Spiritual House Cleaning: On the brink of Atheism

Many years ago after my mission when I decided I needed to get away from Mormonism I made an active decision to "see how far the rabbit hole really goes." It's been 8 years since that choice and I have yet to find the end of that rabbit hole.  I'm starting to doubt there is an end.  The deeper I dig in to the claims and proclamations that the LDS church has made since its inception the more I find myself digging in to my own beliefs.  I can see why so many that leave the church want nothing more to do with any sort of faith community after the fact.  An obvious fruit of Mormonism - to poison the spiritual well.


But as I have done the searching out trying to get to the bottom of why (as I see it) the falsehoods masquerading around as "the one true restored church" continue to be perpetuated, I find myself questioning even further the basic tenants of faith.  The old axiom of "the more I learn the less I know" seems to be completely applicable.  The more I learn about the white lies Joseph Smith and his supporters told, the more contempt I find for Mormonism and those that ardently defend it.  Being able to prove within logic and reason that Mormonism is not what it claims to be has only caused me to question my own stance within Christianity in general.

The digger I deep in to the Bible usually in an effort to respond to the many LDS apologists running around, the closer to the edge of Atheism I find myself.  While before I could previously justify my lack of receiving answers to prayers as unworthiness (as you are taught as a member) as being the cause for not getting confirmations and guidance while a member of the church, I no longer have that as an excuse.

I find myself pleading with the almighty on a rather consistent and annoyingly regular basis, but to little avail and no response I feel I dare trust.  Mormonism has corrupted my relationship with God if such a deity exists, and has soiled my understanding and awe of Christ and his saving grace.  It would take more than a government super-fund site to even put a dent in cleaning up the hazardous waste from this spiritual fall out.  My feelings are up to their old tricks of trying to pretend to be the Spirit in an answer to prayer when their is nothing to justify such sensations.  Is God no more than wishful thinking-a human construct meant to soften an otherwise crushing blow of existence?

It was a rather powerful sermon in church yesterday given by a guest pastor who is in regional ELCA leadership.  She also happens to be a member of the church I work for.  'We like to put up walls.  Walls that keep us from changing include how we worship or progressing in our walk of faith.  We want to keep the world of change out, because it keeps us safe. But that's not what Jesus did. He tore down walls and destroyed veils in temples.  He brought us together as the body of Christ.' She went on to say 'it is in that place of complete and utter doubt and faith where we find ourselves meeting God. Where there are no walls to block out the world or change.'  To be Christian is to always be changing was the implication.

I find myself wanting to know there is a God as much as I want to fall in love.  Only my other friends here can even remotely fathom what that means having grown up LDS and done all the things expected of you to only find out both you and your world were not what they appeared or were supposed to be.  Even those in the most unlikely of circumstances have managed to find themselves after realizing the fraud of Mormonism only later to discover their own fraud with their sexuality. Why aren't things getting easier yet? The more I learn the less I know.  And, frankly, it pisses me off.

"Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears; from death into life." Meet me in my chasm of utter brokenness and emptiness. Fill my soul and life in your grace and mercy.

Comments

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One house for sale

So the ex and I just had a meeting with our realtor about selling the house.  Sadly the news isn't good as others out there trying to sell already know.  We can't pay anyone enough to buy a house that we can in fact afford - at least together but owe more than the thing is currently worth.

Since we've been divorced for almost 8 months and she has been seeing her current boy friend for about a year I can see why she is upset and just decided to go out.  The poor thing was hoping ditching the house would be easier especially after all the work that has been put in to it.  I suppose if I was seeing someone and desired to ride off in to the sunset with that person and couldn't get passed the previous relationship I would have similar feelings.  But I'm not fortunate enough to be in that position.  While it may seem callous I don't have naive sympathy in this case.

I don't know how many times I said we're not going to get anywhere rushing to put the house on the market this spring so why the rush getting things done.  Perhaps she is looking for a place to assign the blame for this nightmare even occurring and would like to direct it to me.  Of course it's all my fault after all.  If I hadn't come out none of this would have ever happened, right?  Perhaps its also my fault as my world was crumbling to pieces that she seemingly fell in love with a guy that has little beyond a high school education, lives with his mother (still), and while he can just barely afford his car and phone bill makes a little better than minimum wage and can't swoop in to rescue her from some of her own choices.  But again, if I were in her shoes I might feel the same way.  For once I think I'm very grateful not to be where she is, aside from not having some sort of relationship with some cute guy.  I'm still looking for a guy that could love someone as nerdy as I am.

Gosh, why the heck am I making this about her?  This isn't her blog - she can go get her own.  So we really don't have any options on the house.  We either have to stick it out here and wait for things to get better, which I'm sure she doesn't relish, or we find a way to give it back to the bank with as few casualties to credit and personal finances etc. as possible.  In any case neither of the options are good.  When the realtor's bottom line was, "hey you're young you still have some years to fix the damage from all this" I almost wanted to laugh.  The house has probably been the biggest issue surrounding the whole mess of my coming out.  What is a gay guy to do?  Damned if I do and damned if I don't.  At least I can be honest with myself now.  That's at least one bonus in my favor!

