White Knot

Come Home

Soon eyes will be turning to the State of Washington as we have our own version of California's Prop. 8 debacle.  While the opponents of preserving domestic partnership laws (which is what voting yes of Referendum 71 will do) take the stance this is about "preserving traditional marriage between a man and a woman," defeating this measure will nullify domestic partnership regardless of sexual orientation.

It is clear that the protect marriage camp is attempting to make this an anti gay issue.  With support from many anti gay churches and organizations this may be but a first attempt to return to the 1970's and push gays back in to the closet and out of society.  To those who still don't get it, gays are here to stay!

Professor Patrick M. Chapman, Ph.D. and author of "Thou Shalt Not Love: What Evangelicals Really Say to Gays"was guest speaker this month for Tacoma PFLAG. He discussed the origins of marriage in several cultures and how many other societies look at those of different sexual orientation or gender identity.  It was interesting to note that the US is actually one of the furthest behind western civilization world superpowers when it comes to gay rights.  He commented if a country like South Africa can have gay rights ahead of the US there is something terribly wrong with the country purported to have the most freedom.  And what is it preventing equality yet again in this great country of ours?  Yet again as it was for African Americans and many other minorities, it fear stirred up by religious conservatives.

Naturally the discussion at PFLAG went the discussion of how religion enters the picture as in many pacific island cultures those who we would label as gay are often put in to religious roles such as shaman and the like.  We heard about Professor Chapman's experience in a nondenominational church that outed him in front of the entire church while he was in the company of friends and students and was not out publicly.  Of course the church wanted to change, I mean "help" him.  The discussion  naturally led to Ref. 71.  Apparently the opponents of domestic partnership have released a new commercial with copyrighted images from the LDS church.  While I have not seen said commercial the comment was made that in all probability the Mormon church is quietly supporting the anti partnership platform.

To all of my gay brothers and sisters Mormon or not out there.  Get off your hindquarters and register to vote.  Allowing our rights to be taken away by the homophobic, the bigots, the misguided religious conservatives, or just the uninformed will allow the Anita Bryants of the 1970's to return to the 21st century to push us out of society.

Defend our freedom and vote that "all men are created equal and are given certain inalienable rights." 

Vote for all to keep their homes and their families safe from those seeking to destroy the family unit just because it is not like theirs.  Make your voice heard that the words of the constitution will never be erased or the words written at the base of the Statue of Liberty may forever beckon all to "come home."

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

A Prayer of Thanksgiving: "Have Hope"

Just watched Harvey Milk last night.  Yes I had a couple of tears at the end of that one too.  I'm such a ball of raw emotions these days.  But I needed to take a moment and just send thoughts of gratitude out for all of those in the "gay" world who have gone before us or are with us now trying to make the world a better place.  Most especially to those that gave their lives or some how lost theirs in the struggle to find themselves in this very uncertain world.  You are not forgotten.

For those like myself still trying to find their path or even just get their footing, or those that are uncertain about life or who they are and where they are going...  hang on my dear friends.  Together we can find our way.  None of us is alone.

While many just use the web for a one way means of expression I am going to go out on a limb and offer to be supportive and say to you get in touch with me via my facebook attached to this blog if you need a friend, someone to talk to, and even a shoulder to cry on should we be within driving distance.  We can share and should in each other's burdens and joys.  As Harvey said "have hope" my friends, have hope.
~S~

Conference Talk continued. I am madder than H-E double hockey sticks

I know. I'm such an apostate waiting as a wolf in sheep's clothing, I just can't leave the church alone can I.  Well my previous post was a little premature.  I spent much of Monday evening perusing the video of most of the sessions rather than sleeping.  Admittedly, the more I watched after seeing the buzz on various people's blogs from this or that general authority the angrier I got.  When I came across the link of the youtube clip of "Bring them from the plains" I just completely broke down and wept until about 1AM.  I was so broken down I had to write my still TBM dad and tell him how upset I was.

So I had brewing in my head yesterday a couple of responses.  Posting on youtube is so ridiculous with all of the TBM's patrolling every church clip and instantly reporting or voting down any response not favorable to the church.  But I like to publicly stir the pot so I keep doing it.

Now to "speak ill of the Lord's 'annointed.'"

