Secrets of the Past (November Theme)

As was suggested I thought I would do a two fold post.  Just a blurb on the theme and then yet another pause for the beginning of another mopey week, or so it seems.

So the only secret I could possibly get off my chest is rather obvious.  I'm gay and have been for as long as I can remember.  Now being who I was and how I was raised it has taken my entire life thus far to realize what I am and make an attempt to come to peace with it.

I was thinking this morning before I got out of bed that, yeah, I've been gay for as long as I was even remotely aware of what such things were.  My earliest recollection of being attracted to guys goes back to elementary school.  Something made me more curious about the boys then the girls.  Not being in the thick of puberty yet I didn't think much of it and of course I had no idea what it was.  But then middle school hit and even in the high anxiety world of P.E. I found myself drawn to some of the cute guys in my gym class.  You know looking around in the locker room while trying not to be caught looking around.  Again no idea what so ever I was gay.  Really gay didn't exist - I had no family or friends that were "that way."  It is certainly not going to be talked about in any good LDS home in those days.  Just "the talk" about the "birds and the bees" seemed rather abrupt even for a dad who is a medical professional.

At any rate high school hit and of course I was still discreetly checking the guys out.  I had a couple groups of friends and guy friends.  And again I thought nothing of it.  How I wish I could have got past the whole self awareness phase and come out while I was still in high school and young enough to rebound from it before college.  It's really somewhat amusing now how oblivious I was to my gayness.  It wasn't until I had "the phone call" with my dad, who was not surprised, where I realized that even he suspected all those years ago.

My dad reminded me of my first crush.  Being where I'm at I can see that whole thing as being just that, but of course even just a few years ago I would have never saw my attraction to this guy for what it truly was.  I was an under classmen and this guy was a senior.  He was a sweet, friendly, outgoing sort.  I was drawn in by his musical talents, he had a wonderful tenor voice, played the trumpet and piano well, and had quite a faith in God.  He was not LDS but a good christian guy.  There was just something about his eyes that to this day still makes me melt.  He had befriended me as he did with so many others.  I found myself at his house a time or two where we'd hang out and do music nerd stuff with the christian music he was passionate about.  His little brother was my age and in some of the same classes I was.  They were complete opposites in those days.  But I was drawn in by my high school crush.  When I found out their family was moving to Las Vegas I was heart broken.  It wasn't long after where my mom was diagnosed with cancer the year following loosing that battle.

I still think about what could have happened had I not been confined to the Mormon way of life.  In the years the passed I thought often about my first crush... what he was up to and whether or not he could have had any feelings for me as well.  Since the miracle of facebook he has become part of my gathering of friends and acquaintances.  I had figured that if our paths had ever crossed again that I would discover that he would be married and have a few kids.  But as with others, I remain perplexed by the guys that in their personal information only put that they are single.  No other mention as to if they are interested in men or women or what.  How many straight guys do we know that take full advantage of such a thing to advertise they are single and want a woman?  But there he is - just single.  So I have to secretly wonder could he be...  Sadly friending on facebook does not guarantee being able to strike up even a casual conversation with former friends.  I've thrown a couple of wall posts and private messages his way just curious to see where the last 12 years has led him, to no response.  Yet, I stop and wonder.  Should he ever come across this and figure it out I would be mortified and turn every shade of embarrassed color imaginable.  But then again...

Of course thinking so much about what might have been when I wasn't ready to come out leads me to contemplate what could be now that I'm ready.  And what I find hurting is now that I'm ready the opportunities I've had now seem to be gone.  My social circle of live interactions has shrunk to a party of one - me, myself, and I.  While I appreciate the connections I seem to be making online, nothing compares to getting to know people in real life.  We are social creatures after all.

Just last night and also this morning I was thinking about the fictitious love of my life, not my high school crush.  A few years ago I would have said that was with the girl I married only later to end up being divorced.  Some how God managed to bring her to me for the purposes of showing me a better path for myself.  Now I have to wait all over again to find the guy I should have been with from the start.

I have spent way too much time thinking about the first date and all the things I want to happen in a relationship that I've been craving for nearly 30 years but never getting.  It's worse than being hungry for a good steak and potatoes.  I have felt myself feeling desire for such a true relationship in every part of my body.  And my spirit aches to have that connection with someone.  My friend, my soul mate, my love.  Oh merciful and loving God don't make me wait too long.  Lead me to "the one."

