Spiritual House Cleaning: On the brink of Atheism

Many years ago after my mission when I decided I needed to get away from Mormonism I made an active decision to "see how far the rabbit hole really goes." It's been 8 years since that choice and I have yet to find the end of that rabbit hole.  I'm starting to doubt there is an end.  The deeper I dig in to the claims and proclamations that the LDS church has made since its inception the more I find myself digging in to my own beliefs.  I can see why so many that leave the church want nothing more to do with any sort of faith community after the fact.  An obvious fruit of Mormonism - to poison the spiritual well.


But as I have done the searching out trying to get to the bottom of why (as I see it) the falsehoods masquerading around as "the one true restored church" continue to be perpetuated, I find myself questioning even further the basic tenants of faith.  The old axiom of "the more I learn the less I know" seems to be completely applicable.  The more I learn about the white lies Joseph Smith and his supporters told, the more contempt I find for Mormonism and those that ardently defend it.  Being able to prove within logic and reason that Mormonism is not what it claims to be has only caused me to question my own stance within Christianity in general.

The digger I deep in to the Bible usually in an effort to respond to the many LDS apologists running around, the closer to the edge of Atheism I find myself.  While before I could previously justify my lack of receiving answers to prayers as unworthiness (as you are taught as a member) as being the cause for not getting confirmations and guidance while a member of the church, I no longer have that as an excuse.

I find myself pleading with the almighty on a rather consistent and annoyingly regular basis, but to little avail and no response I feel I dare trust.  Mormonism has corrupted my relationship with God if such a deity exists, and has soiled my understanding and awe of Christ and his saving grace.  It would take more than a government super-fund site to even put a dent in cleaning up the hazardous waste from this spiritual fall out.  My feelings are up to their old tricks of trying to pretend to be the Spirit in an answer to prayer when their is nothing to justify such sensations.  Is God no more than wishful thinking-a human construct meant to soften an otherwise crushing blow of existence?

It was a rather powerful sermon in church yesterday given by a guest pastor who is in regional ELCA leadership.  She also happens to be a member of the church I work for.  'We like to put up walls.  Walls that keep us from changing include how we worship or progressing in our walk of faith.  We want to keep the world of change out, because it keeps us safe. But that's not what Jesus did. He tore down walls and destroyed veils in temples.  He brought us together as the body of Christ.' She went on to say 'it is in that place of complete and utter doubt and faith where we find ourselves meeting God. Where there are no walls to block out the world or change.'  To be Christian is to always be changing was the implication.

I find myself wanting to know there is a God as much as I want to fall in love.  Only my other friends here can even remotely fathom what that means having grown up LDS and done all the things expected of you to only find out both you and your world were not what they appeared or were supposed to be.  Even those in the most unlikely of circumstances have managed to find themselves after realizing the fraud of Mormonism only later to discover their own fraud with their sexuality. Why aren't things getting easier yet? The more I learn the less I know.  And, frankly, it pisses me off.

"Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears; from death into life." Meet me in my chasm of utter brokenness and emptiness. Fill my soul and life in your grace and mercy.

Comments

Because of the increase in female Asian porno spam I have enabled comment moderation.  Don't let that stop you from commenting in any fashion. I'm just getting tired of having to delete the spam in my comments.  Thanks all! Sorry if this hinders your responses on this blog.

One house for sale

So the ex and I just had a meeting with our realtor about selling the house.  Sadly the news isn't good as others out there trying to sell already know.  We can't pay anyone enough to buy a house that we can in fact afford - at least together but owe more than the thing is currently worth.

Since we've been divorced for almost 8 months and she has been seeing her current boy friend for about a year I can see why she is upset and just decided to go out.  The poor thing was hoping ditching the house would be easier especially after all the work that has been put in to it.  I suppose if I was seeing someone and desired to ride off in to the sunset with that person and couldn't get passed the previous relationship I would have similar feelings.  But I'm not fortunate enough to be in that position.  While it may seem callous I don't have naive sympathy in this case.

I don't know how many times I said we're not going to get anywhere rushing to put the house on the market this spring so why the rush getting things done.  Perhaps she is looking for a place to assign the blame for this nightmare even occurring and would like to direct it to me.  Of course it's all my fault after all.  If I hadn't come out none of this would have ever happened, right?  Perhaps its also my fault as my world was crumbling to pieces that she seemingly fell in love with a guy that has little beyond a high school education, lives with his mother (still), and while he can just barely afford his car and phone bill makes a little better than minimum wage and can't swoop in to rescue her from some of her own choices.  But again, if I were in her shoes I might feel the same way.  For once I think I'm very grateful not to be where she is, aside from not having some sort of relationship with some cute guy.  I'm still looking for a guy that could love someone as nerdy as I am.

