Saturday, December 25, 2010

Peace, Love, and Goodwill to all

Too all of my loved ones and friends, may you have a very Merry Christmas and a fabulous holiday season.  To all of my fellow homos be you single, married, a mohomie, whatever.... the warmest of holiday hugs (and/or kisses) from me to you (as long as any significant others don't object).

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Holiday Love?

Yes so it has been a while since the last one of these.  It is certainly a busy time of year in the organ business and certainly as a musician.  I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised I didn't get a flood of concerning notes from people wondering why I haven't posted in a while.  It seems I am beginning to resign myself to the fact that despite the personal pep talks and the slightly naive optimism that "It gets better" that really nothing is getting better... at least in my personal life.

I could wax poetic gratitude for a stable job and one less thing to worry about, but really when you're on your own no one cares except you.  Now some could say "my aren't we being negative," but I just call it how I see it.  While I think the whole campaign by the Trevor Project was well meaning to give a little hope and give some sort of public address to what appears to be an ever increasing problem we must also realize that we are only seeing one side of the equation.

How beautiful it is to see all these well adjusted people share their stories of how life was difficult for them in high school and so on... and then all the sudden they met the love of their life and wow now life is great.  Well that's all well and good but it does seem a little condescending to have such an approach.  I mean they surely aren't going to put people on camera where life isn't the rosy picture of hope being painted.  That would be counter productive to the marketing campaign.  But what really are the percentages of gay people still struggling to find the double rainbow bliss being thrown at us by media?  I would venture to say based upon my observations that the amount of people where things have "gotten better" is only about %33 and the rest are still waiting.  And I am definitely one of them.

The holiday season is always one of great angst for me.  I always seem to be struck with bad luck around this time of the year and a number of emotionally laden events have happened around the holidays.  Quickly approaching is the date I came out to myself 2 years ago, already past is the date I began to question my sexual orientation 5 years ago.  Only a couple days from now was my first attempt and painfully unsuccessful venture at finding lasting love, with a couple months from the date that relationship ended and also marking the date when I came out to my ex and all that ended.

In my all too rare mental quiet time I find myself despairing.  I'm always asking the question "When? When will all of this be worth the hell its been?"  When will it get better for me?  It never occurred to me that, in all honesty, coming out was the easy part of the whole thing and it certainly got worse before reaching a point of non-suicidal survival.  But now, I'm forever impatiently waiting.

I have more online profiles for various dating and gay sites.  More that I wish to admit.  The vast majority of those produce zero interest in finding any sort of interaction, including one devoted to the Moho community.  The truth is I could be far more successful as a prostitute than finding any sort of genuine relationship.  As I have mentioned in a previous post all of my friends have found love, many with out even trying, some with out deserving it or suffering any heartache of bumbling through a relationship only to find out that the other person really wasn't interested at the time.  Seriously, I feel cursed or diseased.  It seems I am the only person not worthy of anyone's fancy.

I've given up trying to pray for it.  I'm tired of trying to fight the almighty to find some sort of favor to get me the one thing scripture tells us we need to have and should show to all our fellow men.  But I want more than friendly brotherhood love.  For years my heart has ached for romantic, intimate love with one person ready to share in that.  In all the tearful pleading by the bedside and walking out in the middle of a sermon at church talking about how much God loves us, I've managed to do a pretty good job of convincing myself God doesn't really exist.  And it breaks what little of my spiritual heart I had left after fighting to get out of Mormonism.

My come and go friends, whom I do cherish, have suggested just forget about it.  Just get used to being single and if you were meant be with someone it will happen when you least expect it.  But how do just stand around and wait for something to happen? 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Winter sucks

Well I'm glad to report that I made it home safe and sound with my car still intact after an 11 hour commute on the ice rink known as I-5.  Like the boy scout motto says, "be prepared."  Now if only I had someone in which to cuddle on this here snow day.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Coincidence? Perhapst Not

Has anyone bothered to notice the freightening similarities between the "Mormon Helping Hands" vests with all requisite church logos and websites and the Yes on 8 posters? The obvious fact that the design is nearly identical should get your attention. Is it also a coincidence that they both came out at nearly the same time?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The struggle of faith.

For those of you who haven't seen this yet. Send Matt some love. Personally I think he's making the wrong choice for the wrong reason, but who am I to judge. But I believe it is obvious the church isn't doing a very good job at giving ALL of its members the happiness it promises if you are "obedient to the church."

Matt Sutton recommits to Mormonism

I truthfully hope this isn't the beginning of another unnecessary tragedy.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Mormon Response to HRC

"We don't condone physical violence officially, but we sure as hell don't want you getting married.  Until someone re-writes The Plan of Salvation, you can still be lonely fence sitters in the Mormon idea of eternity."  I'm done dealing with the Mormon plan of "how things are to be."  How about you?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Freedom to love: A new campaign

I'm starting to go public with a concept.  I'm dangling the carrot as it were to see if anything nibbles at it prompting me to go forward in what I'm sure will be both a positive and slightly controversial social movement.

It all started with the events over the last couple weeks.  First one suicide than another, than bullying resulting in suicide... Ellen's comments, the The Trevor Project's new campaign.  The tipping point was the words of the president of the Quorum of the LDS 12 apostles, Boyd K. Packer at the most recent LDS General Conference.  Those still connected to the Mormon dome are well aware of what a mess this has caused.  I heard yesterday there was another gay teen suicide in Utah... the protest around temple square.  I mean things have just gone sideways.  A storm is indeed gathering and its not just the one outside my window right now.

While waiting the hour to go off to work something popped in to my head.  I've always felt that the gay community and the equal rights movement within the LGBT community was a little scattered.  Perhaps we're all too busy or just a little to A.D.D,... oh look at the kitty....  Maybe its just me but it almost seems that since the loss of Harvey Milk things have been without a focus.  We know what we want and what we're after, but the ship seems adrift.  We need something to unify us in this cause of equality.  Usually that is a person, a leader, but I don't see one.  Or maybe there are so many spread across the country and the globe.  There isn't a single thing anymore that brings us together... maybe having something, a focus will get us over the hump of frustration, of continued denigration, alienation, and so many other things.

And then it hit me... why couldn't that thing be a song?  Within a matter of minutes, since that was all the time I had, the words and the music came together.  The rest of the idea took place over the next several hours.  If this is a song that will express everyone then they need to lend their voice to what is expressed.  With the number of musicaly inclined gays there are in the world, or just Mormondom if we want to be narrow focused, this should be quite a simple thing.

So the initial idea blossomed further... I have provided the chorus, lets open up the writing of the verses to the homo world at large.  A sort of contest.  All they get is the chord structures and associated rhythm - aka the accompaniment, (and the preproduced chorus) they get to provide the rest.  It seems like a good idea to give voice to what we are all feeling these days.  I have no personal desires to gain a thing from this other than getting true equality here a little faster.

There are far too many lives being lost to wait another day or waste more time debating what God thinks of gay people and whether or not good Christians or Mormons should allow them to be who they are or get married if they so choose.  An acquaintance told me, "wow, maybe you're the next Harvey Milk."  To which I quickly said, no I don't have half the leadership qualities of Harvey.  I have neither the face or poetic words to rally the troops... but I do have a song, and a vision.  I pray it is a good as it seems.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Responses from members defending Boyd K. Packers talk (part 2

From the previous member's brother

Sean, God loves you, Boyd K. Packer loves you, I love you. I do not believe that you chose to have same gender attractions. I do not think that you are a bad person because you have same gender attractions. I don't believe that God thinks t...hat you are a bad person because you were faced with same gender attractions.
It is my personal opinion that each individual in this life has things that they are faced with that may be really difficult. For one man it may be an overwhelming desire to look at pornography, or to spend their time reading romance books, or whatever.

