Friday, October 23, 2009
Where I'm at [October Theme]
Following in other's lead a little blurb about where I'm at. Since I only came out in March I'm not as far as many of you out in there in MoHo land. I still live in the house my ex and I purchased. She is still living there as well until we can get to a point to sell it. Within a couple weeks of me coming out the ex decided to start dating an ex-roommate of ours (there's a story there I might share sometime) and they have been seeing each other for about 6 months. And yes I get to see it all.
As for me I've only been on one date - with a guy that is. I learned a lot from that and have formed ideas in what sort of person I'm interested in. Interestingly enough I don't fit in to any stereotypical gay category being a very straight acting personality that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and doesn't really fit in to the gay party/social scene. So I am, as many ExMoHo's know about themselves, an oddity among oddities.
I've been doing huge quantities of reading and studying trying to get past both my crisis of identity and faith. It's still slow going but reading the stories of others and helping others helps me. Of course being very inactive and only working as a musician for other church's I don't feel like I really have a spiritual home. I haven't yet requested my name be removed from LDS membership and it is something I am dreading actually following through on despite my hostile feelings towards Mormonism.
All the reading and watching nice "gay movies" like MILK, or Latter Days doesn't, however, make those feelings of loneliness and needing a personal and intimate relationship go away. Sometimes it makes it worse. Most nights I cry in to my pillow and praying that the painful part of this transition will be over soon and that I will find the true love of my life and that there will be a point where things will get better. But I often feel that such prayers and yearnings fall on deaf ears. I hate being alone and even after almost 30 years and a failed marriage I'm still waiting to find that person I fully connect with. But for now all I can do is wait and hope that all of this pain and suffering is not in vain.