Saturday, December 24, 2011

Another lonely season

One would think that after several years that having a blue Christmas would only get easier, that yes, "It gets better."  I seem to find myself in the same position year after year grasping to some naive hope that sooner or later things have to change for the good.  But each year that goes by only confirms that no, I don't get any special favors from the deity at large or any return on all the positive karma I put out in to the universe.  As I often seem to find myself writing, fortune favors all but me.  I no longer look for anything under the Christmas tree (which I don't have) except for a small hope to find a guy who loves me for who I am and I love him for who he is.  I wonder how many more years will go by with that empty space under my lonely tree.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

One house, house forsale, its going cheap...

Yes the house of shame is finally up for short sale.  Going at a steal.  Piles and piles of boxes at my new place and no time to unpack with all of the out of town work.  Summer will be over before I get a chance to acknowledge it and I doubt I'll be able to get any Fall planning done.  What to do.

I just hope this ends up being a good move.  So many firsts with this one, and I'll admit it, I'm a little terrified.  I try to buoy myself with the idea that living in the city will present new opportunities.  Especially with my currently non-existent love life.  While there is always room for improvement in the career, being single is the only thing I continue to be extremely unsatisfied and unfulfilled with.  With all these changes may that also change.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Life moves on


I'm moving up to the big city. Hello Seattle and a much nicer commute by foot!  Come visit.

Monday, April 11, 2011

When its your time

We never know how long we will have on the planet before our gig is up. With frightening regularity I find myself having to explain my anxiety about partnering up and settling down. Desiring a partner "at my age" is apparently the anti-sterotype in the gay world.  I've alluded on some small level as to why that is here but I'm not sure that I've really come out and explained it.  Aside from my still reoccurring dreams that plague me on a regular basis I was talking about this to a guy on A4A today.  We were lamenting our inability to find guys interested in more than just coffee on a first meeting.  I mentioned that I doubt love will ever be in the cards for me and like most nice guys he said "oh but of course you'll find someone, your attractive, intellectual and can hold a conversation unlike 85% of the gay populous.. more importantly you want to share your life with someone."  But he was curious where my angst came from and I shared with him the rest.

Not many have the ability to look in to a crystal ball and see what may be.  This isn't something I've ever publicly shared but I am one of the unfortunate few that can.  It is one of the weightier spiritual gifts I've carried with me and until now kept rather quiet about it only a couple people know and they have told me I am according to biblical parlance a "prophet" just as others have gifts of speaking or interpreting in tongues.  Now I don't use an actual crystal ball but I do see things as snapshots, markers in time based upon certain outcomes.  I often see things as a big picture first followed by the smaller events that must first occur in order to get to the big picture.  Certainly it is something that could be abused if used unwisely but more often than not it scares the shit out of me. 

Its rare when I have the ability to see anything for myself personally.  It may be a good thing actually.  But the one event I keep trying to avoid is my own inevitable mortality.  Now I don't really fear death. I have faced and foreseen the death of a loved one.  I have even looked death squarely in the eyes while battling suicidal desires. Its the one thing I want to be able to change or alter in some fashion.  Its also the one thing I can't get a clear vision on.  Its always surrounded by a sort of digital snow where only a few frames of a scene pop in and out.  But what little I can gather gives me great anxiety about my future.  In some respects its like what happens in the Spielberg series Taken about the aliens and their interaction with humans.  You see all your memories and all your fears in addition to all your future faults in such a way that you realize your whole life is really nothing but a mine field and there is no safe route.  Just as Harvey Milk had the innate sense he wouldn't make it to 50, I have strong reservations that I will make it to 45.  With what little I have to go on I also get the sense it will be incredibly lonely.  Time and time again I get the impression I will never get to know genuine, intimate, reciprocal love in its truest form with a partner before I depart this earthly sphere.  I don't believe I will find anyone willing to be in a relationship.  As I have done in other situations I knew the outcome could be changed, I keep hoping that what I see for myself can be changed.  But so far nothing has.  It would seem I have no power to alter my own destiny in this regard.  It frustrates, angers, and depresses me that everything for me will in fact be in vain if things stay on course.

