Secrets of the Past (November Theme)

As was suggested I thought I would do a two fold post.  Just a blurb on the theme and then yet another pause for the beginning of another mopey week, or so it seems.

So the only secret I could possibly get off my chest is rather obvious.  I'm gay and have been for as long as I can remember.  Now being who I was and how I was raised it has taken my entire life thus far to realize what I am and make an attempt to come to peace with it.

I was thinking this morning before I got out of bed that, yeah, I've been gay for as long as I was even remotely aware of what such things were.  My earliest recollection of being attracted to guys goes back to elementary school.  Something made me more curious about the boys then the girls.  Not being in the thick of puberty yet I didn't think much of it and of course I had no idea what it was.  But then middle school hit and even in the high anxiety world of P.E. I found myself drawn to some of the cute guys in my gym class.  You know looking around in the locker room while trying not to be caught looking around.  Again no idea what so ever I was gay.  Really gay didn't exist - I had no family or friends that were "that way."  It is certainly not going to be talked about in any good LDS home in those days.  Just "the talk" about the "birds and the bees" seemed rather abrupt even for a dad who is a medical professional.

At any rate high school hit and of course I was still discreetly checking the guys out.  I had a couple groups of friends and guy friends.  And again I thought nothing of it.  How I wish I could have got past the whole self awareness phase and come out while I was still in high school and young enough to rebound from it before college.  It's really somewhat amusing now how oblivious I was to my gayness.  It wasn't until I had "the phone call" with my dad, who was not surprised, where I realized that even he suspected all those years ago.

My dad reminded me of my first crush.  Being where I'm at I can see that whole thing as being just that, but of course even just a few years ago I would have never saw my attraction to this guy for what it truly was.  I was an under classmen and this guy was a senior.  He was a sweet, friendly, outgoing sort.  I was drawn in by his musical talents, he had a wonderful tenor voice, played the trumpet and piano well, and had quite a faith in God.  He was not LDS but a good christian guy.  There was just something about his eyes that to this day still makes me melt.  He had befriended me as he did with so many others.  I found myself at his house a time or two where we'd hang out and do music nerd stuff with the christian music he was passionate about.  His little brother was my age and in some of the same classes I was.  They were complete opposites in those days.  But I was drawn in by my high school crush.  When I found out their family was moving to Las Vegas I was heart broken.  It wasn't long after where my mom was diagnosed with cancer the year following loosing that battle.

I still think about what could have happened had I not been confined to the Mormon way of life.  In the years the passed I thought often about my first crush... what he was up to and whether or not he could have had any feelings for me as well.  Since the miracle of facebook he has become part of my gathering of friends and acquaintances.  I had figured that if our paths had ever crossed again that I would discover that he would be married and have a few kids.  But as with others, I remain perplexed by the guys that in their personal information only put that they are single.  No other mention as to if they are interested in men or women or what.  How many straight guys do we know that take full advantage of such a thing to advertise they are single and want a woman?  But there he is - just single.  So I have to secretly wonder could he be...  Sadly friending on facebook does not guarantee being able to strike up even a casual conversation with former friends.  I've thrown a couple of wall posts and private messages his way just curious to see where the last 12 years has led him, to no response.  Yet, I stop and wonder.  Should he ever come across this and figure it out I would be mortified and turn every shade of embarrassed color imaginable.  But then again...

Of course thinking so much about what might have been when I wasn't ready to come out leads me to contemplate what could be now that I'm ready.  And what I find hurting is now that I'm ready the opportunities I've had now seem to be gone.  My social circle of live interactions has shrunk to a party of one - me, myself, and I.  While I appreciate the connections I seem to be making online, nothing compares to getting to know people in real life.  We are social creatures after all.

Just last night and also this morning I was thinking about the fictitious love of my life, not my high school crush.  A few years ago I would have said that was with the girl I married only later to end up being divorced.  Some how God managed to bring her to me for the purposes of showing me a better path for myself.  Now I have to wait all over again to find the guy I should have been with from the start.

