Had quite and interesting day yesterday. And as usual it ends with a gray cloud over my head and a few tears before going to bed. God how I hate it!
It's funny the people you meet who are members of the church and how they react when you tell them you're gay. The young lady giving me a hair cut became instantly uncomfortable. You know how how they like to chat you up and as you start talking about yourself you just start throwing things out there. Well I took the plunge after talking about going on a mission and being a musician to toss out that I was an inactive member and I was gay. Funny how the chatting ended right there. Fortunately she was done and was trying so hard to be professional at that point. I had a good laugh in my car the whole way home at this poor gal's expense. Members just don't know how to handle it.
So I ended up at a party after the weekend gig and a fellow homo's place. A couple of friends showed up and it was nice to not be in a room of people I knew from school but had practically no connection with. I learned last night the really being gay is like playground kickball. You know exactly where you stand in the "pecking order" of life as soon as teams start getting picked. You know the ritual - first we start with the jocks, the ones with obvious ability, then ones with a gorgeous body, then the ones with a pretty face, the ones that just are. And then the fight to get the lesser of the remaining evils ensues, the awkward ones, the goofy ones, the nerdy ones, and so on.
And I wonder why I never get off the wall to even be picked at all. I'm not ripped or gorgeous, but decently cute and working to take better care of myself. I'm not a pretty face but attractive and I certainly have more than just a vacuum inside my head. And yet I never even get a chance to get up to bat. The teams area already full and the game in the bedrooms has already begun.
And it feels like it did all those years ago in the playground - alone, with no one who cares to notice that I'm the only one standing there with no team to play on.