My anxiety in trying to find any chance at love is in hope that maybe what I see as my future can in fact be changed if not by myself perhaps by someone not originally in the initial equation.  It gives me a great deal of motivation.  Who truly wants to lead a lonely life however long it may be?  Not I!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Forward looking, or forever cursed

So what do you do when you don't know what to do anymore? I have found myself doing lots of thinking about my personal life lately and seeing where others find themselves going, most with great success, while I'm stuck on the sidelines.  I've tried more dating sites than I care to admit.  I've had a casual fling here and there.  Even met guys through mutual friends or through various activies and organizations and chance meetings.  The problem isn't me not liking them, but them not really being interested in me.  Am I really that hideous and such a loser that everyone is just way too polite to say so?  Maybe I have consistently bad luck in picking unavailable men that I'm not "supposed" to be attracted to.  So far the majority of my hopefuls have fit in to the category of nice masculine guys that think they want big, burly, yet submissive (aka bottom) and hairy/bear type guys.  Hair is one thing I do have, and a number of other admirable physical qualities, but I will never be any of the rest that seems to be what the guys I find myself attracted to want.  Oh what to do...

I've also noticed through the course of my being out that it seems these days one can't even go on a legit date anymore.  Now you have to do all of this preliminary "hanging out" before you can go on an official date preceded by lots of online chating, IMing, texting... and only after one has decided they might be attracted to you will you get to make an "official date," provided preceding hanging out has already taken place. It seems a lot of guys these days are just this way.  And when you do meet up, you start finding out that who they are really attracted to is a far cry from who you are. Then you learn their prequalifications for "the right guy" and when you think that this person they are describing fits you to the letter you start to realize that truly nice guys never win. Fellas, and you can't figure out why y'all are still single?  Hello...who can compete with standards and situations like that?  It's almost insulting to any human being to live up to a fictitious person, and run every possible piece of dating material through an unending gauntlet of intention-less activities.

Some might accuse me of just wanting to rush in to it , but let's face it, if you really are interested in me and not just being buddies/friends you will be interested in some degree of physical contact or affirmation of mutual interest.  I'm not asking for all out make out sessions with in the first several encounters, but a gentle touch on the back, or a hand on the knee or arm, or a brief holding of a hand for a moment signifies interest.  If you don't reciprocate with a small amount of "touchy feely-ness" or even eye contact how is one to ever know if you are interested?  For god's sake if you really are looking for a relationship don't be so shy as to never take a risk even with a casual touch.

I really don't know why I subject myself to the constant defeat of all this anymore.  Every month and year that goes by it just becomes more painfully clear to me that no-one gives a shit about me as someone worthy of having a relationship with.  Too many like to offer their back handed support of "just hang in there" or "You're a cute nice guy who'll meet someone soon" and other such BS as if it is supposed to make me feel better.  I'm tired of getting kicked in the mud.  And I often wonder if I would have been better off meeting with that on coming train I was spared from 2 years ago.  Maybe God does make mistakes.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Ok, I admit it... I like the show.  The Glee world is a buzz over finally getting what they wanted, Kurt and Blaine to kiss.  Isn't it what we all want for those of us true to our identities... to get our true love.  While musically the soul is worked out of the show with the extensive over production even though I think several of the cast have the chops to pull off a song with out the auto tune.  Darren Criss (Blaine) who I was aware of long before glee via youtube and the "A Very Potter Musical" and other Starkid shows certainly doesn't need technology to sound good.  Really its kind of remarkable since I saw those youtube shows around the time I came out.  To see Criss in a rather gay show, while he isn't himself, is kind of a unique full circle moment for me.

In any case the show does have something to say and it's all on the surface.  No reading between lines... Really we're all losers trying to find our way and a place where we fit in and maybe finding love along the way.  Why not do it with a song or two.  It will be interesting to see where it goes, probably nothing unpredictable.  But my heart does go pitter pat when I get to see cute gay love.  And I ask, when is my turn?

