Friday, November 20, 2009

Giving Thanks or ?

In talking with some of my fellow MoHomies I find it fascinating that some have such and optimistic outlook on life.  Especially some of the ones that are in some difficult situations as I once was.  In one particular chat on Facebook I was groaning how the holidays this year are probably going to be the worst ever.  Things are usually bad enough as I remember the anniversary of my mom's death (12 years come Dec. 1).  But this year I get to add to that the additional angst of having been through a rough bout with finding myself, attempted suicide, business issues, divorce, seeing an ex move on before the divorce, and being very alone.

When my dad called to extend the invitation of being on the other side of the mountains for Thanksgiving at their house I was a little apprehensive.  With all that has gone on this year I'm not in very much of a festive, let alone grateful mood.  Especially with a 3.5 hour drive just to get there.  Perhaps sensing my reluctance my dad sweetened the deal a little by saying "you're also welcome to bring a 'special' friend  if you want."  Now the gesture in and of itself is huge coming from my still very LDS dad.  Yet at the same time it felt more like a knife in my back now that I no longer have anyone to share my life with.  The odds of my status going from single and available to happily taken are not likely to change any time soon short of a miracle occurring.  God if you're up there are you listening?

So it just added to my weight of the holiday season.  It's bad enough feeling the loneliness in and of itself with out adding an entirely new helping of personal guilt for not being "good enough" for anyone to even go on a date with.  In talking with Good to be free we were going on about how being gay is difficult enough but being (ex) Mormon and gay makes and already small pool of fish evaporate almost entirely.  Since there are plenty of us who don't smoke or drink, and aren't interested in the one night stands (although even then I'm feeling myself wanting to slip there too), it places with us a certain stigma in the community for not being "stereotypically gay."  So what is a poor lost boy to do?  I have no answers but I would love for Santa to leave me a boyfriend for Christmas.  It's the only thing on my list this year.

Monday, November 16, 2009

A new post. Man on a mission Chapter 4: Latter Days

Another installment on my other blog has been posted.  For now this brings things up to date.  Not exactly light or short reading but it is what it is.  It almost saddens me that there isn't more to write other than keep up on personal events.  Perhaps this is just a natural evolution but I hope there will more to write in my adventures.  If nothing else may my journey be be able to help those who have just started theirs.  To them may they learn from my mistakes.

Happy reading.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Did you know?

I had no idea you could become the President of the LDS church and not have served a mission.  How amazing is that?  Despite every previous president's admonition that all worthy must do so....





On November 10, 2009 several highly placed people featured in the upcoming documentary film 8: THE MORMON PROPOSITION were contacted by well-placed people inside the Mormon Church in anticipation of an "historic statement against discrimination" to be made by the Mormon Church. 

They were told, "Watch what we are about to do. You will be pleased."  
At this hour gays and lesbians all over the world hope that the Mormon Church's announcement will not be yet another Mormon public relations smoke screen and result in action that will result in full marriage equality for the LGBT community world-wide. 

Since the release of the trailer for 8: THE MORMON PROPOSITION, intense scrutiny has been focused on Mormon involvement in the passage of Proposition 8 and allegations that the Mormon Church set up the infamous NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR MARRIAGE which was the key player in Maine's recent ban on gay marriage.  
Sources close to those who called our cast and production team alerting us to the upcoming Mormon statement on discrimination say that Mormon Mitt Romney has recently put pressure on his own church to extend an olive branch to the gay community to try and deflate the anticipated negative press that will come from the release of 8: THE MORMON PROPOSITION that would likely damage his hope for a successful 2012 presidential bid. 

