Sunday, March 20, 2011

Forward looking, or forever cursed

So what do you do when you don't know what to do anymore? I have found myself doing lots of thinking about my personal life lately and seeing where others find themselves going, most with great success, while I'm stuck on the sidelines.  I've tried more dating sites than I care to admit.  I've had a casual fling here and there.  Even met guys through mutual friends or through various activies and organizations and chance meetings.  The problem isn't me not liking them, but them not really being interested in me.  Am I really that hideous and such a loser that everyone is just way too polite to say so?  Maybe I have consistently bad luck in picking unavailable men that I'm not "supposed" to be attracted to.  So far the majority of my hopefuls have fit in to the category of nice masculine guys that think they want big, burly, yet submissive (aka bottom) and hairy/bear type guys.  Hair is one thing I do have, and a number of other admirable physical qualities, but I will never be any of the rest that seems to be what the guys I find myself attracted to want.  Oh what to do...

I've also noticed through the course of my being out that it seems these days one can't even go on a legit date anymore.  Now you have to do all of this preliminary "hanging out" before you can go on an official date preceded by lots of online chating, IMing, texting... and only after one has decided they might be attracted to you will you get to make an "official date," provided preceding hanging out has already taken place. It seems a lot of guys these days are just this way.  And when you do meet up, you start finding out that who they are really attracted to is a far cry from who you are. Then you learn their prequalifications for "the right guy" and when you think that this person they are describing fits you to the letter you start to realize that truly nice guys never win. Fellas, and you can't figure out why y'all are still single?  Hello...who can compete with standards and situations like that?  It's almost insulting to any human being to live up to a fictitious person, and run every possible piece of dating material through an unending gauntlet of intention-less activities.

Some might accuse me of just wanting to rush in to it , but let's face it, if you really are interested in me and not just being buddies/friends you will be interested in some degree of physical contact or affirmation of mutual interest.  I'm not asking for all out make out sessions with in the first several encounters, but a gentle touch on the back, or a hand on the knee or arm, or a brief holding of a hand for a moment signifies interest.  If you don't reciprocate with a small amount of "touchy feely-ness" or even eye contact how is one to ever know if you are interested?  For god's sake if you really are looking for a relationship don't be so shy as to never take a risk even with a casual touch.

I really don't know why I subject myself to the constant defeat of all this anymore.  Every month and year that goes by it just becomes more painfully clear to me that no-one gives a shit about me as someone worthy of having a relationship with.  Too many like to offer their back handed support of "just hang in there" or "You're a cute nice guy who'll meet someone soon" and other such BS as if it is supposed to make me feel better.  I'm tired of getting kicked in the mud.  And I often wonder if I would have been better off meeting with that on coming train I was spared from 2 years ago.  Maybe God does make mistakes.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Ok, I admit it... I like the show.  The Glee world is a buzz over finally getting what they wanted, Kurt and Blaine to kiss.  Isn't it what we all want for those of us true to our identities... to get our true love.  While musically the soul is worked out of the show with the extensive over production even though I think several of the cast have the chops to pull off a song with out the auto tune.  Darren Criss (Blaine) who I was aware of long before glee via youtube and the "A Very Potter Musical" and other Starkid shows certainly doesn't need technology to sound good.  Really its kind of remarkable since I saw those youtube shows around the time I came out.  To see Criss in a rather gay show, while he isn't himself, is kind of a unique full circle moment for me.

In any case the show does have something to say and it's all on the surface.  No reading between lines... Really we're all losers trying to find our way and a place where we fit in and maybe finding love along the way.  Why not do it with a song or two.  It will be interesting to see where it goes, probably nothing unpredictable.  But my heart does go pitter pat when I get to see cute gay love.  And I ask, when is my turn?