Gosh, why the heck am I making this about her?  This isn't her blog - she can go get her own.  So we really don't have any options on the house.  We either have to stick it out here and wait for things to get better, which I'm sure she doesn't relish, or we find a way to give it back to the bank with as few casualties to credit and personal finances etc. as possible.  In any case neither of the options are good.  When the realtor's bottom line was, "hey you're young you still have some years to fix the damage from all this" I almost wanted to laugh.  The house has probably been the biggest issue surrounding the whole mess of my coming out.  What is a gay guy to do?  Damned if I do and damned if I don't.  At least I can be honest with myself now.  That's at least one bonus in my favor!

The Orientation of Underwear?

At the request of Abelard Enigma.  A discussion about gay underwear.  But first a disclaimer.  Those of you not allowed to look at other guys in any sort of revealing attire should probably sit this one out.  That is unless you intend to do some shopping as a result of this.  I don't want hate mail from anyone's significant other suggesting I'm trying to lure people away.  A bit of a joke folks - have a sense of humor...

For those not deeply versed in all things gay one might ask "how on earth can underwear be gay?"  It is a valid question indeed.  While any article of clothing is not inherently anything other than an inanimate object, it is the association with the wearer that usually is the correlation. We all know of the stereotypical gay man who is so effeminate he has to carry a fire extinguisher for being so "flaming," and takes preppy fashion to a whole new level of gayness. Then there are the guys in the middle who will set off your gaydar but their extremes in clothing taste are fairly moderate to conservative. And lastly, the rather masculine sort that befuddles the gaydar, leaves you guessing at best, and not knowing him from any other straight man at worst.  These are the casual guys that look like any other guy, sometimes sporting cargos or carpenter jeans and a T or kicking back in Nike b-ball shorts and a wifebeater.  I find myself falling in to the last category which probably in part explains why I find myself still single.  Just an aside, I have had some friends with the best gaydar tell me I can't possibly be gay since I have a low gaydar profile and dress way too "straight."

With whatever we may be seeing on the outside and pinging our gay "spidy sense," our internal unseen expression through unmentionables will often reveal some clues. While some may see underwear as a utilitarian necessity, we won't discuss those who chose to wander about without said undergarments, I have found a reasonable percentage of gay fellas express themselves, in some fashion and by extension -their gayness, through their choice of underoos.

It doesn't take one long to wander through the "mens furnishings" of any major department store to see some interesting trends.  And of course these trends will vary from locale even within a given region.  Comparing two major high-end malls here near Seattle demonstrate this quite well.  The mall in the richer metropolitan area places much more emphasis on the designer labels, for example.  Of course the items a store sells is very much marketed and geared toward the community they serve.

If you were to go to a major online site that both the gay community and sellers consider geared towards the "homosexual male" we see some even more interesting things..

An example of tasteful but still highly provocative gay underwear might be the following model.

http://www.undergear.com/

A bit understated as far as "out and proud" gay underwear is concerned but still fashionable and fun.

  Adventuring a but more in to the more daring would be the following which has certain internal enhancements for the male form and a silky synthetic fabric. http://www.undergear.com/

It is still somewhat conservative in terms of design and fabric choice, but with the improvements in the garment to provide a bit of "lift and separation" this certainly ventures in to the world of underwear only a gay man would wear.  Or any man who is very comfortable in his own masculinity.  It certainly helps to have a well toned body for any gay underwear.

The next several examples are what one would consider classic case "gay underwear."  While in many respects any of this could be considered stereotypical these are rather common place and practical generalizations.  Any guy that has gone to a gay pride festival knows what is part and parcel for such an event.  You won't see any underwear vendors selling comfy roomy boxers or plain white Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Nope, many gay men want loud, and/or revealing.  But the following are fairly typical examples of what an underwear store geared towards the gay man sells in droves.  The boys will fight over the cute prints.
http://www.undergear.com/

Loud prints and fashion waistbands are in for the gay guys.  To say nothing of very trim and form fitting.  For many its all about revealing your "assets." Time to hit the gym if you have any reservations about slipping in to some of these.

Shiny silky fabrics are always good.  The tighter the underwear the softer and silkier it has to be.  Or at least thats my general rule.
 http://www.undergear.com/












And venturing in to the more risque.  Well, with all the mesh and see thru fabrics there are you can imagine the many variations there can be on this theme.  I was going to throw caution to the wind entirely and actually put up such an example.  But I don't need to be chastised or accused of posting "soft core porn" by those that can't handle it.  If you don't want your gay card revoked you should get comfortable with it.  If ladies can have naughty underwear for the heterosexual crowd why can't gay men?  With that said here is the link to such an example, http://www.undergear.com/

So you can see the general theme accepted amongst the gay male populous for underwear is that which pushes boundaries in form, fit, design, and fabrics.  The general idea is to show off your body or in some way bring attention to yourself.  Trunks and boxer-briefs, as well as other European inspired underwear designs, are very popular with the gay fellas.