Alone in the dark: Where is love?

I think I'll take a hiatus from my usual Mormon bashing just to show that their are other things I can do.  Even though further removing myself from the clutches the religion I was brought in to is therapeutic.

As is often the case I was doing some thinking last night about where things are going.  Or where they are not is probably more accurate.  Since coming out 6 months ago I have hoped that being honest with myself would make it easier to be real, approachable, and in general, faster to move on and find someone new to have a relationship with or at least explore with.

But yet It hasn't happened and I keep wondering why.  My ex had entered, or rather fell, in to a new relationship before we even signed the divorce papers.  Her answer to it was that although she "didn't want it," it was the wish of her heart.  While we could debate the merits of whether or not she wanted it since it was a relationship entered in to before the last one ended there was something to where it was going from the beginning. And there she is - with almost everything she could want in a boy friend.  Sure, it's not perfect but yet what is?  Things between the two of them are so swimmingly they spend at least every other day together out doing something, and when they aren't physically together they are constantly texting, and on the phone, or skype, or this that and the other.  I wonder if I should brace myself for them getting engaged now.


So as I lay in bed cuddling my pillow where a cute nice guy should be, with my arms wrapped around him, I shed silent tears mourning his absence.  And I ask myself, "don't I deserve the wish of my heart too, or is that only reserved for heteros."  Am I doomed to a life of loneliness now that I have found honesty with myself?

I find it amazing how passive aggressive the guys in this area are.  It seems many find me mildly attractive, but in the end it only seems to come down to one thing, the shallowness of online intimacy.  Practically none have the guts to pull the trigger to even go on a casual date.  Too many guys seem to be more interested in whether or not I'm naked and horny at the time while on gay.com then they are meeting up and seeing if there is genuine human connection.  I guess physicality comes cheaper than investing in a real relationship.  So I wonder further, will I find anyone worth while in the Puget Sound area - the gay capitol of the NW, or am I just another piece of trash in the streets of heart brokenness.

It hurts to see everyone else in a place where they have someone, and as if I was back in the immaturity of high school, there I am on the side lines shouting to the rest of the players "I'm open, pick me!"

It's almost as if I'm being punished not only for finally coming out to myself, but then for retaining some degree of standards and integrity.  While, sure I like sex as much as any guy, I'm not the sort to just go out and have one night stands until someone is interested enough in me to hang around.  After my last failed sham of a relationship I want the romance and the connection.  Sex is trite and meaningless with out it - an easy lesson learned from the last go around.

It is sad that so many cute guys also seem to have few standards.  I can't stand how many guys smoke like chimneys.  Aside from the fact its bad for you, my lungs just don't want anything to do with that.  And then there are the alcoholics and drug users.  Drinking "socially" and going out every other night and getting your booze on no longer makes you a social drinker.  It makes you a regular and probably one with not much of a bank account.  Trying alcohol never did anything for me so I have no interest in it whatsoever.  While I don't hold it against anyone for getting an adult beverage every once in a while, if it makes you an ass after the first glass - sorry, not interested.  Simply put drugs of any kind are an instant deal breaker - not interested!  Mostly because it would open a Pandora's box that I would rather not acknowledge.  That stuff will suck you in and never let go.  I have enough problems in life already with out having addiction thrown in on top.

It's funny that I would even be saying this but really I need to find myself a guy that grew up with the same standards I did.  I need myself a MoHo - or perhaps better yet an ExMoHo.  Someone that knows where I've come from having been raised in the church, served a mission, even the mistake of marriage, has values, morals, and integrity - without too many word of wisdom hang ups (gay sex and intimacy is not part of the word of wisdom BTW).  But I'm not interested in going back to the church - we all know where that ends for gay couples.  However the qualities I'm looking for in a cute nice guy do fall in line with at least some of the standards of the church - strangely enough.  And yet, I don't think it is a bad thing.  It actually gives me some degree of standards.

So the question is... am I peeing yet again in to an arctic wind or do I have a chance finding such a guy without moving to a hornets nest like Utah?  Is there anyone out there for me, or will I be cursed to a relationship with my pillow where surely there must be a guy in the world that could use my love more than a pillow needs my tears.  Being alone in the dark at night makes me ponder and dream and lament, where is my love?