The point is, I have a right, you have a right, Body K. Packer has a right, and God has a right to share what each of us individually feels is best to do with our time while here upon the earth. We all also have a right to vote in accordance to our own beliefs for what is best for this nation.
I and Boyd K. Packer strongly feel that it is not in anyone's best eternal interest to entertain or sexually act upon same gender attractions. I and Boyd K. Packer also strongly feel that it is not in anyone's best eternal interest to entertain or sexually act upon pornography attractions.

I and Boyd K. Packer also strongly feel that it is not in anyone's best eternal interest to have sexual activity or thoughts with anyone or anything outside of the bonds of marriage between a man a woman. This means that I and Boyd K. Packer feel that some people who are never married for whatever reason (perhaps they couldn't find someone who wanted to marry them), should NEVER engage in any sexual behavior then-- this happens A LOT in the church.

I and Boyd K. Packer feel that this is what God has declared. I and Boyd K. Packer try to vote and teach in accordance to what we believe God has declared. I expect you to do the same. But we do not hate you, we just respectfully disagree with you. I don't want you to be harmed, or belittled, at all. I don't expect that changing a law is going to prevent the sexual behaviors of people with same gender attractions, just as it doesnt prevent the sexual behaviors of people without same gender attractions who have sexual behaviors outside of the bonds of matrimony. I do have concerns that God is more displeased as this nation becomes less founded upon principles of righteousness.

I just want you to know that I understand where you are coming from though. If I did not believe that God had declared this, I would be upset too. For example-- If you belonged to a different church than me, and the leader of your church said that I shouldn't be married to McKenna and that what I was doing was offensive to God, I would be upset too. If I didn't agree with it, I would vote against it, and I would teach against it, I would post against it. I think it is an admirable quality that you fight so hard for what you believe and I respect you and love you as an individual.

Please respect and love people like Boyd K. Packer for doing what we think is right, just as I respect and love you for doing what you feel is right. Now-- that doesn't mean that I am telling you to stop doing what you feel is right.

I am sad that a lot of people hate those with same gender attractions. I consider you my friend, and I do not hate you-- I just disagree with you, but that is okay, we can still love each other as friends in my opinion.

I am glad that you have a determination to do what you feel is right. It does sadden me that our views of what is right are different, but I assume it saddens you too. I hope that you have and show respect for those like myself and Boyd K. Packer who seek to do what they feel is right, but who do not agree with you.

Responses from members defending Boyd K. Packers talk (part 1)

From a member I went to the same ward with in my younger days....


Well, I’ve got quite a doozy of typing going on. I had to put it into a separate document and save it every now and then, so that babies could accidentally bump the plug in. I will all your words in ( ), so that it separate...s the speakers. I tried bold and colors, but it wouldn't copy over. That's kinda lame. It’s nice to get to have these, LONG chats.
Ok, so, here we go. And remember, I am not trying to be mean, just explaining my opinion. You can have yours and I can have mine. That is just fine.

(Packer ….. definitely follows the WYSIWYG ) ...I don’t know what that stands for, so if you’d enlighten me, that would be nice.

I went and listened to Boyd K. Packers talk just the other day, so I could review it. I was confused that people were calling it a hate speech at all. I really liked the talk and felt it was mainly dealing with how to get out of the trap of pornography. It lightly touched on same-sex marriage. In my opinion, I agree that just because something is voted on, does not make it right. I liked the comparison to gravity. If we vote and pass a law saying there is no gravity, it does not make it true or right.

--(pamphlet "To Young Men Only" (originally from the priesthood General Session Oct. 2 1976) that violence toward one who is "same gender attracted" is acceptable. It seems like a blanket approval of hatred through violence to me. )

So, I was interested in what was said there, so I checked it out. Here is what I got:

“It was intended that we use this power only with our partner in marriage. I repeat, very plainly, physical mischief with another man is forbidden. It is forbidden by the Lord.
There are some men who entice young men to join them in these immoral acts. If you are ever approached to participate in anything like that, it is time to vigorously resist.
While I was in a mission on one occasion, a missionary said he had something to confess. I was very worried because he just could not get himself to tell me what he had done.
After patient encouragement he finally blurted out, "I hit my companion."
"Oh, is that all," I said in great relief.
"But I floored him," he said.
After learning a little more, my response was "Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn't be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way"
I am not recommending that course to you, but I am not omitting it. You must protect yourself.”
-from the “To Young Men Only” info I found online.

In my summary of this tiny clip out of “To Young Men Only”, I do not see it as a call to everyone to be violent toward others, but a call to protect yourself from anyone trying to violate you. He does not say, “If you find out that someone is same-sex, you should beat them to a bloody pulp!” He is talking about a young man protecting himself from someone who is was trying to violate him. Though the story is a bit vague if he was just told, or actively coming on to him. It sounds to me that the young man was so shocked, it came out as a punch. Also, the young man felt bad about his blow, and was repenting of it. If a man was trying to rape me, I would not feel bad about hitting him to the ground. I would actually hope I could do even more to protect myself. Taser, pepper spray, and then get AWAY. You must protect yourself… that is the main message.

I also don't believe homosexuality is a trap of Satan. If this were true Jesus would have been "curing" people of homosexuality too. )
I do not believe it is a sickness, it is a sin. Jesus provided the “cure” which is available to all.... It is the gift of repentance. The reason why I see same sex attraction as a trap from Satan is that, first off, same sex marriage does not follow one of the first commandments that was ever commanded. Adam and Eve were told to multiply and replenish the earth. It was not said, “Do whatever you feel is drawing you in, and it’s all fine with me.” Same-sex attraction does not lead to families, and bringing God’s children to earth, and unity between husband and wife. All passions and desires are to be kept within the bounds the Lord has set. I believe this.

I am sorry, again if this is offensive to you or others. I am not trying to offend. What I wonder is; what is it that you and others want? It seems you are angry because of the Church is saying that it is “evil and wrong”. Do you want them to say there is nothing wrong, and this is pure righteousness? If so, I really don’t think the Lord is going to do anything different then he has ever done for those who choose to walk their own paths. He does the same as he has always done. Offer the plan of Redemption and the power of repentance and forgiveness. You mentioned being married. What I wonder, is why did you marry when you obviously didn’t love that person? I would rather be single, than married to someone I don’t love.

I want you to be happy Sean. But it is not up to me, or anyone else. It is up to the individual… kind of like the story of the 10 virgins, who were all followers of Christ and invited to the wedding. We need to find it for ourselves. It seems from your posts that you are full of anger and frustration at others. Why? Is it because you feel attacked? I am glad that we all have free agency and get to choose our own path in life. If you do not agree with the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints, then walk away, and don’t keep looking back and mocking or fighting. Religion is a choice, and you do not have to follow what the Church teaches.

Oh, you mention about the church’s support of Prop. 8. Or; marriage is defined as between one man and one woman. I think it was here in AZ too. I helped make calls to get opinions of this. I know about getting a legal marriage, because I followed it and paid $80 for a piece of paper and number...but I think marriage is more of a religious thing. An agreement between Husband and Wife and God. I wonder why the state even got into this? Is it for $? Back in the day, all a couple had to do was get whatever paster/preacher/sea captain they chose...that is for European nations, anyway. I guess they couldn’t choose a captain, there is only one on a ship. :) Anyway, about the religious thing, I may be wrong here, and I haven’t thought about it enough to form a complete opinion. But, I think marriage should only be a religious thing, and the state/govt should stay out of it. Separation of church and state. Because of this, the Church of Jesus Christ did not want it to be made law that the church had to accept same-sex marriages, and thus be breaking law by not allowing same sex couples into the temples of the Lord. This is all my opinion and thoughts here. So, I see the church/s making such a stand against this making same-sex marriage a law, because it is completely contrary to the teachings of the Lord. Thus, forcing what we believe to be “wrong and evil” upon us
(You mention that you would indeed protest a law that forces you to believe something you don't agree with. With that same sentiment I find it shocking that members are puzzled why people would protest in front of temples and meetinghouse...s.)