So as to avoid an inrush of inquires.  No I don't have a deal with Undergear.  They just happened to have all the examples I was looking for.  All of the pictures come from their online store and you can browse at your leisure.  And for the others who are dying to know what this gay man wears... No you won't really find any of this kind of underwear in my drawer.  Yes deduct ten points off my gay card.  I'm way too much of a traditionalist to wear all of this tight, flashy stuff.  I do have a wide variety of fun, loud, and comfortable boxers and a few fun silk boxer briefs, but that's as wild as I get.  Nope - you don't get to see, only my BF will get to view any of that up close.

Hope that helps Abe.  I always like an excuse to post attractive guys in practically nothing.  Thanks for the idea!

While out shopping

There is just something about weekends.  I'm not sure what it is.  Perhaps being away from the rigors of work brings it all to the surface.  Now things are so touchy that it's difficult to go out shopping with out getting emotional about it.  And not in a 'I'm pissed 'cause Kohl's doesn't have the stylish jeans I want' sort of way.  I really hope this isn't a bad sign.  I mean is this normal?

So I see a pair of guys obviously a couple.  They were in the underwear section checking out the cute gay things on sale.  I hope I don't need to explain gay underwear to everyone.  Anyhow it was just cute watching these attractive guys.  And of course I thought to myself, now see I need myself a guy to buy cute things for.  I happened to notice one of them was carrying a box with the neatest little desk in it.   I just had to see what else there was that might be worth checking out so I started looking.  I went over to the housewares via the fun appliances.  Oooo, I want one of each of those kitchen gadgets.  You mean it crushes blends and stirs your frozen beverages.  I need one of those!

And then I get over to the other section through the linens of course seeing all the nice bed sets and towels wishing I could buy a bunch.  Some really nice picture frames - but I don't have any pictures of anyone.  Those foot stool things with storage in them - classy.  And I see a table in a box just like the one the guy had.  It happened to be next to an attractive outdoor tent complete with a chandelier. It was very classy.

And then it hit me.  What the heck would I do with any of this stuff?  I a few months I'll probably be homeless - provided the house sells.  I sure as heck have no one, not even any immediately close friends to share it with.  And as usual every thing seemed so pointless.  I just wanted to crawl in to the hole where the composter was and bury myself in it.  The days of playing house are long since over.  Before long it will be me, myself and I - and literally no one else.  The idea of coming home to an empty, well, apartment are indeed even less appealing.

I had been told by a number of trusted sources that after the first year things get easier.  Am I just to darned impatient or am I hopeless?

Hell week is upon me.  I suppose I'll have to sweep this back under the rug for later.

Hold your horses

Wow!  My last post has been the most controversial one to date.  Thanks everyone for being such great participants, or perhaps great sports- a touch of humor, truly.  My own little corner here is usually such a dark one that I'm really quite surprised at the number of reactions that have found their way on the comments page.

To those who may have been offended - none was intended.  It was a rather blunt writing after seeing a few blogs dealing with a mixed orientation marriage where things were not going as was desired.  I certainly didn't set out to spend my one year anniversary post shooting down those trying to make something work that I could not.

Just prior to starting this one I put on my other blog how I hope this has stirred a center of conscious thought.  So let me redirect the cross examination a bit.  What I hope everyone can take away from the previous post was an opportunity for themselves.  To give yourself the permission to ask "Why am I/we doing this?"  And to ask it of yourself and should you be so fortunate, your significant other, on a frequent basis.  Is it out of duty, commitment, faith, hope devotion, love, fear, comfort..... Only you can ask the question and (I hope) honestly answer it.

There's a line at the end of Back to the Future.  It goes something to the effect "the future is yours, so make it a good one."  So despite my on the surface cynicism of the last writing I hope and pray you are all able to carpediem... in whatever way that means for you.

Peace all,

One year ago: a remembrance

Yesterday I found myself reminiscing while on another Moho blog trying to be helpful offering my thoughts about the struggles of a mixed orientation marriage that I experienced.  I'm not sure I was very successful since it was late at night and I just shouldn't let myself be posting at 11:00pm.  It wasn't until this morning in the shower thinking about what I wrote on their blog last night (and whether or not I should have said anything at all) when I realized it was one year ago today that I first came out.  My goodness what a whirlwind of ups and downs it has been!  A lot of downs and only a few ups - for now.

