Freedom to love: A new campaign

I'm starting to go public with a concept.  I'm dangling the carrot as it were to see if anything nibbles at it prompting me to go forward in what I'm sure will be both a positive and slightly controversial social movement.

It all started with the events over the last couple weeks.  First one suicide than another, than bullying resulting in suicide... Ellen's comments, the The Trevor Project's new campaign.  The tipping point was the words of the president of the Quorum of the LDS 12 apostles, Boyd K. Packer at the most recent LDS General Conference.  Those still connected to the Mormon dome are well aware of what a mess this has caused.  I heard yesterday there was another gay teen suicide in Utah... the protest around temple square.  I mean things have just gone sideways.  A storm is indeed gathering and its not just the one outside my window right now.

While waiting the hour to go off to work something popped in to my head.  I've always felt that the gay community and the equal rights movement within the LGBT community was a little scattered.  Perhaps we're all too busy or just a little to A.D.D,... oh look at the kitty....  Maybe its just me but it almost seems that since the loss of Harvey Milk things have been without a focus.  We know what we want and what we're after, but the ship seems adrift.  We need something to unify us in this cause of equality.  Usually that is a person, a leader, but I don't see one.  Or maybe there are so many spread across the country and the globe.  There isn't a single thing anymore that brings us together... maybe having something, a focus will get us over the hump of frustration, of continued denigration, alienation, and so many other things.

And then it hit me... why couldn't that thing be a song?  Within a matter of minutes, since that was all the time I had, the words and the music came together.  The rest of the idea took place over the next several hours.  If this is a song that will express everyone then they need to lend their voice to what is expressed.  With the number of musicaly inclined gays there are in the world, or just Mormondom if we want to be narrow focused, this should be quite a simple thing.

So the initial idea blossomed further... I have provided the chorus, lets open up the writing of the verses to the homo world at large.  A sort of contest.  All they get is the chord structures and associated rhythm - aka the accompaniment, (and the preproduced chorus) they get to provide the rest.  It seems like a good idea to give voice to what we are all feeling these days.  I have no personal desires to gain a thing from this other than getting true equality here a little faster.

There are far too many lives being lost to wait another day or waste more time debating what God thinks of gay people and whether or not good Christians or Mormons should allow them to be who they are or get married if they so choose.  An acquaintance told me, "wow, maybe you're the next Harvey Milk."  To which I quickly said, no I don't have half the leadership qualities of Harvey.  I have neither the face or poetic words to rally the troops... but I do have a song, and a vision.  I pray it is a good as it seems.

One year ago: a remembrance

Yesterday I found myself reminiscing while on another Moho blog trying to be helpful offering my thoughts about the struggles of a mixed orientation marriage that I experienced.  I'm not sure I was very successful since it was late at night and I just shouldn't let myself be posting at 11:00pm.  It wasn't until this morning in the shower thinking about what I wrote on their blog last night (and whether or not I should have said anything at all) when I realized it was one year ago today that I first came out.  My goodness what a whirlwind of ups and downs it has been!  A lot of downs and only a few ups - for now.

So after one year it seems worthwhile to hit on where things have been in the last year.  I didn't want to get in to some syrupy post about how much I've grown in the last year.  None of it was easy, fun, or desirable. I think if I had the choice then I would have very much preferred to kick the can down the road.  One way or the other the outcome was inevitable.  On the other hand, I've rediscovered myself and have been able to find a self honesty and self recognition of who I am that never once before existed.

For so many years I led a double life.  The good, talented, Mormon boy that everyone saw, and the fearful closeted gay guy I really was while no one was looking.  Secretly sneaking glances at the cute guy walking by, or discreetly looking online.  Just a couple nights ago for the first time in my life I put a gay themed picture on my desktop that has rather profound meaning (just to the right here->).  I can't exactly remember where I found it.  Nothing stirs my heart more than to see a gay couple expressing their genuine love for each other.  I like this particular image because their aren't faces, and despite how obviously attractive both of these guys must be, they really could be anyone.  Even me.  I have found myself collecting images of gay couples showing affection because that's what makes my heart swell and resonate within my being saying "this is what I want, and who I want to be."