What I find myself asking is, “Why are these people wasting their time and energy and life in protesting against what others believe, when they can believe as they want. No one has to join a church.

(To say nothing about how the church still comes to my home to endorse itself.)

Are you talking about missionaries? I am sure that if they knew you didn’t want them to knock on your door, they wouldn’t. Maybe you should put a sign up? Missionaries are not telepathic. :) That would be really cool.

(I guess we'll have to disagree about the division in the church.)
I guess we will agree to disagree. I was looking at the site and noticed a quote from Hinckley...which I already felt would be so. None of the leaders (prophets/apostles) of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are pro same-sex because it does not follow the Gospel of Jesus Christ. But...I do agree that there is a LOT of reading of all kinds about all different topics. It’s nice to have so much info...but a bit overwhelming at times. A friend of mine, who was of a different church said that my church had too much info, and she only wanted a little pamphlet worth of reading. Lol.

(The gay youth homeless rate in Utah, where some believe the church is most true ) -the church is not more true in any one area than it is in another area of the world. Did you know that there are more members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints outside the USA, than in? ( is among the highest in the country.)
I wonder, what do they consider as “youth”. If one of my children was 18, and living at home and wanting to do things in my home that I didn’t agree with, then I would say something to the effect of, “I love you, but I don’t allow this in my home. You can move out if you want, or you can keep the house rules.” ...That would include drugs, alcohol, R rated movies, or porn...or whatever else I don’t want in my house and yes, even chocolate chip cookies if I am on a diet. Would I still love my child? YESSSS!!!!!!!! If my child was younger than 18, they could live at home, but anything they do contrary to house rules would have to not be in the house or on the property. I cannot follow them around everywhere. That is not good parenting. I need to teach them, and then let them choose for themselves. That is exactly what the Lord is trying to do for us. And boy, it is hard to see loved ones not following the Lord. I love them so soooo much. I love them, but I don’t agree with their choices. And that is ok.

(Really the discussion could be about how (p)assionate some leaders and members are instead of debating whether or not gay is right or wrong or a choice or inborn. ) Wrong choice and not inborn. Maybe “The Family: The A Proclamation to the World” did not say it cut and dry enough.

There is a LOT of reading about love and support and repentance. More than there is about same-sex marriage being wrong.

Well, I think that’s about it for now. Again, you do not have to agree with me, or the different churches that don’t agree with your choices. You do not have to believe the same as other people. None of this is meant to be said in a mean way or belittling to you or others.

Thanks for all your thoughts too Sean, and God’s peace for you too.

Over and out. Oh, if you don’t want this on your FB wall, you can always delete it from the side options. I’ll still consider you a friend.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Let the s%$t hit the fan

 Here is the first exchange between my dad and myself over the events of conference weekend.

Date: Mon, 4 Oct 2010 12:23:36 -0700
From: dad
Subject: Church
To: me

Sean: I thought this should be more private than facebook. Sean it is very obvious to me that due to your upbringing you follow church events to see if any change may occur that would help you again identify with the LDS church. Sean, you need to stop torturing yourself this way. Focus on the good in your life not the negative. Focus on how you can do what you can now, not with who you were or where you've been.

My Response:


Thanks for your concern.  On the contrary my only awareness about the recent yet regular stupidity of the church is via my circle of friends and aquaintences.  Yes, nearly all of them are gay and yes many of them have LDS backgrounds. Some of them still think they can fight the good fight and conquer their "gay sin" as Boyd K. Packer suggested this weekend.  I have no desire what so ever to reunite or rekindle past associations with the church.  They could marry gays in the temple today and I would not go within 1,000 miles of the church.  I never fit in to their picture of "how the world and eternity is supposed to be" and will not make any future attempts to do so.  I cannot, however, stand by and let the gross intolerance and injustices of the church be perpetuated.  They are wrong and as was seen in California they are dangerously powerful - politically and financially.  To have tens of thousands of members give of their finances (some surrendering tens of thousands of dollars of their children's college fund to the church) time and professional resources, all for the cause of blocking my rights and encouraging government endorsement of their faith without questioning their leaders, motives, or the consequences of their actions on society is a freightening thing.

I will not give in to my LDS indoctrination of "bowing my head and saying yes" and turning a blind eye to letting these men endorse on the world stage taking away my freedoms while spreading and promoting hate, fear, and repression to my gay 'brothers and sisters' in the name of their "one true faith."  Mormonism, apparently, has yet to learn from the historic atrocities committed by the other "one true church," Roman Catholicism.  You say to focus on the good.  Isn't fighting for the right thing focusing on the good?  Isn't working towards equality so that others may not have to suffer and go what I went through reaching for a better tomorrow?  I am doing what I can now, but I often feel it is not enough.

As I have told some of my friends, if the bills could still get paid, I would give up everything for this cause.  It IS that important!  If sharing all of what I have gone through in my life saves but one struggling gay youth or adult, or causes one member of the church to stop and think before judging or voting to "protect traditional marriage/families" while denying me my happiness then it is worth all of the challenges.

Much love,

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Of worthlessness and sour grapes

Like the tide things ebb and flow, advance and recede, get better then get worse.  Its as if life is nothing but a permanently swinging pendulum that we are permanently attached to.  Just as soon as I think things are getting better, that there is a point to moving forward, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, something comes along and shatters that fragile and mildly naive notion that things will be okay.

The other day I had an acquaintance point out to me that I was the only one with in my broad spectrum of friends around the country who wasn't either engaged, married, or seeing someone.  Two of my dear gay friends within a couple weeks of each other became engaged to their boyfriends, several other friends who had resigned themselves to being single are now very happy in new solid relationships.

Usually my reaction to those events is positive and supportive.  There are times where I question the maturity of being in a committed relationship to the point where one is engaged but making that an open relationship at the same time.  I wonder what, then, is the point in calling it "engaged" or anything.  None the less I am at least in some degree happy for those who find someone they are compatible with and decide to make a go at a long term relationship.

Normally this would be where the "but" of the subject would be.  Perhaps it still is and I'm just trying to couch it in less derogatory terms.  While the words of my acquaintance were merely observation which happened to be true they didn't strike home until last week.  It's not like I'm not dating.  On the contrary I've been trying rather hard to meet new people and when it seems right see where things go.  Admittedly things are not moving along as I hope and pray that they would.  So much for the power of prayer! I haven't been on a respectable date in months, and the chats and involvement of people interested in me as a dating opportunity have vanished.  Am I old news already?

The real coup de gras came when the last wonderful guy I was seeing and trying so hard to cultivate a relationship with changed his facebook status.  Really its fascinating how we as human beings hang on the status of people more online than offline.  The guy who flat out told me he how much he liked me and was attracted to me, etc.. but didn't want to be in a serious relationship, is now in an official relationship that he publicly acknowledges with everyone and seems to be newly happy in it.  Really I was shocked as he was the last person I would have expected to be in a serious relationship.  Ironically he was also the last person numerically in my circle to no longer be "intentionally" single.  I'm the last single and available vestige in my peer group, and it doesn't feel good to be last yet again!