So after one year it seems worthwhile to hit on where things have been in the last year.  I didn't want to get in to some syrupy post about how much I've grown in the last year.  None of it was easy, fun, or desirable. I think if I had the choice then I would have very much preferred to kick the can down the road.  One way or the other the outcome was inevitable.  On the other hand, I've rediscovered myself and have been able to find a self honesty and self recognition of who I am that never once before existed.

For so many years I led a double life.  The good, talented, Mormon boy that everyone saw, and the fearful closeted gay guy I really was while no one was looking.  Secretly sneaking glances at the cute guy walking by, or discreetly looking online.  Just a couple nights ago for the first time in my life I put a gay themed picture on my desktop that has rather profound meaning (just to the right here->).  I can't exactly remember where I found it.  Nothing stirs my heart more than to see a gay couple expressing their genuine love for each other.  I like this particular image because their aren't faces, and despite how obviously attractive both of these guys must be, they really could be anyone.  Even me.  I have found myself collecting images of gay couples showing affection because that's what makes my heart swell and resonate within my being saying "this is what I want, and who I want to be."

In coming back to how it all began it really is amazing how I have survived it all.  My ex was pretty determined to end things quickly. And then I see so many M-O-M Moho couples determined to make it work whether children are involved or not.  I can't imagine once a spouse comes out and they decide to "make it work" how painful that must be for both in the relationship.  Perhaps it all comes down to the ingrained teachings of the church and the illusive theology on the possibility of gay people being just like all the rest of God's heterosexual creations despite the lack of such a possibility in Joseph Smith's grand design in the Plan of Salvation.

Now being out of marriage and allowed to explore what I avoided for 29 years, I don't understand why any MOM couple would put themselves and their gay spouse through the mutual struggle of denying themselves and their happiness to stay in a relationship that is only minimalistically beneficial.  The only caveat to that being children the couple have together.  So I have to ask the question... is it some kind of selfish tendency that forces one to sacrifice one's self in a relationship that isn't going to work in terms of attraction, love, and physical intimacy?  Why would anyone want to deny who they are and certainly a resulting lack of personal fulfillment and happiness? If there are children involved wouldn't a couple want to be in a stable, trustful, and loving relationship so as to be the best parents possible to the child?

I guess there are still so many things about a MOM that I don't understand.  And it seems, at least for those in the Moho community, there seem to be a million reasons to "tough it out" and silently suffer, and never one reason permitted to be considered to support getting out of what clearly doesn't work for you, a relationship, or children - regardless of what your faith tells you.  Forgive me friends, I just don't get it.  Perhaps those of us raised in the church have some sort of self serving need to be martyrs of the faith like church history paints Joseph Smith as being.  I've heard the line in other blogs that suppose that being married to a gay person is just another trial that won't happen in the next life.  It makes me sad that spouses sometimes have little regard for their own happiness let alone the happiness of their spouse, pushing aside their needs and desires as well as those of their partner, screw on the Mormon smile and pretend everything will just happen to work out.  Well if not in this life then definitely in the next, right?  "Good thing we were sealed in the temple honey so this gay trial will go away in heaven."  The unnecessary torture these families are putting themselves through... and I just don't know how to help them.

It's just so frustrating to see this situation continue to be perpetuated as a rational option for living life. And this is the point where I will pin it on the church and hold it responsible.  If Mormonism, and many other faiths for that matter, didn't spread the falsehood that being gay is an abomination, a massive sin, is something that can be controlled, and all those other lies, none of us would have gone through the miserable messes we have.  I would have been better off not wasting so much of my life and carelessly dragging another person with me.  Things could have been so much more pleasant and odds are life would be a lot more rosey.

The amount of agony I could have avoided watching my ex start dating a mutual friend only a week or so after I came out, and long before we filed for divorce.  The resulting "honesty" that came out of her unhappiness and admitting to me how much she wanted to have an affair (and well technically ended up getting that wish).  I would have liked to have avoided all of it.

So many things I wish I could have avoided.  What can I do but keep moving.  I suppose some good has resulted from the mess.  My first date in the summer.  The first very brief dating relationship with another Moho guy I was interested in.  And the best of all, being able to look at boys and go, wow he's cute, without feeling guilty!

I just keep hoping that picture of the two guys will swiftly come to a reality for me rather than just a figment of my desire as it always has been for the last 30 years.  I keep that picture on my computer not to remind me of what some may have considered a loss while in the closet, but what I've gained.  Freedom and some degree of happiness.  And not just being free from the chains in my closet, but free to pursue my love - whomever that ends up being.  Thank you God for such a blessing, however hard it was in the beginning, but keep walking with me on it since I have such a long way to go still.