M. Russell Ballard started to get my blood boiling.  And to use a prop (Hyrum Smiths BOM) from church vaults as if that some how validates the "truth" is nothing more than emotional blackmail.  Produce some golden plates for academia to look at and then we'll talk.  I hope some day I will get to meet Clark Johnsen and thank him for his courage in being out in the public with his thoughts on the church and being gay (and all the others out there for that matter).  I will use his line yet again here, "Truth needs no buttress."  A turned down page in the back of an old book owned by someone lawfully imprisoned and unfortunately shot for taking away the right to free speech does not in any way prove the truth of Mormonism one iota.

Elder Ballard in his chest beating conference talk suggested no one can leave the church with out dragging the BoM through the mud.  Or as he said walking over it, around it, through it, etc.  As if doing such a thing is only unique to Mormonism or somehow the persecution of this "poor abused church" like in civil war times still continues.  That just proves the church is true he implies while waving around a first edition BoM.

Since the BoM and Joe Smith are the keystones to the church how is it in any way surprising that people who believe the church to be false will not either directly or indirectly attack the church?  To think differently is a logical fallacy.  This goes back to the upside down house of cards in one of my earlier postings.  If all that is (ahem) "true" is built upon these two things of course they will be constantly attacked.  Especially when there is sufficient evidence to if not disprove at least call in to serious question the validity of Mormonism's claims of the Nephites etc., the Pearl of Great Price, and numerous other questionable "prophesies."

But this is no different for Mormonism than it would be to walk on Mary Baker Eddy if you were a Scientologist, or Luther and the small catechism, or Judaism and the Torah.  Suggesting that people only attack the Mormon church, it's founding leaders and doctrine is not only false but incredibly arrogant and ignorant.

Dallin H. Oaks - and his tip toeing around the "gay issue" while saying nothing more than than "those cohabitating outside of marriage" really got me going too.  Just come out and say it.  I guess they are afraid that it will make people gay or sinful if they use proper terminology.  His talking about following ALL of God's laws made me laugh.  Time to rescind mixed marriages, civil rights, and mixing fabrics (Leviticus) - uh oh would that mean you can wear the polyester garment top with the cotton bottoms? Hmmm.  Well if it's God's law.  Perhaps that part wasn't translated correctly either.

It's clear the general authorities of the church are fearing something.  The only thing I can suggest is that they are indeed losing ground and probably membership.  And as psychology tells us those that begin to lose control of those they wish to keep in control... the more adverse and desperate their plea to not upset the status quo increases.  Conference was full of that, as well as making members more fearful of the world outside of the church.  Keep those blinders on and you'll be happy.

I'll have to go on about the whole Elder Hafen garbage after I get a chance to really read it.

General Conference

Another LDS General Conference.  And yet again,  the same things being said by the same people.  So much for modern revelation.

Jeffery Holland beating his chest about how a page turned down in an old BOM proves the truth of the church.

Quentin Cook trying to bridge the gap of the Jewish community not so indirectly trying to get temple ordinances moving for Jews again after that major insensitive scandal in the church.  Lots of obvious inference in to purity and chastity.

Yadda yadda.

It's also not often the president of the church reminds the membership to keep the GA's in their prayers "we're all in this together."  Also, don't for get that as a member "to play your part well."  Things must not be going well in the church these days.  Such uneasiness in the leadership.  Not a lot of tranquility to be found in any talks given.  Very interesting.

Alone in the dark: Where is love?

I think I'll take a hiatus from my usual Mormon bashing just to show that their are other things I can do.  Even though further removing myself from the clutches the religion I was brought in to is therapeutic.

As is often the case I was doing some thinking last night about where things are going.  Or where they are not is probably more accurate.  Since coming out 6 months ago I have hoped that being honest with myself would make it easier to be real, approachable, and in general, faster to move on and find someone new to have a relationship with or at least explore with.

But yet It hasn't happened and I keep wondering why.  My ex had entered, or rather fell, in to a new relationship before we even signed the divorce papers.  Her answer to it was that although she "didn't want it," it was the wish of her heart.  While we could debate the merits of whether or not she wanted it since it was a relationship entered in to before the last one ended there was something to where it was going from the beginning. And there she is - with almost everything she could want in a boy friend.  Sure, it's not perfect but yet what is?  Things between the two of them are so swimmingly they spend at least every other day together out doing something, and when they aren't physically together they are constantly texting, and on the phone, or skype, or this that and the other.  I wonder if I should brace myself for them getting engaged now.