When you put the observations of one individual with the actions of another you had feelings for but it doesn't work out, you can't help but question your validity or self worth.  In nearly every dating case I've had, how few they are,  I've been nothing but the warm-up act, or the play thing for those who aren't ready to commit themselves.  Honestly it pisses me off.  It seems I am the most undesirable person to have anything more than a "fling" with.  I just don't get it.  Is it because I have two stable jobs, an education, a home, a car, no diseases or addictions and I'm actually ready to settle down that scares people off? Is "loser" permanently displayed somewhere on my person and I haven't noticed?  Its like being in middle school and having a "kick me" sign inconspicuously hanging somewhere all the while I'm wondering why I'm being kicked.

What is it about me now that makes people treat me like I have the plague or something?  Admittedly I'm not the hunk always running around with a shirt off while doing my 6 miles a day but sheesh, there are much fuglier guys getting the relationships.  One of my dear friends I do the music thing with, the sweetest guy and the most beautiful voice is getting hit on by the hottest 20 somethings around - going on dates with the more worth while of those and he is, shall we say, quite the large fellow.

I want so badly to fill in the final piece of my puzzle it cripples me.  Too often are the days lately where I show up at work and hide for a couple hours while I sob quietly in a quiet corner.  Aren't we all deserving of that one connection with one person? Dammit it's my turn now!

I give up!!  I can't do this anymore.  I think I'll just hide under my bed and cry for a while.

Monday, August 23, 2010

"And I'm Mormon"

Seriously?  So we have to be marketed that Mormon people are omnipresent now?  So are Baptists, Catholics, Lutherans, etc, etc, etc.  But you won't see any Mormons working at the strip club, adult store, smoke shack, or liquor store, now will ya?  Keep marketing all those "good works" mandatory for salvation in the LDS gospel.  The rest of us will continue leading normal lives while you keep trying to convince us how "just like everyone else" you really want to be.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Going video?

So I'm debating on going the youtube Vlog route.  Its not that I don't like doing this blog, it just takes so much time to put together cohesive thoughts.  Also the audience here is rather small.

Any thoughts/suggestions?

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Farwell Old Studio : Out with the old and in with the new

So my studio upgrade is for the most part complete.  The only things missing are a new FireWire audio interface and a decent studio mic compliment.  While the old keyboard gear will still be used as an interface for the East West libraries it's function will be limited to only a MIDI trigger function (for as long as it still operates). It's nice having programs that are current and up to date.  Adios 20 year old sequencer.  Hello Logic Pro. So long old friends... we had some good times in the last 12 years.  Here's to the next 12 years.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


Ugh, I'm so mad.  8: The Mormon Proposition was at SIFF and I didn't even know about it. I guess its time to by the DVD.

Monday, July 5, 2010

A new frontier: Rediscovering passion

In this whole new journey of self discovery, or better put, self rediscovery I'm finding my talents again.  It's not often where I think spending large sums of money can equate to any sort of happiness but I've found the exception to the usual rule that you cannot buy happiness.

It's been a strange blessing of sorts getting the new computer.  It started as just a need because the old one was dying and something would have to be done to save the work on it before it gave out altogether.  I usually sell myself short and not get top of the line stuff, but this time it was different.  I wanted something I could grow into on some level which meant I couldn't be cheap this time around.  I sought out what it would take to do the things I want on it and found what would meet those needs.  Actually I thought it was a very mature choice, despite the cost.

With that newness comes all new software to learn and a simple yet exciting opportunity to rediscover. I now have a machine that can keep up with my creative abilities.  Something my last computer did minimally and with great frustration.  It is so easy now to record a musical idea, or assemble a video and put it on youtube.  How awesome it is to be creative!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

On Trial :Prop 8

It has been a while.  I haven't had much impulse to write anything lately.  I guess since life often possess te same cycles unless something new alters those cycles I have had little reason to comment on things I have already written about.

However something new has entered in to the picture and has given pause for a new thought.  Having recently served jury duty I've found myself somewhat intrigued by the legal process.  Just today I found myself reading all 164 pages of the closing statements made at the prop.8 trial.  I wish those proceedings had been permitted to be aired but it was perhaps to spare those who desire to legislate discrimination some embarrassment.

I'm encouraged by how strong the case is by those in favor of same sex marriage.  The evidence is clear as was the testimony given. The opposition, claiming to be the majority and will of the people of California, unable to produce the any sort of majority of those willing to testify in their defense.

While I'm no lawyer, the case is incontrovertibly clear as is what would be a just decision.  It is frightening to me that fear and irrationality often present in conservatives who resist addressing "the gay issue" is permitted such public heed.  It would be well with the gay community to continue building its allies and friends based in facts and truth and not in superstition and religious controversies.  While I quietly pray for a win for same gender marriage, the battle for equality of the LGBTQ community is only beginning.  This is but the beginning and it is a war of sorts.  But why should we expect it to be anything less as it was a war that gave our country independence, and to some extent, a war that triggered equal rights.  May we be willing to fight for our rights together.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Affairs of the Heart

Doing some more thinking lately.   I know, I do that a lot.  I had started off in a particular direction with this one that just wasn't going where it needed to go.  So I've decided to let this one get a little more personal than perhaps what I would normally post on this blog.  Often times I would put the more generic ideas here and the specific thoughts of my personal life on my other blog.  But this is a subject I think that is germane to everyone regardless of where they are on their journey.

It's a strange thing - love.  It is, perhaps, the one thing that we all need and desire as part of our survival and expression as emotionally inspired and driven human beings.  Sometimes we want it where there is none to be found.  And sometimes we find it where we least expect to find it.  But when we do it nurtures and strengthens us - it draws us closer to our friends and loved ones and may cultivate and renew a romantic relationship.

Without it we are but empty shells, only a fraction of what we are created to be.  We see those unable to express or share love shrinking in their humanity, becoming angry and bitter reminders of what happens in a loveless life.  We need to give love as much as we receive it.

I have found myself talking to a dear friend about affairs of the heart rather frequently as of late.  A friend to whom I find myself giving my heart to as our interactions continue.  This happens to be the same individual I have been seeing for a few months now as life permits.  While I thought it was safe to put all of those hopes and feelings and desires for a relationship on hold, our recent times chatting to each other just reinforces what my heart secretly desires.  I can't seem to let go of this sweet guy my head tells me I need to move beyond.  But he hasn't pushed me away so perhaps my head is wrong in this case.

While I could wax poetic about my feelings for this person while plucking rose petals it isn't yet the time to be professing "how do I love thee, let me count the ways."  The words and the sincerity behind them are not yet ready to be received.  As in many affairs of the heart he too has been burned by love in the past.  Enough, perhaps, to make it a very difficult road to be able to get to a point of trust and vulnerability to take those massive walls down we often put up to protect ourselves.  He is unsure he will ever be able to trust and be open to sharing love.

It's a tragic affair of the heart when love is betrayed.  So it was for my dear friend.  It was several years ago when he was in a relationship where all of the words, thoughts, and actions professed a mutual love.  It seemed they were indeed both in love and perhaps were hoping or planning to build a life together.  The relationship had blossomed.  Yet, that was all about to change when the suicide of a close friend of his boyfriend interrupted a time of bliss.  His boyfriend at the time was unable to hold on to the love they had for each other and draw strength and closeness during a time of personal grief and loss.

When I asked, "well, did he say anything to you when it ended?"  Apparently after the tragedy this poor guy who lost a friend in one of the worst ways imaginable just got up and walked away entirely from their loving relationship with no explanation at all.  The sad thing being this young man forgot to give back the heart of the one he once loved.  It would seem that all of the relationships that followed for my dear sweet friend would not fair well.  His heart was not in it.

As we were talking about all of this I couldn't help by gently cry for him.  Certainly for what he went through and continues to put himself through after all the years.  Even more for how it prevents us from exploring anything between us.  I was indeed grateful beyond words that he would open up to me so much.  It wasn't anything he was willing to do before now.  After so much hurt trust is a difficult thing.  But I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms and hold him and cry together and say it will be ok. 