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Another Lonely B-day

Lonely Birthday
In sitting alone
With a tear strolling down my face
And i think to myself
Why me?
There's no one to talk to
And no one to cry to
Why one of the days i should be happiest

My birthday

I sit in despair
Waiting for someone to rescue me
From all this pain i hide beneath
But no more can i pretend
That life isn't hurting me
No one to trust
And I'm never good enough

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A tad bit of my creative side

I'm always a little reluctant to share my creative side but I found this little gem waiting further attention. Here we have a poem I wrote a little over 2 months after coming out to my ex... 21 days later was my 2nd major suicide attempt. They were very dark days indeed. At the time I immediately began setting the text to music SATB + Piano. It got dark enough where I had to walk away from finishing the piece. But I'm considering picking it up again after all this time.

The Tree
SMH 5/8/09

The frozen earth in stillness lies,
Dark and wint'ry in the night
A fruitless tree stands amidst the snow
While pale moon beams send their light.

There was a time in Springs gone by
The tree did abundantly share.
Now frost and cold reign for a season
Once laden branches are now desolate and bare.

A master gardener once pruned the tree,
And it became more choice above all others.
Where some had withered, died, or wild they became,
Not this tree, its fruit was the most desired of its brothers.

Yet time labored on
And no gardener came.
To tend to this noble tree
That it might still produce the same.

Summer’s light to Autumn’s falling leaves,
And not once to the tree did one tend.
Its toils and its troubles
Requiring the touch of a master to mend.

A season of neglect and decay
Quickly make a tree grow wild
Much work it will take from a master’s hand
To once again bring forth fruit undefiled.

Winter’s grasp will thaw into spring
Ending existence in bitter cold and strife.
The warmth returns as does the gardener
Bringing with it a chance for new life.

Monday, February 7, 2011

I've finally done it

Now before anyone gets their hopes up in regards to my personal life... Sorry I have to continue to disappoint you there. I'm still waiting for the next dating experience to rekindle my hopes that its even worth getting out of bed in the morning.

Now what have I done you may ask? Well I finally had the gall to send in my resignation to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I didn't take the usual route instead finding an e-mail of an individual working in the membership records department and created a short little form letter following the model of others who had done the same thing.

I did that on Jan.1 2011 and chronicled it here at The Mormon Watchdog as part of a new venture I will be undertaking from time to time. The opportunity of conveying thoughts in spoken rather than typed form seems even more cathartic.

It seemed a worth while new year's resolution to finally go through with it all. The corporate institution that has become synonymous with Mormonism is becoming an ever increasingly hostile place and since I will never be going back to it officially getting out of it only seemed to make sense.

Many people who leave the church out of either extreme duress or just personal choice often report a sense of relief and peace. When I had no such release it naturally warranted further investigation. Perhaps because I was using it as a bit of a media device, or, GASP, did I still have favorable feelings for the church? And then it occurred to me that I had genuinely left the church long ago and hence the lack of noticeable fulfillment.

It has been over a month and no response or acknowledgment from any church official. My small experiment of trying to avoid the church's intentionally difficult hoops has not yet succeeded. Should nothing result in the near future I may end up taking the more conventional route and being far more aggressive in demanding an appropriate response.

While I will save some of my fodder of "anti-mormon" propaganda for another day or my show I continue to be affirmed that Mormonism is neither the church of God nor Jesus Christ. It is and continues to be the very thing its founder created - one of ambitious falsehoods intentionally perpetuated to deceive those not willing to fight for that which really is truth.

What makes Mormonism so successful is not that it bears a message of any sort of truth but those who are sympathetic to its message are apathetic to God's genuine truth as revealed in Christ Jesus. Mormonism is neither just nor supports justice. It is not passionate neither does it exude compassion. It embraces love as little as it loves those in its embrace. It is a trap in life's fog of the unsuspecting, the non vigilant, the apathetic, those who seek an easy formulaic way out of mortality so as to be endowed with the same powers God is purported to have.

My dear friends this is not the good news of Jesus Christ. He came not to add to the law and make you waste your lives doing unending "ordinances for the living and the dead." He came to fulfill the law. It is grace through faith that saves us and not "obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel (aka just saying yes to corporate Mormonism)."