So as I lay in bed cuddling my pillow where a cute nice guy should be, with my arms wrapped around him, I shed silent tears mourning his absence.  And I ask myself, "don't I deserve the wish of my heart too, or is that only reserved for heteros."  Am I doomed to a life of loneliness now that I have found honesty with myself?

I find it amazing how passive aggressive the guys in this area are.  It seems many find me mildly attractive, but in the end it only seems to come down to one thing, the shallowness of online intimacy.  Practically none have the guts to pull the trigger to even go on a casual date.  Too many guys seem to be more interested in whether or not I'm naked and horny at the time while on gay.com then they are meeting up and seeing if there is genuine human connection.  I guess physicality comes cheaper than investing in a real relationship.  So I wonder further, will I find anyone worth while in the Puget Sound area - the gay capitol of the NW, or am I just another piece of trash in the streets of heart brokenness.

It hurts to see everyone else in a place where they have someone, and as if I was back in the immaturity of high school, there I am on the side lines shouting to the rest of the players "I'm open, pick me!"

It's almost as if I'm being punished not only for finally coming out to myself, but then for retaining some degree of standards and integrity.  While, sure I like sex as much as any guy, I'm not the sort to just go out and have one night stands until someone is interested enough in me to hang around.  After my last failed sham of a relationship I want the romance and the connection.  Sex is trite and meaningless with out it - an easy lesson learned from the last go around.

It is sad that so many cute guys also seem to have few standards.  I can't stand how many guys smoke like chimneys.  Aside from the fact its bad for you, my lungs just don't want anything to do with that.  And then there are the alcoholics and drug users.  Drinking "socially" and going out every other night and getting your booze on no longer makes you a social drinker.  It makes you a regular and probably one with not much of a bank account.  Trying alcohol never did anything for me so I have no interest in it whatsoever.  While I don't hold it against anyone for getting an adult beverage every once in a while, if it makes you an ass after the first glass - sorry, not interested.  Simply put drugs of any kind are an instant deal breaker - not interested!  Mostly because it would open a Pandora's box that I would rather not acknowledge.  That stuff will suck you in and never let go.  I have enough problems in life already with out having addiction thrown in on top.

It's funny that I would even be saying this but really I need to find myself a guy that grew up with the same standards I did.  I need myself a MoHo - or perhaps better yet an ExMoHo.  Someone that knows where I've come from having been raised in the church, served a mission, even the mistake of marriage, has values, morals, and integrity - without too many word of wisdom hang ups (gay sex and intimacy is not part of the word of wisdom BTW).  But I'm not interested in going back to the church - we all know where that ends for gay couples.  However the qualities I'm looking for in a cute nice guy do fall in line with at least some of the standards of the church - strangely enough.  And yet, I don't think it is a bad thing.  It actually gives me some degree of standards.

So the question is... am I peeing yet again in to an arctic wind or do I have a chance finding such a guy without moving to a hornets nest like Utah?  Is there anyone out there for me, or will I be cursed to a relationship with my pillow where surely there must be a guy in the world that could use my love more than a pillow needs my tears.  Being alone in the dark at night makes me ponder and dream and lament, where is my love?

Smoke and Mirrors: The house of cards

Already I find myself making lot of new friends via this humble little corner of the blog-o-sphere.  It is amazing how like mindedness ends up pulling complete strangers together.  I'm nearly in the last third of my book by Martha Beck, Leaving the Saints.  I had not realized until last night that she was a daughter of Hugh Nibley the legendary defender of Mormon theological virtue, I mean 'truthfulness.'

I was thinking last night what the adoring LDS fans would think of Hugh if they knew that most of his "scholarly work" defending the structures of mormonism were a complete and udder fake.  Nearly all of the annotations and footnotes were mostly made up by a nutty, yet in a brilliant sort of way man.  Perhaps he was trying to repent of the sexual abuse inflicted on his children by running to the church's defense when the Egyptian Paparyi were rediscovered - the so called "Book of Abraham."  The book of Joseph Smith making it up yet again.