Ironically (and we suspect in step with the Mormon's anticipated statement on discrimination) Mormon-owned KSL TV released an article on their web site saying "Romney appears to be front-runner in 2012 election."; 
While the 8:TMP team hopes Mormons end their game of discrimination against the LGBT community and wishes to work with people of all faith traditions to end discrimination, we would like to assert the following.  
FACT: Under similar international scrutiny, Mormon leaders have in the past made similar statements regarding being against discrimination directed towards minorities & the LGBT COMMUNITY.  
FACT: Gay leaders in SLC begged Mormon leaders to back up their statements on ending discrimination against the LGBT commmunity, through Mormon support for their COMMON GROUND initiative.  
FACT: Despite lip service, Mormons did not get behind the COMMON GROUND INITIATIVE and in fact worked to see the initiative's defeat.  
FACT: Despite lip service to people of color, the holiest book of Mormon scripture THE BOOK OF MORMON still refers to people of color as being "CURSED WITH A DARK SKIN, FILTHY AND LOATHSOME."  
FACT: Despite lip service to people of color, printings of MORMON DOCTRINE by beloved Mormon Apostle Bruce R. Mcconkie, assert African Americans are "marked" for not being fully behind the plan of Jesus Christ in a pre-earth life war in Heaven.  
FACT: A Mormon spokesperson told 8TMP's director "this is all about public relations and making the church look good." 
In conclusion, as Mormon heavy-hitters prepare for the so-called "historic announcement" our team would encourage Mormons to put their money and their membership by doing the following:  
1. Severing all Mormon ties to the NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR MARRIAGE, which works to rob the LGBT COMMUNITY of their civil rights.  
2. Directing an amount of money equal to Mormon money spent in California's Prop. 8 campaign to LGBT marriage equality.  
3. Removing from all Mormon canonized scripture any reference to people of color as being "cursed or marked with a dark skin" or being "filthy and loathsome."  
4. Ask Mormon Apostle Dallin H. Oaks to retract his recent teachings on LGBT "alleged civil rights" and affirm that LGBT rights are not "alleged" but deserved and long overdue.  
Our production team and cast await the day when Mormons will work with the LGBT community not only with their words, but their money and their members to achieve FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY. This is the only way to truly advocate for the end of discrimination against ALL PEOPLE. Anything else is lip-service.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

A repost from my facebook with some value added comentary. I couldn't resist

I just cannot believe how some have to keep telling lies.  I found this on the anti-gay 'protect "marriage" wa' website (I will not post a like to give them more hits) after a whiny and lengthy diatribe complaining about them wanting all of the names that signed the petition to put R 71 on the ballot kept secret.  I'll only repost the key item they wrote at the bottom of their most recent post.

Friday November 6, 2009

The results of the November 2009 election in Washington remain too close to call. 

Too close to call with pretty much all the ballots in hand and most of them counted!?!?!  You have to be frakin' kidding me!!! Get your divisive self righteous heads out of your behinds and look at the numbers.  The math doesn't lie.  1 + 1 still does equal 2 although I'm sure a number of literalist Christian conservatives would like to change this truth as well.

Clearly these people have no idea how elections work.  The voting margins have been set it, is clear how people are voting in each county, and the people have spoken.  Admittedly this is not a land slide in favor of gay rights outside of King county, but still, the majority has spoken in a vote by the people.  As the votes were coming in and "approve R-71" maintained a lead the anti-gay group were asking the Christians of the state to "pray - in" a "reject" victory (because all good Christians are apparently anti-gay rights since, "the Bibles says..." and therefore God is on their side) my sick ex-Mormon mind couldn't help but to think that there prayers weren't being answered because...

Perhaps you have some unresolved sin, aren't praying with 'real intent', aren't reading your scriptures enough, aren't paying a full and honest tithe, aren't fasting with purpose, aren't participating in your church meetings, aren't doing enough temple work or fully performing your callings (for my Mormon friends) for God to hear and answer your prayers to reject domestic partnerships.  This is the basis for having prayers answered after all as I was taught in my youth and what I was asked to teach as a missionary.  That OR, God does not exist, OR domestic partnerships and gay rights ARE in fact the will of God.  Hmm...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Secrets of the Past (November Theme)

As was suggested I thought I would do a two fold post.  Just a blurb on the theme and then yet another pause for the beginning of another mopey week, or so it seems.

So the only secret I could possibly get off my chest is rather obvious.  I'm gay and have been for as long as I can remember.  Now being who I was and how I was raised it has taken my entire life thus far to realize what I am and make an attempt to come to peace with it.

