Where I'm at [October Theme]

Following in other's lead a little blurb about where I'm at.  Since I only came out in March I'm not as far as many of you out in there in MoHo land.  I still live in the house my ex and I purchased.  She is still living there as well until we can get to a point to sell it.  Within a couple weeks of me coming out the ex decided to start dating an ex-roommate of ours (there's a story there I might share sometime) and they have been seeing each other for about 6 months. And yes I get to see it all.

As for me I've only been on one date - with a guy that is.  I learned a lot from that and have formed ideas in what sort of person I'm interested in.  Interestingly enough I don't fit in to any stereotypical gay category being a very straight acting personality that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and doesn't really fit in to the gay party/social scene.  So I am, as many ExMoHo's know about themselves, an oddity among oddities.

I've been doing huge quantities of reading and studying trying to get past both my crisis of identity and faith.  It's still slow going but reading the stories of others and helping others helps me.  Of course being very inactive and only working as a musician for other church's I don't feel like I really have a spiritual home.  I haven't yet requested my name be removed from LDS membership and it is something I am dreading actually following through on despite my hostile feelings towards Mormonism.

All the reading and watching nice "gay movies" like MILK, or Latter Days doesn't, however, make those feelings of loneliness and needing a personal and intimate relationship go away.  Sometimes it makes it worse.  Most nights I cry in to my pillow and praying that the painful part of this transition will be over soon and that I will find the true love of my life and that there will be a point where things will get better.  But I often feel that such prayers and yearnings fall on deaf ears.  I hate being alone and even after almost 30 years and a failed marriage I'm still waiting to find that person I fully connect with.  But for now all I can do is wait and hope that all of this pain and suffering is not in vain.

Where Can I Turn For Peace?

As my gay and MoHo circle of acquaintances and friends increases, seemingly daily, I am growing more concerned by a commonality that seems to go with many of theses wonderful people, especially with those in the gay Mormon community.  They seem to be fighting a war.  One that is concealed from general view but to those who have been there the battle is easily seen.  It is the fight for our selves and our identity after growing up in a world and faith that says we shouldn't exist and, being gay, certainly have no claims to heavenly salvation or the happiness and love to be found in this world.

While I don't necessarily know each of these individuals personally or nearly as well as I would like, I have come to see and learn the stories and struggles of some of these children of God. I have met the guy who is just realizing that Mormonism can not support him in being gay, or the one still trying to stay in the church and denounce his sexuality, or even the one married with a family.  They are all here seeking solace from a brutal reality and bearing a bruised spirit - but where do they find it when the one place that claimed to offer it to them turns their backs to those in need.  To where do they go to find peace with themselves?

I don't know what it is I can offer those that carry these burdens, and indeed they are.  I learned and I know that they can not be carried alone and I nearly lost my fight trying to do so.  I feel compelled to offer a hand of friendship to each one of my gay brothers and sisters willing to take it.  And to give a chance of hope and opportunity to all when none existed for me.  Be it an e-mail, text, phone call, conversation, or even a shoulder to cry on, I want to do my best to give hope where perhaps none existed.  I'm not sure why I even feel so driven to say any of this - but I feel like I can help and so I shall whenever I can.  My dear friends I reach out to you where ever you may be.  There are a few ways to reach me via this blog and my associated facebook page.  To those in the Seattle area I reach out further since I'm in the area.  Please don't feel like you have to go through life alone.  God does love and care for you and there are many in the world who love you and support you and many walking the journey alongside you.

My heart goes out to each and every one of you.  You are all in my prayers where ever you may be and what ever circumstance you may be challenged with... have hope... You are not alone! 

I'm trying to be like Jesus

Having had a couple of interesting interactions with some MoHo friends today I feel impressed to "give some hope." I have further thoughts I will add in a multi blog event this evening I'll start with this divine kernel of truth.  Those in the MoHo community who know it's source will be able to get something out of it - I hope.  Too much to say being so late in the work day I know I won't get it all in before quitting time.  To be continued...

I’m trying to be like Jesus;
I’m following in his ways.
I’m trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say.
At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,
But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers,

I’m trying to love my neighbor;
I’m learning to serve my friends.
I watch for the day of gladness when Jesus will come again.
I try to remember the lessons he taught.
Then the Holy Spirit enters into my thoughts, saying:

Chorus 
“Love one another as Jesus loves you.
Try to show kindness in all that you do.
Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,
For these are the things Jesus taught.”