I have spent way too much time thinking about the first date and all the things I want to happen in a relationship that I've been craving for nearly 30 years but never getting.  It's worse than being hungry for a good steak and potatoes.  I have felt myself feeling desire for such a true relationship in every part of my body.  And my spirit aches to have that connection with someone.  My friend, my soul mate, my love.  Oh merciful and loving God don't make me wait too long.  Lead me to "the one."

Where I'm at [October Theme]

Following in other's lead a little blurb about where I'm at.  Since I only came out in March I'm not as far as many of you out in there in MoHo land.  I still live in the house my ex and I purchased.  She is still living there as well until we can get to a point to sell it.  Within a couple weeks of me coming out the ex decided to start dating an ex-roommate of ours (there's a story there I might share sometime) and they have been seeing each other for about 6 months. And yes I get to see it all.

As for me I've only been on one date - with a guy that is.  I learned a lot from that and have formed ideas in what sort of person I'm interested in.  Interestingly enough I don't fit in to any stereotypical gay category being a very straight acting personality that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and doesn't really fit in to the gay party/social scene.  So I am, as many ExMoHo's know about themselves, an oddity among oddities.

I've been doing huge quantities of reading and studying trying to get past both my crisis of identity and faith.  It's still slow going but reading the stories of others and helping others helps me.  Of course being very inactive and only working as a musician for other church's I don't feel like I really have a spiritual home.  I haven't yet requested my name be removed from LDS membership and it is something I am dreading actually following through on despite my hostile feelings towards Mormonism.

All the reading and watching nice "gay movies" like MILK, or Latter Days doesn't, however, make those feelings of loneliness and needing a personal and intimate relationship go away.  Sometimes it makes it worse.  Most nights I cry in to my pillow and praying that the painful part of this transition will be over soon and that I will find the true love of my life and that there will be a point where things will get better.  But I often feel that such prayers and yearnings fall on deaf ears.  I hate being alone and even after almost 30 years and a failed marriage I'm still waiting to find that person I fully connect with.  But for now all I can do is wait and hope that all of this pain and suffering is not in vain.

Where Can I Turn For Peace?

As my gay and MoHo circle of acquaintances and friends increases, seemingly daily, I am growing more concerned by a commonality that seems to go with many of theses wonderful people, especially with those in the gay Mormon community.  They seem to be fighting a war.  One that is concealed from general view but to those who have been there the battle is easily seen.  It is the fight for our selves and our identity after growing up in a world and faith that says we shouldn't exist and, being gay, certainly have no claims to heavenly salvation or the happiness and love to be found in this world.

While I don't necessarily know each of these individuals personally or nearly as well as I would like, I have come to see and learn the stories and struggles of some of these children of God. I have met the guy who is just realizing that Mormonism can not support him in being gay, or the one still trying to stay in the church and denounce his sexuality, or even the one married with a family.  They are all here seeking solace from a brutal reality and bearing a bruised spirit - but where do they find it when the one place that claimed to offer it to them turns their backs to those in need.  To where do they go to find peace with themselves?

I don't know what it is I can offer those that carry these burdens, and indeed they are.  I learned and I know that they can not be carried alone and I nearly lost my fight trying to do so.  I feel compelled to offer a hand of friendship to each one of my gay brothers and sisters willing to take it.  And to give a chance of hope and opportunity to all when none existed for me.  Be it an e-mail, text, phone call, conversation, or even a shoulder to cry on, I want to do my best to give hope where perhaps none existed.  I'm not sure why I even feel so driven to say any of this - but I feel like I can help and so I shall whenever I can.  My dear friends I reach out to you where ever you may be.  There are a few ways to reach me via this blog and my associated facebook page.  To those in the Seattle area I reach out further since I'm in the area.  Please don't feel like you have to go through life alone.  God does love and care for you and there are many in the world who love you and support you and many walking the journey alongside you.

My heart goes out to each and every one of you.  You are all in my prayers where ever you may be and what ever circumstance you may be challenged with... have hope... You are not alone!