I was thinking this morning before I got out of bed that, yeah, I've been gay for as long as I was even remotely aware of what such things were.  My earliest recollection of being attracted to guys goes back to elementary school.  Something made me more curious about the boys then the girls.  Not being in the thick of puberty yet I didn't think much of it and of course I had no idea what it was.  But then middle school hit and even in the high anxiety world of P.E. I found myself drawn to some of the cute guys in my gym class.  You know looking around in the locker room while trying not to be caught looking around.  Again no idea what so ever I was gay.  Really gay didn't exist - I had no family or friends that were "that way."  It is certainly not going to be talked about in any good LDS home in those days.  Just "the talk" about the "birds and the bees" seemed rather abrupt even for a dad who is a medical professional.

At any rate high school hit and of course I was still discreetly checking the guys out.  I had a couple groups of friends and guy friends.  And again I thought nothing of it.  How I wish I could have got past the whole self awareness phase and come out while I was still in high school and young enough to rebound from it before college.  It's really somewhat amusing now how oblivious I was to my gayness.  It wasn't until I had "the phone call" with my dad, who was not surprised, where I realized that even he suspected all those years ago.

My dad reminded me of my first crush.  Being where I'm at I can see that whole thing as being just that, but of course even just a few years ago I would have never saw my attraction to this guy for what it truly was.  I was an under classmen and this guy was a senior.  He was a sweet, friendly, outgoing sort.  I was drawn in by his musical talents, he had a wonderful tenor voice, played the trumpet and piano well, and had quite a faith in God.  He was not LDS but a good christian guy.  There was just something about his eyes that to this day still makes me melt.  He had befriended me as he did with so many others.  I found myself at his house a time or two where we'd hang out and do music nerd stuff with the christian music he was passionate about.  His little brother was my age and in some of the same classes I was.  They were complete opposites in those days.  But I was drawn in by my high school crush.  When I found out their family was moving to Las Vegas I was heart broken.  It wasn't long after where my mom was diagnosed with cancer the year following loosing that battle.

I still think about what could have happened had I not been confined to the Mormon way of life.  In the years the passed I thought often about my first crush... what he was up to and whether or not he could have had any feelings for me as well.  Since the miracle of facebook he has become part of my gathering of friends and acquaintances.  I had figured that if our paths had ever crossed again that I would discover that he would be married and have a few kids.  But as with others, I remain perplexed by the guys that in their personal information only put that they are single.  No other mention as to if they are interested in men or women or what.  How many straight guys do we know that take full advantage of such a thing to advertise they are single and want a woman?  But there he is - just single.  So I have to secretly wonder could he be...  Sadly friending on facebook does not guarantee being able to strike up even a casual conversation with former friends.  I've thrown a couple of wall posts and private messages his way just curious to see where the last 12 years has led him, to no response.  Yet, I stop and wonder.  Should he ever come across this and figure it out I would be mortified and turn every shade of embarrassed color imaginable.  But then again...

Of course thinking so much about what might have been when I wasn't ready to come out leads me to contemplate what could be now that I'm ready.  And what I find hurting is now that I'm ready the opportunities I've had now seem to be gone.  My social circle of live interactions has shrunk to a party of one - me, myself, and I.  While I appreciate the connections I seem to be making online, nothing compares to getting to know people in real life.  We are social creatures after all.

Just last night and also this morning I was thinking about the fictitious love of my life, not my high school crush.  A few years ago I would have said that was with the girl I married only later to end up being divorced.  Some how God managed to bring her to me for the purposes of showing me a better path for myself.  Now I have to wait all over again to find the guy I should have been with from the start.

I have spent way too much time thinking about the first date and all the things I want to happen in a relationship that I've been craving for nearly 30 years but never getting.  It's worse than being hungry for a good steak and potatoes.  I have felt myself feeling desire for such a true relationship in every part of my body.  And my spirit aches to have that connection with someone.  My friend, my soul mate, my love.  Oh merciful and loving God don't make me wait too long.  Lead me to "the one."