In coming back to how it all began it really is amazing how I have survived it all.  My ex was pretty determined to end things quickly. And then I see so many M-O-M Moho couples determined to make it work whether children are involved or not.  I can't imagine once a spouse comes out and they decide to "make it work" how painful that must be for both in the relationship.  Perhaps it all comes down to the ingrained teachings of the church and the illusive theology on the possibility of gay people being just like all the rest of God's heterosexual creations despite the lack of such a possibility in Joseph Smith's grand design in the Plan of Salvation.

Now being out of marriage and allowed to explore what I avoided for 29 years, I don't understand why any MOM couple would put themselves and their gay spouse through the mutual struggle of denying themselves and their happiness to stay in a relationship that is only minimalistically beneficial.  The only caveat to that being children the couple have together.  So I have to ask the question... is it some kind of selfish tendency that forces one to sacrifice one's self in a relationship that isn't going to work in terms of attraction, love, and physical intimacy?  Why would anyone want to deny who they are and certainly a resulting lack of personal fulfillment and happiness? If there are children involved wouldn't a couple want to be in a stable, trustful, and loving relationship so as to be the best parents possible to the child?

I guess there are still so many things about a MOM that I don't understand.  And it seems, at least for those in the Moho community, there seem to be a million reasons to "tough it out" and silently suffer, and never one reason permitted to be considered to support getting out of what clearly doesn't work for you, a relationship, or children - regardless of what your faith tells you.  Forgive me friends, I just don't get it.  Perhaps those of us raised in the church have some sort of self serving need to be martyrs of the faith like church history paints Joseph Smith as being.  I've heard the line in other blogs that suppose that being married to a gay person is just another trial that won't happen in the next life.  It makes me sad that spouses sometimes have little regard for their own happiness let alone the happiness of their spouse, pushing aside their needs and desires as well as those of their partner, screw on the Mormon smile and pretend everything will just happen to work out.  Well if not in this life then definitely in the next, right?  "Good thing we were sealed in the temple honey so this gay trial will go away in heaven."  The unnecessary torture these families are putting themselves through... and I just don't know how to help them.

It's just so frustrating to see this situation continue to be perpetuated as a rational option for living life. And this is the point where I will pin it on the church and hold it responsible.  If Mormonism, and many other faiths for that matter, didn't spread the falsehood that being gay is an abomination, a massive sin, is something that can be controlled, and all those other lies, none of us would have gone through the miserable messes we have.  I would have been better off not wasting so much of my life and carelessly dragging another person with me.  Things could have been so much more pleasant and odds are life would be a lot more rosey.

The amount of agony I could have avoided watching my ex start dating a mutual friend only a week or so after I came out, and long before we filed for divorce.  The resulting "honesty" that came out of her unhappiness and admitting to me how much she wanted to have an affair (and well technically ended up getting that wish).  I would have liked to have avoided all of it.

So many things I wish I could have avoided.  What can I do but keep moving.  I suppose some good has resulted from the mess.  My first date in the summer.  The first very brief dating relationship with another Moho guy I was interested in.  And the best of all, being able to look at boys and go, wow he's cute, without feeling guilty!

I just keep hoping that picture of the two guys will swiftly come to a reality for me rather than just a figment of my desire as it always has been for the last 30 years.  I keep that picture on my computer not to remind me of what some may have considered a loss while in the closet, but what I've gained.  Freedom and some degree of happiness.  And not just being free from the chains in my closet, but free to pursue my love - whomever that ends up being.  Thank you God for such a blessing, however hard it was in the beginning, but keep walking with me on it since I have such a long way to go still.

The Heavens are Shut

Image by: cjohnson7 at http://flickr.com/photos/72621973@N00/1460568819

Please see Rob's excellent post and remembrance of Stuart Matis at Scrum Central.

I think it fitting to once again point out the lack of such desperately needed "modern revelation" amongst the Mormon church in regards to the issue of homosexuality. As Rob very astutely points out, the church has been swinging back and forth over this issue for decades.  In consideration of the church's posturing amongst other Evangelical and Fundamentalist Christian groups so as to attain some degree of political clout, it is clear to see the church leadership is unwilling to officially pick a side and stick to it.

My devout LDS readers may be further offended, but one with eyes to see and ears to hear can see that in this issue alone the modern revelation channel the church subscribes to does not seem to be working. If it is the Lord's "one and only true church on the face of the earth" why is he not speaking to Mr. Monson, who is charged with speaking to the Lord on this important topic? How many more need to die needlessly before a convenient revelation comes? The heavens were never open to the leaders of the church. This is but another sad chapter in the history of Mormonism.  The charisma of Joseph Smith with his quick and creative intellect to generate "revelation" at just the right time are but faded pages in the history of the church.

