beyond.  But he hasn't pushed me away so perhaps my head is wrong in this case.

While I could wax poetic about my feelings for this person while plucking rose petals it isn't yet the time to be professing "how do I love thee, let me count the ways."  The words and the sincerity behind them are not yet ready to be received.  As in many affairs of the heart he too has been burned by love in the past.  Enough, perhaps, to make it a very difficult road to be able to get to a point of trust and vulnerability to take those massive walls down we often put up to protect ourselves.  He is unsure he will ever be able to trust and be open to sharing love.

It's a tragic affair of the heart when love is betrayed.  So it was for my dear friend.  It was several years ago when he was in a relationship where all of the words, thoughts, and actions professed a mutual love.  It seemed they were indeed both in love and perhaps were hoping or planning to build a life together.  The relationship had blossomed.  Yet, that was all about to change when the suicide of a close friend of his boyfriend interrupted a time of bliss.  His boyfriend at the time was unable to hold on to the love they had for each other and draw strength and closeness during a time of personal grief and loss.

When I asked, "well, did he say anything to you when it ended?"  Apparently after the tragedy this poor guy who lost a friend in one of the worst ways imaginable just got up and walked away entirely from their loving relationship with no explanation at all.  The sad thing being this young man forgot to give back the heart of the one he once loved.  It would seem that all of the relationships that followed for my dear sweet friend would not fair well.  His heart was not in it.

As we were talking about all of this I couldn't help by gently cry for him.  Certainly for what he went through and continues to put himself through after all the years.  Even more for how it prevents us from exploring anything between us.  I was indeed grateful beyond words that he would open up to me so much.  It wasn't anything he was willing to do before now.  After so much hurt trust is a difficult thing.  But I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms and hold him and cry together and say it will be ok. 

I find myself in the strange and unique position of really not knowing what to do.  It would be easy to rationalize everything and convince myself nothing will ever happen and find some way to move on.  But for reasons I can't explain, my heart has settled on this sweet guy.  I want to be with him and help him during his struggles and be there to cheer him on and celebrate in those small victories of overcoming depression and finding that new life.  Sure I fear that when he does reach the light at the end of the tunnel that he may want nothing to with me and will find someone else. but that is a risk I am willing to take.  On the other hand it could be the beginning of a beautiful life long relationship.  I really don't know what to do, but I know my heart will not be satisfied with out giving it a try, and try I must.

George Gershwin's "Someone to Watch Over Me" seems profoundly appropriate right now.

There's a saying old says that love is blind
Still were often told, seek and ye shall find
So I'm going to seek a certain lad Ive had in mind
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet

Hes the big affair I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret
Id like to add his initial to my monogram
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could always be good
Someone who'll watch over me

Although he may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

Spiritual House Cleaning: On the brink of Atheism

Many years ago after my mission when I decided I needed to get away from Mormonism I made an active decision to "see how far the rabbit hole really goes." It's been 8 years since that choice and I have yet to find the end of that rabbit hole.  I'm starting to doubt there is an end.  The deeper I dig in to the claims and proclamations that the LDS church has made since its inception the more I find myself digging in to my own beliefs.  I can see why so many that leave the church want nothing more to do with any sort of faith community after the fact.  An obvious fruit of Mormonism - to poison the spiritual well.


But as I have done the searching out trying to get to the bottom of why (as I see it) the falsehoods masquerading around as "the one true restored church" continue to be perpetuated, I find myself questioning even further the basic tenants of faith.  The old axiom of "the more I learn the less I know" seems to be completely applicable.  The more I learn about the white lies Joseph Smith and his supporters told, the more contempt I find for Mormonism and those that ardently defend it.  Being able to prove within logic and reason that Mormonism is not what it claims to be has only caused me to question my own stance within Christianity in general.

The digger I deep in to the Bible usually in an effort to respond to the many LDS apologists running around, the closer to the edge of Atheism I find myself.  While before I could previously justify my lack of receiving answers to prayers as unworthiness (as you are taught as a member) as being the cause for not getting confirmations and guidance while a member of the church, I no longer have that as an excuse.

I find myself pleading with the almighty on a rather consistent and annoyingly regular basis, but to little avail and no response I feel I dare trust.  Mormonism has corrupted my relationship with God if such a deity exists, and has soiled my understanding and awe of Christ and his saving grace.  It would take more than a government super-fund site to even put a dent in cleaning up the hazardous waste from this spiritual fall out.  My feelings are up to their old tricks of trying to pretend to be the Spirit in an answer to prayer when their is nothing to justify such sensations.  Is God no more than wishful thinking-a human construct meant to soften an otherwise crushing blow of existence?

It was a rather powerful sermon in church yesterday given by a guest pastor who is in regional ELCA leadership.  She also happens to be a member of the church I work for.  'We like to put up walls.  Walls that keep us from changing include how we worship or progressing in our walk of faith.  We want to keep the world of change out, because it keeps us safe. But that's not what Jesus did. He tore down walls and destroyed veils in temples.  He brought us together as the body of Christ.' She went on to say 'it is in that place of complete and utter doubt and faith where we find ourselves meeting God. Where there are no walls to block out the world or change.'  To be Christian is to always be changing was the implication.

I find myself wanting to know there is a God as much as I want to fall in love.  Only my other friends here can even remotely fathom what that means having grown up LDS and done all the things expected of you to only find out both you and your world were not what they appeared or were supposed to be.  Even those in the most unlikely of circumstances have managed to find themselves after realizing the fraud of Mormonism only later to discover their own fraud with their sexuality. Why aren't things getting easier yet? The more I learn the less I know.  And, frankly, it pisses me off.

"Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears; from death into life." Meet me in my chasm of utter brokenness and emptiness. Fill my soul and life in your grace and mercy.