I find myself in the strange and unique position of really not knowing what to do.  It would be easy to rationalize everything and convince myself nothing will ever happen and find some way to move on.  But for reasons I can't explain, my heart has settled on this sweet guy.  I want to be with him and help him during his struggles and be there to cheer him on and celebrate in those small victories of overcoming depression and finding that new life.  Sure I fear that when he does reach the light at the end of the tunnel that he may want nothing to with me and will find someone else. but that is a risk I am willing to take.  On the other hand it could be the beginning of a beautiful life long relationship.  I really don't know what to do, but I know my heart will not be satisfied with out giving it a try, and try I must.

George Gershwin's "Someone to Watch Over Me" seems profoundly appropriate right now.

There's a saying old says that love is blind
Still were often told, seek and ye shall find
So I'm going to seek a certain lad Ive had in mind
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet

Hes the big affair I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret
Id like to add his initial to my monogram
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could always be good
Someone who'll watch over me

Although he may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Spiritual House Cleaning: On the brink of Atheism

Many years ago after my mission when I decided I needed to get away from Mormonism I made an active decision to "see how far the rabbit hole really goes." It's been 8 years since that choice and I have yet to find the end of that rabbit hole.  I'm starting to doubt there is an end.  The deeper I dig in to the claims and proclamations that the LDS church has made since its inception the more I find myself digging in to my own beliefs.  I can see why so many that leave the church want nothing more to do with any sort of faith community after the fact.  An obvious fruit of Mormonism - to poison the spiritual well.

But as I have done the searching out trying to get to the bottom of why (as I see it) the falsehoods masquerading around as "the one true restored church" continue to be perpetuated, I find myself questioning even further the basic tenants of faith.  The old axiom of "the more I learn the less I know" seems to be completely applicable.  The more I learn about the white lies Joseph Smith and his supporters told, the more contempt I find for Mormonism and those that ardently defend it.  Being able to prove within logic and reason that Mormonism is not what it claims to be has only caused me to question my own stance within Christianity in general.

The digger I deep in to the Bible usually in an effort to respond to the many LDS apologists running around, the closer to the edge of Atheism I find myself.  While before I could previously justify my lack of receiving answers to prayers as unworthiness (as you are taught as a member) as being the cause for not getting confirmations and guidance while a member of the church, I no longer have that as an excuse.

I find myself pleading with the almighty on a rather consistent and annoyingly regular basis, but to little avail and no response I feel I dare trust.  Mormonism has corrupted my relationship with God if such a deity exists, and has soiled my understanding and awe of Christ and his saving grace.  It would take more than a government super-fund site to even put a dent in cleaning up the hazardous waste from this spiritual fall out.  My feelings are up to their old tricks of trying to pretend to be the Spirit in an answer to prayer when their is nothing to justify such sensations.  Is God no more than wishful thinking-a human construct meant to soften an otherwise crushing blow of existence?

It was a rather powerful sermon in church yesterday given by a guest pastor who is in regional ELCA leadership.  She also happens to be a member of the church I work for.  'We like to put up walls.  Walls that keep us from changing include how we worship or progressing in our walk of faith.  We want to keep the world of change out, because it keeps us safe. But that's not what Jesus did. He tore down walls and destroyed veils in temples.  He brought us together as the body of Christ.' She went on to say 'it is in that place of complete and utter doubt and faith where we find ourselves meeting God. Where there are no walls to block out the world or change.'  To be Christian is to always be changing was the implication.

I find myself wanting to know there is a God as much as I want to fall in love.  Only my other friends here can even remotely fathom what that means having grown up LDS and done all the things expected of you to only find out both you and your world were not what they appeared or were supposed to be.  Even those in the most unlikely of circumstances have managed to find themselves after realizing the fraud of Mormonism only later to discover their own fraud with their sexuality. Why aren't things getting easier yet? The more I learn the less I know.  And, frankly, it pisses me off.

"Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears; from death into life." Meet me in my chasm of utter brokenness and emptiness. Fill my soul and life in your grace and mercy.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Because of the increase in female Asian porno spam I have enabled comment moderation.  Don't let that stop you from commenting in any fashion. I'm just getting tired of having to delete the spam in my comments.  Thanks all! Sorry if this hinders your responses on this blog.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

One house for sale

So the ex and I just had a meeting with our realtor about selling the house.  Sadly the news isn't good as others out there trying to sell already know.  We can't pay anyone enough to buy a house that we can in fact afford - at least together but owe more than the thing is currently worth.

Since we've been divorced for almost 8 months and she has been seeing her current boy friend for about a year I can see why she is upset and just decided to go out.  The poor thing was hoping ditching the house would be easier especially after all the work that has been put in to it.  I suppose if I was seeing someone and desired to ride off in to the sunset with that person and couldn't get passed the previous relationship I would have similar feelings.  But I'm not fortunate enough to be in that position.  While it may seem callous I don't have naive sympathy in this case.

I don't know how many times I said we're not going to get anywhere rushing to put the house on the market this spring so why the rush getting things done.  Perhaps she is looking for a place to assign the blame for this nightmare even occurring and would like to direct it to me.  Of course it's all my fault after all.  If I hadn't come out none of this would have ever happened, right?  Perhaps its also my fault as my world was crumbling to pieces that she seemingly fell in love with a guy that has little beyond a high school education, lives with his mother (still), and while he can just barely afford his car and phone bill makes a little better than minimum wage and can't swoop in to rescue her from some of her own choices.  But again, if I were in her shoes I might feel the same way.  For once I think I'm very grateful not to be where she is, aside from not having some sort of relationship with some cute guy.  I'm still looking for a guy that could love someone as nerdy as I am.

Gosh, why the heck am I making this about her?  This isn't her blog - she can go get her own.  So we really don't have any options on the house.  We either have to stick it out here and wait for things to get better, which I'm sure she doesn't relish, or we find a way to give it back to the bank with as few casualties to credit and personal finances etc. as possible.  In any case neither of the options are good.  When the realtor's bottom line was, "hey you're young you still have some years to fix the damage from all this" I almost wanted to laugh.  The house has probably been the biggest issue surrounding the whole mess of my coming out.  What is a gay guy to do?  Damned if I do and damned if I don't.  At least I can be honest with myself now.  That's at least one bonus in my favor!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

The Orientation of Underwear?

At the request of Abelard Enigma.  A discussion about gay underwear.  But first a disclaimer.  Those of you not allowed to look at other guys in any sort of revealing attire should probably sit this one out.  That is unless you intend to do some shopping as a result of this.  I don't want hate mail from anyone's significant other suggesting I'm trying to lure people away.  A bit of a joke folks - have a sense of humor...

For those not deeply versed in all things gay one might ask "how on earth can underwear be gay?"  It is a valid question indeed.  While any article of clothing is not inherently anything other than an inanimate object, it is the association with the wearer that usually is the correlation. We all know of the stereotypical gay man who is so effeminate he has to carry a fire extinguisher for being so "flaming," and takes preppy fashion to a whole new level of gayness. Then there are the guys in the middle who will set off your gaydar but their extremes in clothing taste are fairly moderate to conservative. And lastly, the rather masculine sort that befuddles the gaydar, leaves you guessing at best, and not knowing him from any other straight man at worst.  These are the casual guys that look like any other guy, sometimes sporting cargos or carpenter jeans and a T or kicking back in Nike b-ball shorts and a wifebeater.  I find myself falling in to the last category which probably in part explains why I find myself still single.  Just an aside, I have had some friends with the best gaydar tell me I can't possibly be gay since I have a low gaydar profile and dress way too "straight."