Church and Family

 

I happened to be thinking about what it is that ties us together. That thing that makes family what it is.  My family is not what you would consider one of "closeness."  If anything we probably try to avoid eachother on most situations.  I'm sure my coming out hasn't helped in that area either.  But I have stopped to ponder why is it that we are so isolated, to the point of not even regularly talking to one another.  

Not surprisingly it seems many answers begin and end with the church.  It was the church the brought us all together and it was also what has ultimately divided us.  Despite proclamations on the family and other official sanctions approving of the stereotypical Mormon family things did not end up as church leaders have supposed they would be.  The promises of the church have failed incredibly.

My dear mother, who has been gone for 12 years now (my has it been that long?), was the one that held it all together and the church was the glue.  It was her faithfulness that kept it all pieced so carefully together.  She ran herself ragged trying to make our home live up to the Mormon standards of family and it wasn't easy.  Now that the tie in to the church is missing I suppose it is no wonder we've scattered to the winds.

My dad still goes to church on a fairly regular basis, but it seems more out of habit then out of sincereity as one of the faithful.  My sister however has taken quite the church plunge.  She seems to be determined to out mom our mom in the church faithfulness department and making darn sure her children are well established in the church "lest they be lost to the wolves." I think it is just over compensation.

The rift between us all seems to be an ever widening chasm.  I once thought my sister, the scientist and teacher, was the sanest out of the family, but her blind faith in church doctrine trumped that of family and love.  I doubt that the day will come where I will be accepted as I am by her.  We all know what it's like to be shunned by our family members "hyper active" in the church.  In they eyes of one of my own siblings, I am a walking "abomination" willingly sinning over a "choice to love men" instead of women.  I am null and void to God's plan and the plan of salvation and my departed relatives weep for my poor choices.  Or so I'm lead to believe.

How the "perfection" of Mormonism has soured my family to be distant and removed at best, and hateful, bigoted, biased, and unloving at the worst.  This is the fruit of the "traditional Mormon family," that which espouses only heterosexuals make a family and good Mormon families should protect marriage from same sex couples.

When I'm with my BF there is more love there than I have felt in my entire some 30 years of existence.  I can even begin to process what I feel in the relationship.  But I know that's where I belong.  And yet I think about what it is the people are trying to protect in blocking "gay marriage."  There really isn't anything worth saving in my family unity.  No amount of "protecting marriage and 'traditional family values' is going to change how I'm viewed or loved in my family.  Neither will it change where Mormonism still fails to understand one of the most important commandments - unconditional love. 

My family is who ever accepts me for who I am. Not where I come from and who I'm related to.  I wish I had a bigger "family."  I long to be with more of those who love me for me.

Prop 8, the Musical

I just couldn't resist posting what a friend sent.

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... from Jack Black

Come Home

Soon eyes will be turning to the State of Washington as we have our own version of California's Prop. 8 debacle.  While the opponents of preserving domestic partnership laws (which is what voting yes of Referendum 71 will do) take the stance this is about "preserving traditional marriage between a man and a woman," defeating this measure will nullify domestic partnership regardless of sexual orientation.

It is clear that the protect marriage camp is attempting to make this an anti gay issue.  With support from many anti gay churches and organizations this may be but a first attempt to return to the 1970's and push gays back in to the closet and out of society.  To those who still don't get it, gays are here to stay!

Professor Patrick M. Chapman, Ph.D. and author of "Thou Shalt Not Love: What Evangelicals Really Say to Gays"was guest speaker this month for Tacoma PFLAG. He discussed the origins of marriage in several cultures and how many other societies look at those of different sexual orientation or gender identity.  It was interesting to note that the US is actually one of the furthest behind western civilization world superpowers when it comes to gay rights.  He commented if a country like South Africa can have gay rights ahead of the US there is something terribly wrong with the country purported to have the most freedom.  And what is it preventing equality yet again in this great country of ours?  Yet again as it was for African Americans and many other minorities, it fear stirred up by religious conservatives.

