Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Holiday Love?

Yes so it has been a while since the last one of these.  It is certainly a busy time of year in the organ business and certainly as a musician.  I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised I didn't get a flood of concerning notes from people wondering why I haven't posted in a while.  It seems I am beginning to resign myself to the fact that despite the personal pep talks and the slightly naive optimism that "It gets better" that really nothing is getting better... at least in my personal life.

I could wax poetic gratitude for a stable job and one less thing to worry about, but really when you're on your own no one cares except you.  Now some could say "my aren't we being negative," but I just call it how I see it.  While I think the whole campaign by the Trevor Project was well meaning to give a little hope and give some sort of public address to what appears to be an ever increasing problem we must also realize that we are only seeing one side of the equation.

How beautiful it is to see all these well adjusted people share their stories of how life was difficult for them in high school and so on... and then all the sudden they met the love of their life and wow now life is great.  Well that's all well and good but it does seem a little condescending to have such an approach.  I mean they surely aren't going to put people on camera where life isn't the rosy picture of hope being painted.  That would be counter productive to the marketing campaign.  But what really are the percentages of gay people still struggling to find the double rainbow bliss being thrown at us by media?  I would venture to say based upon my observations that the amount of people where things have "gotten better" is only about %33 and the rest are still waiting.  And I am definitely one of them.

The holiday season is always one of great angst for me.  I always seem to be struck with bad luck around this time of the year and a number of emotionally laden events have happened around the holidays.  Quickly approaching is the date I came out to myself 2 years ago, already past is the date I began to question my sexual orientation 5 years ago.  Only a couple days from now was my first attempt and painfully unsuccessful venture at finding lasting love, with a couple months from the date that relationship ended and also marking the date when I came out to my ex and all that ended.

In my all too rare mental quiet time I find myself despairing.  I'm always asking the question "When? When will all of this be worth the hell its been?"  When will it get better for me?  It never occurred to me that, in all honesty, coming out was the easy part of the whole thing and it certainly got worse before reaching a point of non-suicidal survival.  But now, I'm forever impatiently waiting.

I have more online profiles for various dating and gay sites.  More that I wish to admit.  The vast majority of those produce zero interest in finding any sort of interaction, including one devoted to the Moho community.  The truth is I could be far more successful as a prostitute than finding any sort of genuine relationship.  As I have mentioned in a previous post all of my friends have found love, many with out even trying, some with out deserving it or suffering any heartache of bumbling through a relationship only to find out that the other person really wasn't interested at the time.  Seriously, I feel cursed or diseased.  It seems I am the only person not worthy of anyone's fancy.

I've given up trying to pray for it.  I'm tired of trying to fight the almighty to find some sort of favor to get me the one thing scripture tells us we need to have and should show to all our fellow men.  But I want more than friendly brotherhood love.  For years my heart has ached for romantic, intimate love with one person ready to share in that.  In all the tearful pleading by the bedside and walking out in the middle of a sermon at church talking about how much God loves us, I've managed to do a pretty good job of convincing myself God doesn't really exist.  And it breaks what little of my spiritual heart I had left after fighting to get out of Mormonism.

My come and go friends, whom I do cherish, have suggested just forget about it.  Just get used to being single and if you were meant be with someone it will happen when you least expect it.  But how do just stand around and wait for something to happen? 


  1. I understand much of what you feel. And I wish I had answers for both of us. All I can say is don't give up.

  2. I read your blog yesterday and I've been thinking of what to say. I suppose I'm out of ideas other than to tell you that sometimes good things take time. We live in an instant gratification society where we want everything now (I'm guilty of that!) I won't even try to say that I understand what you feel, but hang in there!