With whatever we may be seeing on the outside and pinging our gay "spidy sense," our internal unseen expression through unmentionables will often reveal some clues. While some may see underwear as a utilitarian necessity, we won't discuss those who chose to wander about without said undergarments, I have found a reasonable percentage of gay fellas express themselves, in some fashion and by extension -their gayness, through their choice of underoos.

It doesn't take one long to wander through the "mens furnishings" of any major department store to see some interesting trends.  And of course these trends will vary from locale even within a given region.  Comparing two major high-end malls here near Seattle demonstrate this quite well.  The mall in the richer metropolitan area places much more emphasis on the designer labels, for example.  Of course the items a store sells is very much marketed and geared toward the community they serve.

If you were to go to a major online site that both the gay community and sellers consider geared towards the "homosexual male" we see some even more interesting things..

An example of tasteful but still highly provocative gay underwear might be the following model.

A bit understated as far as "out and proud" gay underwear is concerned but still fashionable and fun.

  Adventuring a but more in to the more daring would be the following which has certain internal enhancements for the male form and a silky synthetic fabric.

It is still somewhat conservative in terms of design and fabric choice, but with the improvements in the garment to provide a bit of "lift and separation" this certainly ventures in to the world of underwear only a gay man would wear.  Or any man who is very comfortable in his own masculinity.  It certainly helps to have a well toned body for any gay underwear.

The next several examples are what one would consider classic case "gay underwear."  While in many respects any of this could be considered stereotypical these are rather common place and practical generalizations.  Any guy that has gone to a gay pride festival knows what is part and parcel for such an event.  You won't see any underwear vendors selling comfy roomy boxers or plain white Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Nope, many gay men want loud, and/or revealing.  But the following are fairly typical examples of what an underwear store geared towards the gay man sells in droves.  The boys will fight over the cute prints.

Loud prints and fashion waistbands are in for the gay guys.  To say nothing of very trim and form fitting.  For many its all about revealing your "assets." Time to hit the gym if you have any reservations about slipping in to some of these.

Shiny silky fabrics are always good.  The tighter the underwear the softer and silkier it has to be.  Or at least thats my general rule.

And venturing in to the more risque.  Well, with all the mesh and see thru fabrics there are you can imagine the many variations there can be on this theme.  I was going to throw caution to the wind entirely and actually put up such an example.  But I don't need to be chastised or accused of posting "soft core porn" by those that can't handle it.  If you don't want your gay card revoked you should get comfortable with it.  If ladies can have naughty underwear for the heterosexual crowd why can't gay men?  With that said here is the link to such an example,

So you can see the general theme accepted amongst the gay male populous for underwear is that which pushes boundaries in form, fit, design, and fabrics.  The general idea is to show off your body or in some way bring attention to yourself.  Trunks and boxer-briefs, as well as other European inspired underwear designs, are very popular with the gay fellas.

So as to avoid an inrush of inquires.  No I don't have a deal with Undergear.  They just happened to have all the examples I was looking for.  All of the pictures come from their online store and you can browse at your leisure.  And for the others who are dying to know what this gay man wears... No you won't really find any of this kind of underwear in my drawer.  Yes deduct ten points off my gay card.  I'm way too much of a traditionalist to wear all of this tight, flashy stuff.  I do have a wide variety of fun, loud, and comfortable boxers and a few fun silk boxer briefs, but that's as wild as I get.  Nope - you don't get to see, only my BF will get to view any of that up close.

Hope that helps Abe.  I always like an excuse to post attractive guys in practically nothing.  Thanks for the idea!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

While out shopping

There is just something about weekends.  I'm not sure what it is.  Perhaps being away from the rigors of work brings it all to the surface.  Now things are so touchy that it's difficult to go out shopping with out getting emotional about it.  And not in a 'I'm pissed 'cause Kohl's doesn't have the stylish jeans I want' sort of way.  I really hope this isn't a bad sign.  I mean is this normal?

So I see a pair of guys obviously a couple.  They were in the underwear section checking out the cute gay things on sale.  I hope I don't need to explain gay underwear to everyone.  Anyhow it was just cute watching these attractive guys.  And of course I thought to myself, now see I need myself a guy to buy cute things for.  I happened to notice one of them was carrying a box with the neatest little desk in it.   I just had to see what else there was that might be worth checking out so I started looking.  I went over to the housewares via the fun appliances.  Oooo, I want one of each of those kitchen gadgets.  You mean it crushes blends and stirs your frozen beverages.  I need one of those!

And then I get over to the other section through the linens of course seeing all the nice bed sets and towels wishing I could buy a bunch.  Some really nice picture frames - but I don't have any pictures of anyone.  Those foot stool things with storage in them - classy.  And I see a table in a box just like the one the guy had.  It happened to be next to an attractive outdoor tent complete with a chandelier. It was very classy.

And then it hit me.  What the heck would I do with any of this stuff?  I a few months I'll probably be homeless - provided the house sells.  I sure as heck have no one, not even any immediately close friends to share it with.  And as usual every thing seemed so pointless.  I just wanted to crawl in to the hole where the composter was and bury myself in it.  The days of playing house are long since over.  Before long it will be me, myself and I - and literally no one else.  The idea of coming home to an empty, well, apartment are indeed even less appealing.

I had been told by a number of trusted sources that after the first year things get easier.  Am I just to darned impatient or am I hopeless?

Hell week is upon me.  I suppose I'll have to sweep this back under the rug for later.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Hold your horses

Wow!  My last post has been the most controversial one to date.  Thanks everyone for being such great participants, or perhaps great sports- a touch of humor, truly.  My own little corner here is usually such a dark one that I'm really quite surprised at the number of reactions that have found their way on the comments page.

To those who may have been offended - none was intended.  It was a rather blunt writing after seeing a few blogs dealing with a mixed orientation marriage where things were not going as was desired.  I certainly didn't set out to spend my one year anniversary post shooting down those trying to make something work that I could not.

Just prior to starting this one I put on my other blog how I hope this has stirred a center of conscious thought.  So let me redirect the cross examination a bit.  What I hope everyone can take away from the previous post was an opportunity for themselves.  To give yourself the permission to ask "Why am I/we doing this?"  And to ask it of yourself and should you be so fortunate, your significant other, on a frequent basis.  Is it out of duty, commitment, faith, hope devotion, love, fear, comfort..... Only you can ask the question and (I hope) honestly answer it.

There's a line at the end of Back to the Future.  It goes something to the effect "the future is yours, so make it a good one."  So despite my on the surface cynicism of the last writing I hope and pray you are all able to carpediem... in whatever way that means for you.

Peace all,

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

One year ago: a remembrance

Yesterday I found myself reminiscing while on another Moho blog trying to be helpful offering my thoughts about the struggles of a mixed orientation marriage that I experienced.  I'm not sure I was very successful since it was late at night and I just shouldn't let myself be posting at 11:00pm.  It wasn't until this morning in the shower thinking about what I wrote on their blog last night (and whether or not I should have said anything at all) when I realized it was one year ago today that I first came out.  My goodness what a whirlwind of ups and downs it has been!  A lot of downs and only a few ups - for now.

So after one year it seems worthwhile to hit on where things have been in the last year.  I didn't want to get in to some syrupy post about how much I've grown in the last year.  None of it was easy, fun, or desirable. I think if I had the choice then I would have very much preferred to kick the can down the road.  One way or the other the outcome was inevitable.  On the other hand, I've rediscovered myself and have been able to find a self honesty and self recognition of who I am that never once before existed.