Naturally the discussion at PFLAG went the discussion of how religion enters the picture as in many pacific island cultures those who we would label as gay are often put in to religious roles such as shaman and the like.  We heard about Professor Chapman's experience in a nondenominational church that outed him in front of the entire church while he was in the company of friends and students and was not out publicly.  Of course the church wanted to change, I mean "help" him.  The discussion  naturally led to Ref. 71.  Apparently the opponents of domestic partnership have released a new commercial with copyrighted images from the LDS church.  While I have not seen said commercial the comment was made that in all probability the Mormon church is quietly supporting the anti partnership platform.

To all of my gay brothers and sisters Mormon or not out there.  Get off your hindquarters and register to vote.  Allowing our rights to be taken away by the homophobic, the bigots, the misguided religious conservatives, or just the uninformed will allow the Anita Bryants of the 1970's to return to the 21st century to push us out of society.

Defend our freedom and vote that "all men are created equal and are given certain inalienable rights." 

Vote for all to keep their homes and their families safe from those seeking to destroy the family unit just because it is not like theirs.  Make your voice heard that the words of the constitution will never be erased or the words written at the base of the Statue of Liberty may forever beckon all to "come home."

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Alone in the dark: Where is love?

I think I'll take a hiatus from my usual Mormon bashing just to show that their are other things I can do.  Even though further removing myself from the clutches the religion I was brought in to is therapeutic.

As is often the case I was doing some thinking last night about where things are going.  Or where they are not is probably more accurate.  Since coming out 6 months ago I have hoped that being honest with myself would make it easier to be real, approachable, and in general, faster to move on and find someone new to have a relationship with or at least explore with.

But yet It hasn't happened and I keep wondering why.  My ex had entered, or rather fell, in to a new relationship before we even signed the divorce papers.  Her answer to it was that although she "didn't want it," it was the wish of her heart.  While we could debate the merits of whether or not she wanted it since it was a relationship entered in to before the last one ended there was something to where it was going from the beginning. And there she is - with almost everything she could want in a boy friend.  Sure, it's not perfect but yet what is?  Things between the two of them are so swimmingly they spend at least every other day together out doing something, and when they aren't physically together they are constantly texting, and on the phone, or skype, or this that and the other.  I wonder if I should brace myself for them getting engaged now.


So as I lay in bed cuddling my pillow where a cute nice guy should be, with my arms wrapped around him, I shed silent tears mourning his absence.  And I ask myself, "don't I deserve the wish of my heart too, or is that only reserved for heteros."  Am I doomed to a life of loneliness now that I have found honesty with myself?

I find it amazing how passive aggressive the guys in this area are.  It seems many find me mildly attractive, but in the end it only seems to come down to one thing, the shallowness of online intimacy.  Practically none have the guts to pull the trigger to even go on a casual date.  Too many guys seem to be more interested in whether or not I'm naked and horny at the time while on gay.com then they are meeting up and seeing if there is genuine human connection.  I guess physicality comes cheaper than investing in a real relationship.  So I wonder further, will I find anyone worth while in the Puget Sound area - the gay capitol of the NW, or am I just another piece of trash in the streets of heart brokenness.

It hurts to see everyone else in a place where they have someone, and as if I was back in the immaturity of high school, there I am on the side lines shouting to the rest of the players "I'm open, pick me!"

It's almost as if I'm being punished not only for finally coming out to myself, but then for retaining some degree of standards and integrity.  While, sure I like sex as much as any guy, I'm not the sort to just go out and have one night stands until someone is interested enough in me to hang around.  After my last failed sham of a relationship I want the romance and the connection.  Sex is trite and meaningless with out it - an easy lesson learned from the last go around.

It is sad that so many cute guys also seem to have few standards.  I can't stand how many guys smoke like chimneys.  Aside from the fact its bad for you, my lungs just don't want anything to do with that.  And then there are the alcoholics and drug users.  Drinking "socially" and going out every other night and getting your booze on no longer makes you a social drinker.  It makes you a regular and probably one with not much of a bank account.  Trying alcohol never did anything for me so I have no interest in it whatsoever.  While I don't hold it against anyone for getting an adult beverage every once in a while, if it makes you an ass after the first glass - sorry, not interested.  Simply put drugs of any kind are an instant deal breaker - not interested!  Mostly because it would open a Pandora's box that I would rather not acknowledge.  That stuff will suck you in and never let go.  I have enough problems in life already with out having addiction thrown in on top.