Words and music: Janice Kapp Perry, b. 1938

Alone in the dark: Where is love?

I think I'll take a hiatus from my usual Mormon bashing just to show that their are other things I can do.  Even though further removing myself from the clutches the religion I was brought in to is therapeutic.

As is often the case I was doing some thinking last night about where things are going.  Or where they are not is probably more accurate.  Since coming out 6 months ago I have hoped that being honest with myself would make it easier to be real, approachable, and in general, faster to move on and find someone new to have a relationship with or at least explore with.

But yet It hasn't happened and I keep wondering why.  My ex had entered, or rather fell, in to a new relationship before we even signed the divorce papers.  Her answer to it was that although she "didn't want it," it was the wish of her heart.  While we could debate the merits of whether or not she wanted it since it was a relationship entered in to before the last one ended there was something to where it was going from the beginning. And there she is - with almost everything she could want in a boy friend.  Sure, it's not perfect but yet what is?  Things between the two of them are so swimmingly they spend at least every other day together out doing something, and when they aren't physically together they are constantly texting, and on the phone, or skype, or this that and the other.  I wonder if I should brace myself for them getting engaged now.


So as I lay in bed cuddling my pillow where a cute nice guy should be, with my arms wrapped around him, I shed silent tears mourning his absence.  And I ask myself, "don't I deserve the wish of my heart too, or is that only reserved for heteros."  Am I doomed to a life of loneliness now that I have found honesty with myself?

I find it amazing how passive aggressive the guys in this area are.  It seems many find me mildly attractive, but in the end it only seems to come down to one thing, the shallowness of online intimacy.  Practically none have the guts to pull the trigger to even go on a casual date.  Too many guys seem to be more interested in whether or not I'm naked and horny at the time while on gay.com then they are meeting up and seeing if there is genuine human connection.  I guess physicality comes cheaper than investing in a real relationship.  So I wonder further, will I find anyone worth while in the Puget Sound area - the gay capitol of the NW, or am I just another piece of trash in the streets of heart brokenness.

It hurts to see everyone else in a place where they have someone, and as if I was back in the immaturity of high school, there I am on the side lines shouting to the rest of the players "I'm open, pick me!"

It's almost as if I'm being punished not only for finally coming out to myself, but then for retaining some degree of standards and integrity.  While, sure I like sex as much as any guy, I'm not the sort to just go out and have one night stands until someone is interested enough in me to hang around.  After my last failed sham of a relationship I want the romance and the connection.  Sex is trite and meaningless with out it - an easy lesson learned from the last go around.

It is sad that so many cute guys also seem to have few standards.  I can't stand how many guys smoke like chimneys.  Aside from the fact its bad for you, my lungs just don't want anything to do with that.  And then there are the alcoholics and drug users.  Drinking "socially" and going out every other night and getting your booze on no longer makes you a social drinker.  It makes you a regular and probably one with not much of a bank account.  Trying alcohol never did anything for me so I have no interest in it whatsoever.  While I don't hold it against anyone for getting an adult beverage every once in a while, if it makes you an ass after the first glass - sorry, not interested.  Simply put drugs of any kind are an instant deal breaker - not interested!  Mostly because it would open a Pandora's box that I would rather not acknowledge.  That stuff will suck you in and never let go.  I have enough problems in life already with out having addiction thrown in on top.

It's funny that I would even be saying this but really I need to find myself a guy that grew up with the same standards I did.  I need myself a MoHo - or perhaps better yet an ExMoHo.  Someone that knows where I've come from having been raised in the church, served a mission, even the mistake of marriage, has values, morals, and integrity - without too many word of wisdom hang ups (gay sex and intimacy is not part of the word of wisdom BTW).  But I'm not interested in going back to the church - we all know where that ends for gay couples.  However the qualities I'm looking for in a cute nice guy do fall in line with at least some of the standards of the church - strangely enough.  And yet, I don't think it is a bad thing.  It actually gives me some degree of standards.

So the question is... am I peeing yet again in to an arctic wind or do I have a chance finding such a guy without moving to a hornets nest like Utah?  Is there anyone out there for me, or will I be cursed to a relationship with my pillow where surely there must be a guy in the world that could use my love more than a pillow needs my tears.  Being alone in the dark at night makes me ponder and dream and lament, where is my love?