Friday, November 20, 2009
Giving Thanks or ?
In talking with some of my fellow MoHomies I find it fascinating that some have such and optimistic outlook on life. Especially some of the ones that are in some difficult situations as I once was. In one particular chat on Facebook I was groaning how the holidays this year are probably going to be the worst ever. Things are usually bad enough as I remember the anniversary of my mom's death (12 years come Dec. 1). But this year I get to add to that the additional angst of having been through a rough bout with finding myself, attempted suicide, business issues, divorce, seeing an ex move on before the divorce, and being very alone.
When my dad called to extend the invitation of being on the other side of the mountains for Thanksgiving at their house I was a little apprehensive. With all that has gone on this year I'm not in very much of a festive, let alone grateful mood. Especially with a 3.5 hour drive just to get there. Perhaps sensing my reluctance my dad sweetened the deal a little by saying "you're also welcome to bring a 'special' friend if you want." Now the gesture in and of itself is huge coming from my still very LDS dad. Yet at the same time it felt more like a knife in my back now that I no longer have anyone to share my life with. The odds of my status going from single and available to happily taken are not likely to change any time soon short of a miracle occurring. God if you're up there are you listening?
So it just added to my weight of the holiday season. It's bad enough feeling the loneliness in and of itself with out adding an entirely new helping of personal guilt for not being "good enough" for anyone to even go on a date with. In talking with Good to be free we were going on about how being gay is difficult enough but being (ex) Mormon and gay makes and already small pool of fish evaporate almost entirely. Since there are plenty of us who don't smoke or drink, and aren't interested in the one night stands (although even then I'm feeling myself wanting to slip there too), it places with us a certain stigma in the community for not being "stereotypically gay." So what is a poor lost boy to do? I have no answers but I would love for Santa to leave me a boyfriend for Christmas. It's the only thing on my list this year.