It's funny that I would even be saying this but really I need to find myself a guy that grew up with the same standards I did.  I need myself a MoHo - or perhaps better yet an ExMoHo.  Someone that knows where I've come from having been raised in the church, served a mission, even the mistake of marriage, has values, morals, and integrity - without too many word of wisdom hang ups (gay sex and intimacy is not part of the word of wisdom BTW).  But I'm not interested in going back to the church - we all know where that ends for gay couples.  However the qualities I'm looking for in a cute nice guy do fall in line with at least some of the standards of the church - strangely enough.  And yet, I don't think it is a bad thing.  It actually gives me some degree of standards.

So the question is... am I peeing yet again in to an arctic wind or do I have a chance finding such a guy without moving to a hornets nest like Utah?  Is there anyone out there for me, or will I be cursed to a relationship with my pillow where surely there must be a guy in the world that could use my love more than a pillow needs my tears.  Being alone in the dark at night makes me ponder and dream and lament, where is my love?

Legislating Morality

I've been reading lots of MoHo blogs lately and there appears to be growing frustration of the religious interference in blocking gay marriage. The arguments within the Mormon community are of course predictably the same on all fronts. I won't go in to my litany of the tendency of good members of the church to not think for themselves, as if revelation is based on nothing but the trickle down theory from the 1st presidency of the church. For some, as soon as a general authority opens their mouth, regardless of timing or circumstances, it is instantly considered "revelation from God" and that "the thinking has been done." What dictatorial nonsense. What is the point in having the Spirit if the general authorities are the only ones entitled to commune with the Almighty or do any thinking what so ever.

Now to the point. I grow increasingly concerned that the chasm of the gay crowd and the Mormon family fundamentalists is ever increasing. The resistance coming from members and leaders alike to even enter in to a discussion is indeed troubling. Not only is the refusal to talk increasing but so too is the rhetoric and condoning hate speech from leaders of the church. Members can't even shut off their preprogrammed answers for one second to even stop to think for themselves let alone search, ponder, and pray in an unbiased manner. Past prophets have warned that the failure of the church will come from the pride of the members. Perhaps Mormonism is doomed to failure after all. What a surprise.

There is a reason separation of church and state was created in this great country of ours. To keep it from becoming a theocracy where those who are not of like minded religious views to discriminate against the other. But that appears to be exactly what those of the LDS church aim to do. The constitution does not entitle you to force your religious beliefs on those around you to believe or live a lifestyle that only you sanction as deemed appropriate by God. It is even less appropriate to wrestle the government in to legislating such blatant discrimination by qualifying the 'wrongness' of gay marriage as being socially destructive. My desire to marry someone of the same gender will no more interfere with your life than your heterosexual marriage will interfere with mine. Yet somehow you believe you are more entitled to control my life than I am yours. All of the sinless, religious heterosexuals in perfect relationships can cast the first stone against same gender relationships when they prove their perfection of the "ordained family unit."

I get so tired of the one minded view perpetuated by Mormonism that God only works in one way and that is the way spoken of by church headquarters in Salt Lake. This is contrary to much of Mormon doctrine and the Gospel of Christ in total. To say the the LDS church isn't "anti gay, but pro family" is a double standard and bigoted statement. Everyone knows where the church stands on the gay issue. Stop hiding behind the "Proclamation on the Family" and enter the fray. Test the tenants of the church for once. "Truth needs no buttress!" According to Mormon theology a "family" starts with a husband and wife. What about single parents, adopted parents, those living in mixed marriages or families? All statistics I've seen suggest a gay couple is often many times happier and more successful that a "traditional" couple, including where raising children is concerned.

Be it as it all may what gets my goat is the need to for church members to take a self righteous stance saying that gay marriage will take away their rights for traditional families, it will erode society, gay people can't be trusted...etc. ad nauseum. Would one such person send me proof of such statements that gay marriage will in any way interfere other than it will challenge your faith? If the church just can't doctrinally ever accept gay people on any level than fine, there are other faiths that will. That does not however permit this church or any other from allowing me to exercise my belief that God made me the way I am and that I am equally entitled to find personal happiness in this life as well. It also does not permit you to force your doctrine in to the constitution of our country to prevent me from finding happiness or worshiping "how, where, or what I may." You may all now get from behind your barricade of attempting to legislate "God's social moral order" and just come out saying that you are afraid of gay people. Let's start with honesty first and go from there.

Since when did those who were once persecuted think it was ok to begin doing the persecuting?

LDS funding towards Prop. 8

As they say the proof is in the pudding.

http://isocrat.org/blog/?p=418