When its your time

We never know how long we will have on the planet before our gig is up. With frightening regularity I find myself having to explain my anxiety about partnering up and settling down. Desiring a partner "at my age" is apparently the anti-sterotype in the gay world.  I've alluded on some small level as to why that is here but I'm not sure that I've really come out and explained it.  Aside from my still reoccurring dreams that plague me on a regular basis I was talking about this to a guy on A4A today.  We were lamenting our inability to find guys interested in more than just coffee on a first meeting.  I mentioned that I doubt love will ever be in the cards for me and like most nice guys he said "oh but of course you'll find someone, your attractive, intellectual and can hold a conversation unlike 85% of the gay populous.. more importantly you want to share your life with someone."  But he was curious where my angst came from and I shared with him the rest.

Not many have the ability to look in to a crystal ball and see what may be.  This isn't something I've ever publicly shared but I am one of the unfortunate few that can.  It is one of the weightier spiritual gifts I've carried with me and until now kept rather quiet about it only a couple people know and they have told me I am according to biblical parlance a "prophet" just as others have gifts of speaking or interpreting in tongues.  Now I don't use an actual crystal ball but I do see things as snapshots, markers in time based upon certain outcomes.  I often see things as a big picture first followed by the smaller events that must first occur in order to get to the big picture.  Certainly it is something that could be abused if used unwisely but more often than not it scares the shit out of me. 

Its rare when I have the ability to see anything for myself personally.  It may be a good thing actually.  But the one event I keep trying to avoid is my own inevitable mortality.  Now I don't really fear death. I have faced and foreseen the death of a loved one.  I have even looked death squarely in the eyes while battling suicidal desires. Its the one thing I want to be able to change or alter in some fashion.  Its also the one thing I can't get a clear vision on.  Its always surrounded by a sort of digital snow where only a few frames of a scene pop in and out.  But what little I can gather gives me great anxiety about my future.  In some respects its like what happens in the Spielberg series Taken about the aliens and their interaction with humans.  You see all your memories and all your fears in addition to all your future faults in such a way that you realize your whole life is really nothing but a mine field and there is no safe route.  Just as Harvey Milk had the innate sense he wouldn't make it to 50, I have strong reservations that I will make it to 45.  With what little I have to go on I also get the sense it will be incredibly lonely.  Time and time again I get the impression I will never get to know genuine, intimate, reciprocal love in its truest form with a partner before I depart this earthly sphere.  I don't believe I will find anyone willing to be in a relationship.  As I have done in other situations I knew the outcome could be changed, I keep hoping that what I see for myself can be changed.  But so far nothing has.  It would seem I have no power to alter my own destiny in this regard.  It frustrates, angers, and depresses me that everything for me will in fact be in vain if things stay on course.

My anxiety in trying to find any chance at love is in hope that maybe what I see as my future can in fact be changed if not by myself perhaps by someone not originally in the initial equation.  It gives me a great deal of motivation.  Who truly wants to lead a lonely life however long it may be?  Not I!