For so many years I led a double life.  The good, talented, Mormon boy that everyone saw, and the fearful closeted gay guy I really was while no one was looking.  Secretly sneaking glances at the cute guy walking by, or discreetly looking online.  Just a couple nights ago for the first time in my life I put a gay themed picture on my desktop that has rather profound meaning (just to the right here->).  I can't exactly remember where I found it.  Nothing stirs my heart more than to see a gay couple expressing their genuine love for each other.  I like this particular image because their aren't faces, and despite how obviously attractive both of these guys must be, they really could be anyone.  Even me.  I have found myself collecting images of gay couples showing affection because that's what makes my heart swell and resonate within my being saying "this is what I want, and who I want to be."

In coming back to how it all began it really is amazing how I have survived it all.  My ex was pretty determined to end things quickly. And then I see so many M-O-M Moho couples determined to make it work whether children are involved or not.  I can't imagine once a spouse comes out and they decide to "make it work" how painful that must be for both in the relationship.  Perhaps it all comes down to the ingrained teachings of the church and the illusive theology on the possibility of gay people being just like all the rest of God's heterosexual creations despite the lack of such a possibility in Joseph Smith's grand design in the Plan of Salvation.

Now being out of marriage and allowed to explore what I avoided for 29 years, I don't understand why any MOM couple would put themselves and their gay spouse through the mutual struggle of denying themselves and their happiness to stay in a relationship that is only minimalistically beneficial.  The only caveat to that being children the couple have together.  So I have to ask the question... is it some kind of selfish tendency that forces one to sacrifice one's self in a relationship that isn't going to work in terms of attraction, love, and physical intimacy?  Why would anyone want to deny who they are and certainly a resulting lack of personal fulfillment and happiness? If there are children involved wouldn't a couple want to be in a stable, trustful, and loving relationship so as to be the best parents possible to the child?

I guess there are still so many things about a MOM that I don't understand.  And it seems, at least for those in the Moho community, there seem to be a million reasons to "tough it out" and silently suffer, and never one reason permitted to be considered to support getting out of what clearly doesn't work for you, a relationship, or children - regardless of what your faith tells you.  Forgive me friends, I just don't get it.  Perhaps those of us raised in the church have some sort of self serving need to be martyrs of the faith like church history paints Joseph Smith as being.  I've heard the line in other blogs that suppose that being married to a gay person is just another trial that won't happen in the next life.  It makes me sad that spouses sometimes have little regard for their own happiness let alone the happiness of their spouse, pushing aside their needs and desires as well as those of their partner, screw on the Mormon smile and pretend everything will just happen to work out.  Well if not in this life then definitely in the next, right?  "Good thing we were sealed in the temple honey so this gay trial will go away in heaven."  The unnecessary torture these families are putting themselves through... and I just don't know how to help them.

It's just so frustrating to see this situation continue to be perpetuated as a rational option for living life. And this is the point where I will pin it on the church and hold it responsible.  If Mormonism, and many other faiths for that matter, didn't spread the falsehood that being gay is an abomination, a massive sin, is something that can be controlled, and all those other lies, none of us would have gone through the miserable messes we have.  I would have been better off not wasting so much of my life and carelessly dragging another person with me.  Things could have been so much more pleasant and odds are life would be a lot more rosey.

The amount of agony I could have avoided watching my ex start dating a mutual friend only a week or so after I came out, and long before we filed for divorce.  The resulting "honesty" that came out of her unhappiness and admitting to me how much she wanted to have an affair (and well technically ended up getting that wish).  I would have liked to have avoided all of it.

So many things I wish I could have avoided.  What can I do but keep moving.  I suppose some good has resulted from the mess.  My first date in the summer.  The first very brief dating relationship with another Moho guy I was interested in.  And the best of all, being able to look at boys and go, wow he's cute, without feeling guilty!

I just keep hoping that picture of the two guys will swiftly come to a reality for me rather than just a figment of my desire as it always has been for the last 30 years.  I keep that picture on my computer not to remind me of what some may have considered a loss while in the closet, but what I've gained.  Freedom and some degree of happiness.  And not just being free from the chains in my closet, but free to pursue my love - whomever that ends up being.  Thank you God for such a blessing, however hard it was in the beginning, but keep walking with me on it since I have such a long way to go still.

An anniversary posting coming soon

Just like the title says.  A bit of a momentous week for me.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

As it was once before is probably now

Borrowed from Rob @ Scrum Central for my own archive here.  If anyone has access to a more original online I would love to have a link.  This one stops and makes you think hence why I have reposted Rob's excellent arranging of this piece.

Dear -----:

It was a real pleasure to greet and have a moment to visit with you and your wife here this past week. It is wonderful to see how enthusiastically you are received by the good people of Utah.

After listening to your talk on homosexual rights, I am very much concerned. Several others have expressed the same concern to me. It does not altogether harmonize with my own understandings regarding this subject; therefore, I thought to drop you a note--not in my official Church position, but as a personal friend. Only President Monson can speak for the Church.

I felt that your views were most liberal on this vital problem in light of the revelations, but nevertheless, I cannot deny you the right of your position if it represents your true belief and feelings.

I would like to suggest you read the teachings of leaders of the Church on this subject. President David O. McKay said homosexuality was even worse than heterosexual immorality and called it a "filthy and unnatural habit." Spencer W. Kimball called homosexuality a habit based on selfishness and caused by masturbation, said it was unnatural and contrary to the nature of God, and declared that no real love could ever exist in any homosexual relationship. He affirmed that it could be cured and suggested that those who failed to overcome it simply had not tried hard enough. As you may know, the organization called Evergreen International, which has unofficial Church backing, offers resources and support for members of the Church with this problem and who wish to change their sexual orientation.

When I reflect upon the statements of these Church leaders and remember what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah, as well as to the ancient Greek and Roman civilizations which all tolerated and supported homosexuality, I am sobered by their demise. They went contrary to the teachings of the prophets, unwittingly, no doubt, but nevertheless, the prophecy of Joseph Smith, " . . . those who are determined to pursue a course, which shows an opposition, and a feverish restlessness against the decrees of the Lord, will learn, when perhaps it is too late for their own good, that God can do His own work, without the aid of those who are not dictated by his counsel," has and will continue to be fulfilled.

In this respect, let me give you a personal experience. A friend of mine in Arizona--not a Church member--a great champion of homosexual persons--came to me after my call into the Twelve, and acknowledged President Monson to be a Prophet of God. He wanted me to ask President Monson to inquire of the Lord to see if the Lord would not lift the curse from homosexual persons and give them the privilege of same-sex marriage. I explained to him that the Lord had prohibited homosexuality; therefore, it was the Lord's responsibility--not man's--to change His decision. This friend of mine met a very tragic end by drowning. He was a most enthusiastic advocate of same-sex marriage privileges for homosexual persons and went about promoting for them all the privileges, social, opportunities, and participation enjoyed by the heterosexuals.

The statements of the prophets I reference above have been a helpful influence on me because they accord with my own understandings regarding the homosexual. I cannot, in my own feelings, accept the idea of public accommodations. I do not have any objection to recognizing the homosexual in his place and giving him every opportunity for education, for employment, for whatever contribution he can make to the society of men and the protection and blessings of God. Yet, all these things, in my judgment, should accord with the expressions of the Prophet Joseph Smith.

It is not right to force any class or race of people upon those of a different social order or sexual classification. People are happier when placed in the environment and association of like interests, sexual instincts, habits, and natural groupings.

I am enclosing a little booklet entitled "God Loveth His Children", which you may already have. If not, it is an enlightening exposition and quite well reflects the Church position in regard to these people.

