As is often the case I was doing some thinking last night about where things are going. Or where they are not is probably more accurate. Since coming out 6 months ago I have hoped that being honest with myself would make it easier to be real, approachable, and in general, faster to move on and find someone new to have a relationship with or at least explore with.
But yet It hasn't happened and I keep wondering why. My ex had entered, or rather fell, in to a new relationship before we even signed the divorce papers. Her answer to it was that although she "didn't want it," it was the wish of her heart. While we could debate the merits of whether or not she wanted it since it was a relationship entered in to before the last one ended there was something to where it was going from the beginning. And there she is - with almost everything she could want in a boy friend. Sure, it's not perfect but yet what is? Things between the two of them are so swimmingly they spend at least every other day together out doing something, and when they aren't
So as I lay in bed cuddling my pillow where a cute nice guy should be, with my arms wrapped around him, I shed silent tears mourning his absence. And I ask myself, "don't I deserve the wish of my heart too, or is that only reserved for heteros." Am I doomed to a life of loneliness now that I have found honesty with myself?
I find it amazing how passive aggressive the guys in this area are. It seems many find me mildly attractive, but in the end it only seems to come down to one thing, the shallowness of online intimacy. Practically none have the guts to pull the trigger to even go on a casual date. Too many guys seem to be more interested in whether or not I'm naked and horny at the time while on gay.com then they are meeting up and seeing if there is genuine human connection. I guess physicality comes cheaper than investing in a real relationship. So I wonder further, will I find anyone worth while in the Puget Sound area - the gay capitol of the NW, or am I just another piece of trash in the streets of heart brokenness.
It hurts to see everyone else in a place where they have someone, and as if I was back in the immaturity of high school, there I am on the side lines shouting to the rest of the players "I'm open, pick me!"
It's almost as if I'm being punished not only for finally coming out to myself, but then for retaining some degree of standards and integrity. While, sure I like sex as much as any guy, I'm not the sort to just go out and have one night stands until someone is interested enough in me to hang around. After my last failed sham of a relationship I want the romance and the connection. Sex is trite and meaningless with out it - an easy lesson learned from the last go around.
It is sad that so many cute guys also seem to have few standards. I can't stand how many guys smoke like chimneys. Aside from the fact its bad for you, my lungs just don't want anything to do with that. And then there are the alcoholics and drug users. Drinking "socially" and going out every other night and getting your booze on no longer makes you a social drinker. It makes you a regular and probably one with not much of a bank account. Trying alcohol never did anything for me so I have no interest in it whatsoever. While I don't hold it against anyone for getting an adult beverage every once in a while, if it makes you an ass after the first glass - sorry, not interested. Simply put drugs of any kind are an instant deal breaker - not interested! Mostly because it would open a Pandora's box that I would rather not acknowledge. That stuff will suck you in and never let go. I have enough problems in life already with out having addiction thrown in on top.
It's funny that I would even be saying this but really I need to find myself a guy that grew up with the same standards I did. I need myself a MoHo - or perhaps better yet an ExMoHo. Someone that knows where I've come from having been raised in the church, served a mission, even the mistake of marriage, has values, morals, and integrity - without too many word of wisdom hang ups (gay sex and intimacy is not part of the word of wisdom BTW). But I'm not interested in going back to the church - we all know where that ends for gay couples. However the qualities I'm looking for in a cute nice guy do fall in line with at least some of the standards of the church - strangely enough. And yet, I don't think it is a bad thing. It actually gives me some degree of standards.
So the question is... am I peeing yet again in to an arctic wind or do I have a chance finding such a guy without moving to a hornets nest like Utah? Is there anyone out there for me, or will I be cursed to a relationship with my pillow where surely there must be a guy in the world that could use my love more than a pillow needs my tears. Being alone in the dark at night makes me ponder and dream and lament, where is my love?