At the beginning of the new year I had the thought of making my first post for 2011 a confessional of sorts. Just air all of my dirty laundry, wash it, and get it folded back up ready to be dirtied up again this year. Then it occurred to me that, despite the fact really this is personal therapy I happen to let people read... really everyone else in the world has enough of their own problems and is probably only interested in my droning only as a basis of comparison to their lives and what is or isn't going the way they'd like. I guess what I'm saying is that the likelihood of anyone caring is minimal... Of course it was never a prerequisite for this blog for anyone to even subscribe for me to keep it going. Its kind of shocking anyone bothered.
But truth be told, the only reason I do anything in the public sphere anymore is for somewhat selfish means. I'll admit it. The only thing that keeps me out from under my inconspicuous rock of self pity is the fact I want a relationship. That's all any of it is about really. None of my 12 online profiles scattered about the gay world have got me squat in the 2 years I've been on this roller coaster. Sure if all I wanted out of life was meaningless sex I could have plenty of that until I'm too old to have it. And truth be told I've tried to just "get it out of my system" and yeah I've had a few random hook ups... since many purport everyone has a phase where they just want sex all the time. Well I guess that everyone excluded me too.
There is nothing more shallow and hallow than meaningless sex, even if your attracted to the person. Every time I found myself thinking "if only I was more this person's type we might have a great relationship." But this way of life is no more fitting for me than hanging out at the gay bars and clubs. The music is nice but who cares when no one wants to dance with you.
I took my ex out to dinner the other day. I owed her for helping me out over the holiday with some performances. We also needed to chat about some things she suggested. She was exploring the idea of having her boyfriend move in because he needed a place etc. but didn't have much money. Of course that one isn't going to go far until I can have a live in boyfriend myself. But I found myself saying somewhat to her surprise that if I had know then how difficult it was going to be trying to find some joy in my authentic gay self I may never have done so.
Now I don't mean to be a gloomy gus, but none of this has been easy for me. I don't fit in to a single stereotype in which to make it easier for many other homos. I'm also not the toned, 120lb, 22 year old hunk I once was. Some of you young or gym obsessed guys have it much easier. All you have to do is lift your shirt or flex and you have dudes burning up your phone with texts asking you out.
Its been over a year since I was last asked out or found someone willing to go out with me. And it has been an entire years worth of rejection after rejection. There was a time where I would say I can tough out anything... but not anymore. It's taken its toll on me and I'm at the end of wanting to go through anymore. I can't take any more emotionally and expect my health to remain stable.
Despite it being the 2 year anniversary of my coming out, I'm one of the unfortunate few who have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel that others exclaim can be found. I've managed to come full circle rather quickly in 2 years from despair to hope to utter hopelessness. Maybe it gets better for everyone else, but I'm done expecting it to for me.