Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Of worthlessness and sour grapes

Like the tide things ebb and flow, advance and recede, get better then get worse.  Its as if life is nothing but a permanently swinging pendulum that we are permanently attached to.  Just as soon as I think things are getting better, that there is a point to moving forward, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, something comes along and shatters that fragile and mildly naive notion that things will be okay.

The other day I had an acquaintance point out to me that I was the only one with in my broad spectrum of friends around the country who wasn't either engaged, married, or seeing someone.  Two of my dear gay friends within a couple weeks of each other became engaged to their boyfriends, several other friends who had resigned themselves to being single are now very happy in new solid relationships.

Usually my reaction to those events is positive and supportive.  There are times where I question the maturity of being in a committed relationship to the point where one is engaged but making that an open relationship at the same time.  I wonder what, then, is the point in calling it "engaged" or anything.  None the less I am at least in some degree happy for those who find someone they are compatible with and decide to make a go at a long term relationship.

Normally this would be where the "but" of the subject would be.  Perhaps it still is and I'm just trying to couch it in less derogatory terms.  While the words of my acquaintance were merely observation which happened to be true they didn't strike home until last week.  It's not like I'm not dating.  On the contrary I've been trying rather hard to meet new people and when it seems right see where things go.  Admittedly things are not moving along as I hope and pray that they would.  So much for the power of prayer! I haven't been on a respectable date in months, and the chats and involvement of people interested in me as a dating opportunity have vanished.  Am I old news already?

The real coup de gras came when the last wonderful guy I was seeing and trying so hard to cultivate a relationship with changed his facebook status.  Really its fascinating how we as human beings hang on the status of people more online than offline.  The guy who flat out told me he how much he liked me and was attracted to me, etc.. but didn't want to be in a serious relationship, is now in an official relationship that he publicly acknowledges with everyone and seems to be newly happy in it.  Really I was shocked as he was the last person I would have expected to be in a serious relationship.  Ironically he was also the last person numerically in my circle to no longer be "intentionally" single.  I'm the last single and available vestige in my peer group, and it doesn't feel good to be last yet again!

When you put the observations of one individual with the actions of another you had feelings for but it doesn't work out, you can't help but question your validity or self worth.  In nearly every dating case I've had, how few they are,  I've been nothing but the warm-up act, or the play thing for those who aren't ready to commit themselves.  Honestly it pisses me off.  It seems I am the most undesirable person to have anything more than a "fling" with.  I just don't get it.  Is it because I have two stable jobs, an education, a home, a car, no diseases or addictions and I'm actually ready to settle down that scares people off? Is "loser" permanently displayed somewhere on my person and I haven't noticed?  Its like being in middle school and having a "kick me" sign inconspicuously hanging somewhere all the while I'm wondering why I'm being kicked.

What is it about me now that makes people treat me like I have the plague or something?  Admittedly I'm not the hunk always running around with a shirt off while doing my 6 miles a day but sheesh, there are much fuglier guys getting the relationships.  One of my dear friends I do the music thing with, the sweetest guy and the most beautiful voice is getting hit on by the hottest 20 somethings around - going on dates with the more worth while of those and he is, shall we say, quite the large fellow.

I want so badly to fill in the final piece of my puzzle it cripples me.  Too often are the days lately where I show up at work and hide for a couple hours while I sob quietly in a quiet corner.  Aren't we all deserving of that one connection with one person? Dammit it's my turn now!

I give up!!  I can't do this anymore.  I think I'll just hide under my bed and cry for a while.