While indeed being a former LDS person has poisoned my hope that God even exists it seems to reason the least that I can do for my gay breathren is say... Get out of "the church." It needs you less than it wants you. Don't squander your light under the bushel basket of Joseph Smith's fervent imagination. Place your light on the light stand that it may give light to the house. Some may indeed be called to course correct the errancy of Mormonism by letting their light shine with in it that the LDS people may become part of the true body of Christ. Only you will know if that is indeed what God has placed before you as your path. For you my fellow homos my prayers of God's richest peace, abundance, and ample portions of his divine revealing spirit. They will be tough times for you. My call was elsewhere in the masters vineyard preparing a way for those seeking a better way.

For those who do not have this charter upon their heart and spirit... get out! Leave it be. Let those who are called work the fields and burn the chaff of inequity. The rest of the world needs your gifts and talents and most certainly your love. Don't squander it by burying it in the infertile soil of the LDS institution. Let the living waters of the true Christ given on the cross grow your gifts. We need you where you can fulfill your measure of who you were created to be.

Have courage in that which is just and right and not that which is deceptive and false. Yes the elect have indeed been deceived... have the strength to realize you may have been one of them. I certainly was. Yet there is a wideness in God's mercy that even Thomas S. Monson will never be able to comprehend. There is a love that even Dallin H. Oaks or Boyd K. Packer will never come to fathom.

Bring your pioneer spirit to where it really needs to be and find true joy!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

What once was is no longer

At the beginning of the new year I had the thought of making my first post for 2011 a confessional of sorts. Just air all of my dirty laundry, wash it, and get it folded back up ready to be dirtied up again this year. Then it occurred to me that, despite the fact really this is personal therapy I happen to let people read... really everyone else in the world has enough of their own problems and is probably only interested in my droning only as a basis of comparison to their lives and what is or isn't going the way they'd like. I guess what I'm saying is that the likelihood of anyone caring is minimal... Of course it was never a prerequisite for this blog for anyone to even subscribe for me to keep it going. Its kind of shocking anyone bothered.

But truth be told, the only reason I do anything in the public sphere anymore is for somewhat selfish means. I'll admit it. The only thing that keeps me out from under my inconspicuous rock of self pity is the fact I want a relationship. That's all any of it is about really. None of my 12 online profiles scattered about the gay world have got me squat in the 2 years I've been on this roller coaster. Sure if all I wanted out of life was meaningless sex I could have plenty of that until I'm too old to have it. And truth be told I've tried to just "get it out of my system" and yeah I've had a few random hook ups... since many purport everyone has a phase where they just want sex all the time. Well I guess that everyone excluded me too.

There is nothing more shallow and hallow than meaningless sex, even if your attracted to the person. Every time I found myself thinking "if only I was more this person's type we might have a great relationship." But this way of life is no more fitting for me than hanging out at the gay bars and clubs. The music is nice but who cares when no one wants to dance with you.

I took my ex out to dinner the other day. I owed her for helping me out over the holiday with some performances. We also needed to chat about some things she suggested. She was exploring the idea of having her boyfriend move in because he needed a place etc. but didn't have much money. Of course that one isn't going to go far until I can have a live in boyfriend myself. But I found myself saying somewhat to her surprise that if I had know then how difficult it was going to be trying to find some joy in my authentic gay self I may never have done so.

Now I don't mean to be a gloomy gus, but none of this has been easy for me. I don't fit in to a single stereotype in which to make it easier for many other homos. I'm also not the toned, 120lb, 22 year old hunk I once was. Some of you young or gym obsessed guys have it much easier. All you have to do is lift your shirt or flex and you have dudes burning up your phone with texts asking you out.

Its been over a year since I was last asked out or found someone willing to go out with me. And it has been an entire years worth of rejection after rejection. There was a time where I would say I can tough out anything... but not anymore. It's taken its toll on me and I'm at the end of wanting to go through anymore. I can't take any more emotionally and expect my health to remain stable.

Despite it being the 2 year anniversary of my coming out, I'm one of the unfortunate few who have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel that others exclaim can be found. I've managed to come full circle rather quickly in 2 years from despair to hope to utter hopelessness. Maybe it gets better for everyone else, but I'm done expecting it to for me.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A Fascinating one here

For what ever reason I'm drawn like a moth to flames with things like this.  I guess this is a work in progress since the actual show isn't there yet.  With such an epic movie trailer like beginning I'll be watching for what might actually be coming.  Somewhat provocative I think