I am not against legislation that would establish basic civil rights for the homosexual if it conforms to the views of the Prophet Joseph Smith and the other leaders of the Church according to the references above given. I fully agree that the homosexual is entitled to considerations also stated above, but not full social benefits nor marriage privileges with each other, nor should heterosexuals be forced to accept homosexuals into restricted heterosexual areas. In my judgment, the present effort to establish so-called "gay marriage" is vicious legislation. There needs to be some modification. The position of the Church cannot change until the Lord changes it Himself. Certainly I am not for exploiting gender-based or religious prejudices, but it is the present play-up to the homosexual voters which is unnecessarily creating problems that by a more firm, sensible approach can be avoided. There will always be a few die-hard leaders, but then that has always been true with any debatable issue. Principle--religious or otherwise--cannot be abrogated for political expediency.

Now, don't think I am against the homosexual, because I have several in my employ. We must understand and recognize their status and then, accordingly, provide for them. I just don't think we can get around the Lord's position in relation to the homosexual without punishment for our acts; going contrary to that which He has revealed. The Lord will not permit His purposes to be frustrated by man.

Please understand that I have a great respect and admiration for you, but because of my feelings I thought I should express myself as I have so you will know my personal position.

This letter is for your personal use only (also your wife's), and is not to be used in any other way. It does not require an answer.

With best wishes and success to you both always, I am

Faithfully your friend and brother

"Surprised? Astonished, even? Think this is a fake?

Well, it sort of is, but sort of isn't either. Replace all the gay references with "African-American" or "race" or what have you, as necessary, and take out one paragraph where I had to substitute some quotes from past LDS leaders, and you'll have the exact text of a 23 January 1964 letter from Mormon Apostle Delbert Stapley to Michigan Governor George Romney, in which Stapley essentially told Romney that his support for civil rights was contrary to God's will. Yet how much of this letter, as I've "amended" it, falls right into line with current Mormon thinking about God's gay children?"

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Heavens are Shut

Please see Rob's excellent post and remembrance of Stuart Matis at Scrum Central.

I think it fitting to once again point out the lack of such desperately needed "modern revelation" amongst the Mormon church in regards to the issue of homosexuality. As Rob very astutely points out, the church has been swinging back and forth over this issue for decades.  In consideration of the church's posturing amongst other Evangelical and Fundamentalist Christian groups so as to attain some degree of political clout, it is clear to see the church leadership is unwilling to officially pick a side and stick to it.

My devout LDS readers may be further offended, but one with eyes to see and ears to hear can see that in this issue alone the modern revelation channel the church subscribes to does not seem to be working. If it is the Lord's "one and only true church on the face of the earth" why is he not speaking to Mr. Monson, who is charged with speaking to the Lord on this important topic? How many more need to die needlessly before a convenient revelation comes? The heavens were never open to the leaders of the church. This is but another sad chapter in the history of Mormonism.  The charisma of Joseph Smith with his quick and creative intellect to generate "revelation" at just the right time are but faded pages in the history of the church.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Scripture and intellectual dishonesty

In reading another fellow moho's blog the following topic came to mind.  While no disrespect is intended to those still trying to reconcile with the church I find the mental gymnastics some go thru rather fascinating.  The poster was commenting about a BYU professor who was of course a faithful member yet a thorough archaeologist.  When of course having a discussion about the lack of archaeological evidence around the BoM it was asked of the professor how do you remain faithful when the "proof" doesn't exist.  The professor's response was "I wear two hats."

The blogger went on to explain how they rationalized being in the church when it's keystone is not a book that may or may not be fiction, but solely upon faith, truth and evidence being irrelevant to that faith.

I find myself getting in to regular verbal sparring matches on Youtube with the blindly devout members and self proclaimed experts (aka "apologists") on the various vagaries of Mormonism.  It is really quite amazing the intellectual tail chasing such people do to find the most unsubstantial "proof" they can and qualify it buy being fact and  legitimate evidence.  Such things by these apologists are usually only quotes of some other member or apologist working at one of the fiction mills associated with not proving the credibility of Mormonism and all its claims, but trying to poke wholes in legitimate and reliable science practices that disprove overwhelmingly the church.  Really the whole thing and all the flows from it is nothing but one large and relentless ad hominem attack.

But the resulting issue remains.  If the church is in fact true why does it need so many people running around shoring up the dam and putting out doctrinal fires of the past?  I would think the church would not allow any defensive organizations to be "unofficially" spreading confusion through illogical and inconclusive findings and publishings.  But of course the church has said official doctrine comes from the First Presidency with a *wink wink and a nudge to the apologists and general authorities.  If Mormonism is true why the intellectual dishonesty?  Are we not to be honest in thought, word, and deed?  Wouldn't God have given some small scrap of something tangible to support faith?  We still have existing cultures and places from Old and New Testament times but yet not a shred of anything from Book of Mormon history has ever been found or will ever likely to be.

I'm sure in due course we will be hearing from the faith promoting justification leagues of people (that get a biased BYU education to lend credibility to their unscientific garbage) who shall still go unnamed as I don't want them to get any publicity on my watch, will start rationalizing the spiritual customs of early american civilizations.  Some how "The Great Spirit" is going to end up an apologist publication with more even more of the mental razzle dazzle saying "see Christ did come to the Americas - that's what the native cultures mean. This proves the church is true and why we need to give the remnants of the Lamanites the gospel again." Mark my words it's heading that way.

I'll use my favorite line again... "Truth needs no buttress."

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Church and Family


I happened to be thinking about what it is that ties us together. That thing that makes family what it is.  My family is not what you would consider one of "closeness."  If anything we probably try to avoid eachother on most situations.  I'm sure my coming out hasn't helped in that area either.  But I have stopped to ponder why is it that we are so isolated, to the point of not even regularly talking to one another.  

Not surprisingly it seems many answers begin and end with the church.  It was the church the brought us all together and it was also what has ultimately divided us.  Despite proclamations on the family and other official sanctions approving of the stereotypical Mormon family things did not end up as church leaders have supposed they would be.  The promises of the church have failed incredibly.

My dear mother, who has been gone for 12 years now (my has it been that long?), was the one that held it all together and the church was the glue.  It was her faithfulness that kept it all pieced so carefully together.  She ran herself ragged trying to make our home live up to the Mormon standards of family and it wasn't easy.  Now that the tie in to the church is missing I suppose it is no wonder we've scattered to the winds.

My dad still goes to church on a fairly regular basis, but it seems more out of habit then out of sincereity as one of the faithful.  My sister however has taken quite the church plunge.  She seems to be determined to out mom our mom in the church faithfulness department and making darn sure her children are well established in the church "lest they be lost to the wolves." I think it is just over compensation.

The rift between us all seems to be an ever widening chasm.  I once thought my sister, the scientist and teacher, was the sanest out of the family, but her blind faith in church doctrine trumped that of family and love.  I doubt that the day will come where I will be accepted as I am by her.  We all know what it's like to be shunned by our family members "hyper active" in the church.  In they eyes of one of my own siblings, I am a walking "abomination" willingly sinning over a "choice to love men" instead of women.  I am null and void to God's plan and the plan of salvation and my departed relatives weep for my poor choices.  Or so I'm lead to believe.

How the "perfection" of Mormonism has soured my family to be distant and removed at best, and hateful, bigoted, biased, and unloving at the worst.  This is the fruit of the "traditional Mormon family," that which espouses only heterosexuals make a family and good Mormon families should protect marriage from same sex couples.

When I'm with my BF there is more love there than I have felt in my entire some 30 years of existence.  I can even begin to process what I feel in the relationship.  But I know that's where I belong.  And yet I think about what it is the people are trying to protect in blocking "gay marriage."  There really isn't anything worth saving in my family unity.  No amount of "protecting marriage and 'traditional family values' is going to change how I'm viewed or loved in my family.  Neither will it change where Mormonism still fails to understand one of the most important commandments - unconditional love. 

My family is who ever accepts me for who I am. Not where I come from and who I'm related to.  I wish I had a bigger "family."  I long to be with more of those who love me for me.