The Orientation of Underwear?

At the request of Abelard Enigma.  A discussion about gay underwear.  But first a disclaimer.  Those of you not allowed to look at other guys in any sort of revealing attire should probably sit this one out.  That is unless you intend to do some shopping as a result of this.  I don't want hate mail from anyone's significant other suggesting I'm trying to lure people away.  A bit of a joke folks - have a sense of humor...

For those not deeply versed in all things gay one might ask "how on earth can underwear be gay?"  It is a valid question indeed.  While any article of clothing is not inherently anything other than an inanimate object, it is the association with the wearer that usually is the correlation. We all know of the stereotypical gay man who is so effeminate he has to carry a fire extinguisher for being so "flaming," and takes preppy fashion to a whole new level of gayness. Then there are the guys in the middle who will set off your gaydar but their extremes in clothing taste are fairly moderate to conservative. And lastly, the rather masculine sort that befuddles the gaydar, leaves you guessing at best, and not knowing him from any other straight man at worst.  These are the casual guys that look like any other guy, sometimes sporting cargos or carpenter jeans and a T or kicking back in Nike b-ball shorts and a wifebeater.  I find myself falling in to the last category which probably in part explains why I find myself still single.  Just an aside, I have had some friends with the best gaydar tell me I can't possibly be gay since I have a low gaydar profile and dress way too "straight."

With whatever we may be seeing on the outside and pinging our gay "spidy sense," our internal unseen expression through unmentionables will often reveal some clues. While some may see underwear as a utilitarian necessity, we won't discuss those who chose to wander about without said undergarments, I have found a reasonable percentage of gay fellas express themselves, in some fashion and by extension -their gayness, through their choice of underoos.

It doesn't take one long to wander through the "mens furnishings" of any major department store to see some interesting trends.  And of course these trends will vary from locale even within a given region.  Comparing two major high-end malls here near Seattle demonstrate this quite well.  The mall in the richer metropolitan area places much more emphasis on the designer labels, for example.  Of course the items a store sells is very much marketed and geared toward the community they serve.

If you were to go to a major online site that both the gay community and sellers consider geared towards the "homosexual male" we see some even more interesting things..

An example of tasteful but still highly provocative gay underwear might be the following model.

http://www.undergear.com/

A bit understated as far as "out and proud" gay underwear is concerned but still fashionable and fun.

  Adventuring a but more in to the more daring would be the following which has certain internal enhancements for the male form and a silky synthetic fabric. http://www.undergear.com/

It is still somewhat conservative in terms of design and fabric choice, but with the improvements in the garment to provide a bit of "lift and separation" this certainly ventures in to the world of underwear only a gay man would wear.  Or any man who is very comfortable in his own masculinity.  It certainly helps to have a well toned body for any gay underwear.

The next several examples are what one would consider classic case "gay underwear."  While in many respects any of this could be considered stereotypical these are rather common place and practical generalizations.  Any guy that has gone to a gay pride festival knows what is part and parcel for such an event.  You won't see any underwear vendors selling comfy roomy boxers or plain white Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Nope, many gay men want loud, and/or revealing.  But the following are fairly typical examples of what an underwear store geared towards the gay man sells in droves.  The boys will fight over the cute prints.
http://www.undergear.com/

Loud prints and fashion waistbands are in for the gay guys.  To say nothing of very trim and form fitting.  For many its all about revealing your "assets." Time to hit the gym if you have any reservations about slipping in to some of these.

Shiny silky fabrics are always good.  The tighter the underwear the softer and silkier it has to be.  Or at least thats my general rule.
 http://www.undergear.com/












And venturing in to the more risque.  Well, with all the mesh and see thru fabrics there are you can imagine the many variations there can be on this theme.  I was going to throw caution to the wind entirely and actually put up such an example.  But I don't need to be chastised or accused of posting "soft core porn" by those that can't handle it.  If you don't want your gay card revoked you should get comfortable with it.  If ladies can have naughty underwear for the heterosexual crowd why can't gay men?  With that said here is the link to such an example, http://www.undergear.com/

So you can see the general theme accepted amongst the gay male populous for underwear is that which pushes boundaries in form, fit, design, and fabrics.  The general idea is to show off your body or in some way bring attention to yourself.  Trunks and boxer-briefs, as well as other European inspired underwear designs, are very popular with the gay fellas.

So as to avoid an inrush of inquires.  No I don't have a deal with Undergear.  They just happened to have all the examples I was looking for.  All of the pictures come from their online store and you can browse at your leisure.  And for the others who are dying to know what this gay man wears... No you won't really find any of this kind of underwear in my drawer.  Yes deduct ten points off my gay card.  I'm way too much of a traditionalist to wear all of this tight, flashy stuff.  I do have a wide variety of fun, loud, and comfortable boxers and a few fun silk boxer briefs, but that's as wild as I get.  Nope - you don't get to see, only my BF will get to view any of that up close.

Hope that helps Abe.  I always like an excuse to post attractive guys in practically nothing.  Thanks for the idea!