When the truth about the scrolls came to light, that they were nothing more than Egyptian burrial rites, and not another revelation from God to Joe BlowSmith about Abraham, the church must have spent millions trying to squelch a "non faith promoting fact."  Like Clark Johnsen, our own stripping warrior says, "truth needs no buttress.'' I just love that saying.  Clark is a genius with this kernel of truth!  The fact that Joe Smith's story telling, I mean "translation" didn't even come close to the real thing is proof enough to the forgery known as Mormonism.  You don't need non existent gold plates to realize that not only did he not have an ability to translate, divinely or otherwise, the plates never existed beyond JS own mind.

And what of the testimonies of the other witness you ask?  They are just as forced and falsified as many of those who get up in fast and testimony meeting every month.  I know mine was and I am always part of the average majority.  Being an exception to the rule is indeed nice every now and then.

So it got me to thinking about how the church came about.  Really it did start just like a cult.  But now it is a really large one.  One that has been around just long enough to have some degree of religious plausibility and credibility.

I'm a firm believer that JS had some mental issues, especially by today's standards of mental health.  Yes, he was dripping with woo abilities and charisma - the only reason the church got going to begin with - but as many brilliant people are regardless of their education, he was nuts.

No prophet since the dawn of creation has seen God in person - because as we learn in the bible the radiance of God would destroy all unclean things.  Of course JS was also unbaptized by "proper priesthood" rite and past the Mormon coveted "age of accountability." He was, as we all are, a sinner.  That right there would negate him ever seeing God let alone a resurrected Christ with God.  And I don't care who you are or where you come from but to put yourself above a prophet as great as Moses who only saw a fragment of God's radiance in the form of a burning bush?  And as a boy in back water NY county who would find plates of gold that never existed?  The whole thing is as crazy as Hugh Nibley's life long defense of it.

Really there is one miracle going on with in the walls of Mormonism that just can't be explained other than the miracle of modern medicine.  The age of the breatheren that run this wizard of oz show.  And yes there is a man behind the curtain - and there is with each new president of the church.  And those that follow it are as silly as Dorothy, the tin man, the scarecrow, and the lion for thinking the wizard was so great and powerful.  But even the most intelligent on the earth can be deceived.  However, even Dorothy in her simple and inquisitive way had the courage to look behind the curtain, and the truth was revealed to her.  Most in the midst of Mormon culture and resulting mental control won't even approach that veil to see what is really behind it.

As I realized last night Mormonism is an upside down house of cards.  It doesn't matter if the first card is the Book of Mormon or it's author Joe Smith since it is the same starting place.  But it is no wonder why a faith must have the staff and legal counsel as LDS Inc. does.  With out such devoted people to be constantly putting out fires and hiding the truth and history in the church vaults up in Witch Mountain, the "faith" would have ended the moment the bullet hit Smith.  Joseph was smart to have such loyal lineage to follow in his footsteps.  But just as soon as something comes to weaken that first card the bloodhounds are on it to hush it up faster than you can say pestilence.

But try as one might to kick out that first card, there are, unfortunately, too many people to hold the rest of the upside down house of cards from the top.  Too many who have much at stake to let even a false church collapse.  The mass suicides that would happen if the church crumbled to the ground would indeed make the heavens weep.  I don't think that God, assuming God does indeed exist, would let that happen, even to a large cult such as Mormonism.  How said it is that the mind control keeps you in ignorant bliss - and all of that control, I mean obedience, from the simplest tool of the devil... fear.

Those who are fascinated with the "plan of salvation" will recall that only Satan wanted their to be no choice in finding God and happiness.  Blind obedience is casting aside, free agency.  How that must delight Lucifer to not have to force people to give up their ability to choose, but to have them give it and everything else they are or possess freely and gladly in belief it is the will of an angry God.  But it is not to God they give things, but all of their time talents etc, to "The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints for building the kingdom.."  Not to God but a church run by men.

I am no longer afraid. I am not afraid of myself.  I am not afraid of the church that took all that I thought I was but wasn't. And best of all I'm not afraid of my God and creator.  When we are not afraid of it truth can be revealed.